As the All-Star reserves are announced today, with snubs and inclusions being debated across the entire interweb, The Sport Count takes a look back in time to give you a quick run-down on some of the worst players ever to pull on an East or West novelty jersey (we’re trying to forget those years when players wore their teams’ home and away jerseys. That was just weird).
This year’s announcement saw some curveballs: did Rashard Lewis really deserve a slot over Al Jefferson? How could you leave out the ever-charming Steve Nash for serial bore Chauncey Billups? Will Jameer Nelson join this list in years to come, or is the little fella for real?
Those are questions for another day. Right now, we present — in honour of the year 2009 — the nine worst All-Stars ever:
A very happy All-Star.
9. Sam Cassell | 2003-2004
Cassell made his first and only All-Star appearance in 2003-2004, a year when he rode the inimitable coat tails of Kevin Garnett all the way to an All-NBA Second Team appearance, and season averages of 19.8 ppg and 7.3 dimes per game. On first glance, this seems like a legitimate case for being an All Star; our issue with the selection is a matter of principle.
An All-Star is supposed to be the epitome of perfection, someone who you look up to as a top 20 player in the NBA, someone who makes you feel inferior, but happy about it at the same time.
When I look at Cassell, I get the exact same feeling I got when I saw Benjamin Button as a baby.When you see him sitting their on the bench for the Celtics, racking up technical fouls faster than game time, that makes me wish I could go back, shove a few cold ballots with Jason Kidd’s name on it in David Stern’s hand, and rid the great All-Star spectacle of one of its most historic errors.
A multiple All-Star. Last seen being bought out by the Grizzlies.
8. Steve Francis | 2001-2002, 2002-2003, 2003-2004
The Franchise promised so much. An athletic scorer who could get to the rim, Francis was voted into three consecutive All-Star games from 2002-2004 — a respectable achievement. But here’s the thing: who would proudly rock a Francis All-Star jersey now?
Be honest. It’s not like rocking a Sprewell, who at least choked a bitch, or a Szczerbiak, who is stunningly undeserving of being counted as a former All-Star. It’s just sort of “oh yeah, Steve Francis. He was okay. Whatever happened to him…?” Yaaaaaawn.
Anthony Mason: 'if you don't vote for me, I'll elbow your balls off, yeah?'
7. Anthony Mason | 2000-2001
His numbers weren’t bad that season. Good, in fact. 16.1 points, 9.6 boards, 3.1 assists. But that’s what Anthony Mason did throughout his entire career, and never before was he called up to the All-Star squad. So, we’re left with two reasons for the inclusion:
1. The coaches had a strange bloodlust, and were desperate to see blood spill on the All-Star floor. The lockout was fresh in their minds, maybe they wanted a little bit of vicarious revenge.
2. Alonzo Mourning and Grant Hill were injured that year.
Take your pick.
An All-Star, high.
6. Brad Miller | 2002-2003, 2003-2004
There’s a lot to be said for Bradley Alan Miller: he’s a sweet-passing big man, a talented weed smoker, and — at various times — the owner of one of the least aesthetically pleasing goatees in the league. But his All-Star credentials are questionable for one cruel reason: do you really want a mid-range shooting white guy clogging the floor during All-Star weekend? Really?
He first made the squad in his only full season in Indiana, averaging 13.1 points, 5.7 boards, and 2.6 assists. That’s okay. His next season, with the Kings, was even better: 14.1 points, 10.3 boards, and an impressive 4.3 dimes. That’s excellent. But you don’t want him in the goddamned All-Star game: you want a dunk-happy superathlete who’ll alley-oop to themselves.
Miller’s greatest contribution to All-Star weekend was packing some seriously sticky hydro for his teammates.
5. Juwan Howard | 1995-1996
A Juwan Howard rookie card: worth about as much as his All-Star selection.
Juwan is a classic example of a sophomore playing at a huge level, folks expecting them to become a superstar imminently, giving them an All-Star berth, and then… well, nothing.
Howard averaged 22.1 ppg, 8.1 rebounds and 4.4 assists in the 1995-’96 season and was rewarded with his first and only All-Star Jersey. Since that season,Juwan has never averaged in the 20s, he’s had five seasons where he’s played less than 40 games, and — unimpressive for a guy who entered the league in the same year as Grant Hill and Jason Kidd — last year averaged 1.1 points.
It’s not that we don’t think he was a deserving All-Star at that one time. It’s just that Juwan Howard has epitomised mediocrity for the rest of his career, and for that, we include him.
How Rik usually spent All-Star Weekend.
4. Rik Smits | 1997-1998
‘The Dunking Dutchman’ took ten years to hobble his way into starting his first and only All-Star game in 1998. The honour came on the back of a 16.7 point, 7 rebound season, demonstrating that being an All-Star was just easier back then. Those numbers were good enough to start him. The 7’4, 250lb 31-year old Smits put up a respectable 10 points, 7 boards and 4 dimes, but it wasn’t enough to bring him back the following year, largely due to people realizing he was Rik fucking Smits.
'I was selected?! But I had that whole weekend set aside to listen to Cake's debut album, and watch the new show Party Of Five!'
3. Tyrone Hill | 1994-1995
“Hey guys, I’m looking at some old cards. Here’re some names from the 1994-’95 East All-Star team, just to prod some fond memories: ScottiePippen, Shaquille O’Neal, Patrick Ewing, Reggie Miller, Tyrone Hill –”
“Wait, what?”
“– Huh? Anyway, Tyrone Hill, Penny Hardaway –”
“Wait, Tyrone Hill? Whose career averages are 9 points and 8 boards? Whose Hall of Fame probability has been assessed at 0.000%? That Tyrone Hill? He was an All Star?”
“Yeah, why? What’s your point?”
How Wally usually spent his weekend off. Actually, how Wally spends all his time off.
2. Wally Szczerbiak | 2001-2002
For international fans — those not bound by coastal affiliations — it’s typically difficult to decide which side to back in the half-yearly spectacle. Who really cares whether the Atlantic or Pacific ocean wins it? But in 2002, it was easy, with the West embarrassing itself with a line-up including Lil’ Stevie Francis, Peja Stojakovic, and Wally Szczerbiak.
As soon as you saw Szczerbiak’s chiselled jaw making its way on to the court, your heart sank a little for the game of basketball. A spot-shooting defensive liability was worth an All-Star nod? Oh lord.
'How the fuck did that guy make the All-Star team?' 'I'm baffled, Jason.'
1. Jamaal Magloire | 2003-2004
I read something interesting the other day about Bonzi Wells, about how he’s playing in the Chinese league for $40,000 a year now.
The only difference between Bonzi Wells and Jamaal Magloire? Well, yep, you guessed it: Magloire once played well enough to get the words “All” and “Star” onto his CV (do NBA players have CVs?) — a license to print money.
First things first: the averages which got Magloire into the All-Star Game of 2003-2004? 13 and 10, implying Udonis Haslem plays at an All-Star level most nights. Furthermore, the teams which have owned Magloire since then (of which there have been five) have all been dazzled by seeing him once suited up in All-Star garb, alongside the luminaries of the game. All fives teams waited — and in Miami’s case, still wait — for the shred of veteran savvy or leadership that might’ve rubbed off.
It’s basically like waiting for another Oscar from Halle Berry — unless Billy Bob starts drilling Magloire on the court any time soon, there’s no way he’s going back to the big dance.
Posted By: James, Alex & Anton
