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Entries tagged as ‘Shaquille O’Neal’

The Count Preview: Southeast Division

October 28, 2008 · No Comments

citizens are currently considering a motion by Dwyane Wade to rename the beach Dwyane Wade.

Miami's South Beach: citizens are currently considering a motion by Dwyane Wade to rename the beach 'Dwyane Wade.'

Miami Heat: With Shaq out of town, crime in Miami skyrockets, and the beleagured police force call on the heightened talents of their city’s basketball team to help out: Wade is able to run down and catch any thief on foot and most any thief in cars; Beasley talks such epic trash that even hardened criminals break down in tears; and Chris Quinn spends his off-court time mixing potions that either restore the flagging energy of Miami’s police force or add +1 to Marion’s mana.

Erik Spoelstra has marginal success in his first season as coach, taking Miami to 25 wins, largely due to the answers he gets to his coaching inquiries on Yahoo! fantasy forums. His off-court time is spent blazing up with Mario Chalmers and referring to Pat Riley as “Old Father Time.”

Charlotte Bobcats: What will Larry Brown bring to the franchise this year? It’s well known that Charlotte are probably one mid-level player away from genuine play-off contention, when things are going right. If J-Rich, Gerald Wallace, Okafor and Felton can contribute for a full season, Charlotte could pull off some surprising upsets and finish the regular season with a shot at the 8th spot.

This, however, ignores the very real possibility that Felton cracks it over the decision to draft yet another point guard who will challenge for his spot, and demands a trade, thus disrupting team chemistry — which will see Adam Morrison out for three weeks with an injured tear duct.

There are at least two further major concerns: is Gerald Wallace’s brain still functioning, and will another knock render him disabled; and what will be the atrocious decision Michael Jordan makes this year?

Atlanta Hawks: The big question on everyone’s mind will be the effect Josh Childress’ absence will have on Atlanta’s depth and presence off the bench. While this will be an unknown quantity until the season starts, The Sport Count has the answer to the second biggest question on everyone’s mind: yes, there is now a huge excess of weed in Atlanta as a result of Childress’ move.

J-Smoove’s off-season signing to $58M should placate him enough to continue being ridiculous on the defensive end, and Joe Johnson should return to his marksmanship ways. With Al Horford only getting better, look for this team to still be in contention in the second round of the playoffs. Don’t look for Mike Bibby though, who will by that time have sprained both wrists, broken his neck, accidentally gnawed one of his legs off, and covered his head in so many bad tattoos he is no longer recognisable.

Washington Wizards: This is just frustrating. If Washington had their All-Star trio of Arenas, Jamison and Butler all healthy, they’d probably one of the most exciting teams to watch in the East. As it is, Antawn hurt himself before the season, Gilbert is unsurprisingly out due to his terrible rehab routine, Caron is almost as fragile as T-Mac, and starting Center Brendan Haywood is potentially out for the season. Talk about starting on the back foot. If the Wiz can overcome these injury concerns and post a reasonable record, it will be one of the great achievements of the season.

The one horrible inevitability is that injuries will mean Nick Young gets more court-time, which will result in him jacking up so many ill-advised shots that it’ll make Larry Hughes look like Ray Allen.

Orlando Magic: Is there any chance they won’t top the division? Dwight is continuing to put up the kind of numbers that destroy small towns, Turkoglu is coming off a career season that all the pundits think will be repeated, Rashard Lewis is playing well enough that you forget he gets paid as much as Kobe and 50% more than LeBron, and Jeff Van Gundy has been signed to ESPN to now Stan can stop worrying what his lovable-but-mentally-deficient brother is doing and actually concentrate on the game. All signs point to the Magic being a dominant force in the Eastern Conference.

The highlight will be when Dwight offers to correct the geological problem Oden caused on the west coast by starting his run-up in Philly and dunking the Chrysler building.

Posted by: Alex

Categories: Off The Court · Sport Count Guide
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The Count Preview: Pacific Division

October 27, 2008 · No Comments

A rap group called Pacific Division. Probably the 18th best rap group named after an NBA division.

Rap group Pacific Division: Probably the 18th best rap group named after an NBA division.

Golden State Warriors: C.J. Watson is a surprisingly serviceable point guard… until Monta Ellis introduces him to abseiling, and he spends most of the season in hospital as a result.

Don Nelson brings his ‘grizzled alcoholic’ look, perfected during the pre-season, into the regular season. By the end of the season – with the Warriors heading towards a very high lottery spot – Don Nelson is a grizzled alcoholic.

Los Angeles Clippers: Naysayers be damned, the Clippers work.

Ricky Davis holding a kitten.

Baron Davis celebrates a great Clippers season. Not pictured: Ricky Davis holding a kitten.

Somehow, the team just clicks, the chemistry perfect. Baron has Marcus, Al, Cuttino and the boys over for Thai food at least once a week; they listen to Miles Davis records and discuss the ascension of Barack. Coach Dunleavy is relaxed and confident, joking with his players at practice, the atmosphere free and easy. Ricky Davis spends his days off doing work in local underprivileged communities.

And remarkably, the team is almost totally injury free, thanks to huge investments in the Clippers’ health and training infrastructure from owner Donald Sterling.

As this happens, the global recession eases, the United States sees GDP growth of 11.5% with no inflationary effect, Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe transforms into an intelligent, caring, financially astute leader, Sarah Palin delivers a white paper that dissolves any tension between Israel and Palestine, and Adriana Lima leaves Marko Jaric for a member of the Sport Count team.

Los Angeles Lakers: Phil Jackson keeps falling asleep on the sidelines. ‘My guys know the system, and the triangle runs itself,’ he tells the media in early November. ‘My hip has been flaring up. I’ve just been sleeping it off.’

Kobe Bryant grasps the opportunity, drapes a tie over his jersey during each time out, and calls himself ‘Coach Kobe.’ He calls a lot of plays for himself. Arguably too many.

Phoenix Suns: Shaquille O’Neal makes his first appearance on the stunningly well-produced real crime series The First 48, shot in Phoenix. He solves a crime. It’s awesome.

(And the Suns win 49 games, and lose to the Jazz in the second round. But the main thing is that Shaq solves a crime).

Sacramento Kings: With Brad Miller constantly high as a motherfucker, Spencer Hawes steps up as the Kings starting centre. Republicans love it. Basketball fans hate it.

With a playoff berth a mathematical impossibility, budding actor Quincy Douby takes February off while filming a remake of the 1979 Julius Erving classic The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh. John Salmons bores his teammates with the same joke at every practice: ‘Quincy? Should’ve been me! Salmons! That’s a fish! C’mon!’

Posted By: Anton

Categories: On The Court · Sport Count Guide
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Your Guide To NBA Tattoos: Part Four

September 26, 2008 · 1 Comment

For serious tattoo fans, the NBA is an absolute goldmine. Assuming, that is, you’re looking for tattoos depicting a variety of animals dunking. Here, we present part four of our on-going series.
Shaquille

Shaquille O'Neal.

Who is it? The Big Cactus himself, Shaquille O’Neal.

What does it appear to depict? The Big Aristotle has clearly zoned this part of his arm exclusively for ‘names I am called.’ Shaq is a member of the 73.84% of NBA players who have their own nickname, name or initials permanently inked on their bodies.

In this case, it says ‘Diesel,’ Shaq’s rapping moniker. Below this is the Superman logo, reinforced by the words ‘Man Of Steel.’ Just in case anyone was going ‘Superman… Superman… now who was he again?’

Not that it’s easy to distinguish, but his right bicep allegedly bears the inscriptions ‘Taahairh,’ his daughter’s name, and the seemingly contradictory statements ‘The World Is Mine’ and ‘Against The Law.’ And a fist holding a diamond. Call us crazy, but The Count suggests Shaq didn’t plan ahead with this arm.

Why did he get it? Because that’s what people call him. Duh. How much longer will NBA players have to explain this? He will never, ever, ever forget what his nickname is. Ever. Do you have that security?

As for Taahairh, that’s obvious. But ‘The World is Mine,’ ‘Against the Law,’ and the fist clutching the diamond? Honestly, who knows? Does he set the rules, but also break the rules? Is he part of the Illuminati? With Shaq, anything and everything is possible. Except him enforcing the law again.

Was it a good idea? His daughter’s name — definitely, that’s sweet in anyone’s book. Two unbackable claims, two nicknames, a comic book emblem and some bizarre pseudo-religious iconography? Not really. No.

Who is it? Damon Stoudamire, increasingly useless point guard.

Damon Stoudamire

Damon Stoudamire.

What does it appear to depict? Famed rodent Mighty Mouse, memorable for his appropriate lack of height (he’s a mouse, after all) and his surprising strength.

Oh, and the little fella is holding a basketball, because otherwise the tattoo would be totally irrelevant.

Why did he get it? The tattooist couldn’t get a Muggsy Bogues portrait right, so Damon opted for another famed midget baller.

Was it a good idea? It has some sort of logic to it, so by NBA standards, yes.

J.R. Smith.

J.R. Smith.

Who is it? J.R. Smith, George Karl’s step-son.

What does it appear to depict? ‘Death Before Dishonour.’ Yep.

Why did he get it? J.R. has is an avid documentary watcher. Animal fan David Attenborough, leftie beard-owner Michael Moore, bemused Englishman Louis Theroux; doesn’t matter, J.R. will watch them all.

But no tale has touched him like Stop Snitching, the searing indictment of government cooperation, featuring Denver teammate Carmelo Anthony. J.R. has hated snitches ever since.

Was it a good idea? Sure. Until one of your friends murders a man, and you’re forced into burying the body for him, and you’re looking down the barrel of a life sentence. Snitching looks like a pretty good idea when you’re looking at serious time.

So, here’s the lesson, Mr. Smith: if Carmelo calls, asking you to pick up a bucket of lime, two shovels, and a hacksaw, hang up. Just hang up.

Who is it? Toronto’s journeyman stuff-machine, Jamario Moon.

Jamario Moon

Jamario Moon.

What does it appear to depict? Duh, it’s only the most recognisable symbol in the world. Religious iconography just loaded with centuries of significance and cultural value. And there’s an ornate Christian cross.

Why did he get it? Jamario is a part-time-but-passionate theologian, and hence is aware of something that was edited out of the Holy Book by famous English tyrant King James, but you can still find if you skim through earlier editions: JC had the hottest handles in the East.

Was it a good idea? Did you know the Son of God was a total baller five minutes ago? Now you do. And doesn’t it seem obvious.

Stephen Jackson.

Stephen Jackson.

Who is it? Stephen Jackson, gun owner.

What does it appear to depict? Clearly, it’s two hands praying. While holding a gun. Pretty heavy, dude.

Why did he get it? Stephen is a little bit nuts. In a really  sincere, likeable way, sure, but he’s definitely a touch bonkers. ‘I pray I never have to use [a gun] again,’ the Captain told ESPN.

Which implies he had to unload outside a strip club — he absolutely had no choice. It wasn’t his choice.

The ‘bad angel’ on Stephen’s shoulder must get tired; he has to split time between the shoulders of Jackson, Jamaal Tinsley and Pacman Jones.

Was it a good idea? Forgetting that the sentiment is kind of creepy, at least the visual is arresting.

If you’re wondering what Al Harrington thinks — I always do, no matter what the question — ‘I can’t believe that one,’ said Al Harrington. ‘I thought I was crazy.’

Posted By: Anton & Alex.

Previous Editions: Part One, featuring Chauncey Billups, Robert Swift, Jameer Nelson, The Birdman, and Luke Walton. Part Two, featuring Tim Duncan, Marquis Daniels, Kobe Bryant, Richard Jefferson, and Mike Bibby. Part Three, featuring Dennis Rodman, DeShawn Stevenson, Rafael Araujo, and LeBron James.

Categories: Off The Court · Sport Count Guide · Your Guide To NBA Tattoos
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The Reading List: Zombie Chamberlain

August 18, 2008 · No Comments

Zombie Wilt Chamberlain Leads USA Nightmare Team

Zombie Wilt Chamberlain Leads USA Nightmare Team To Victory.

Credit to The Onion for that fantastic image. (And if, like me, you’d forgotten how funny The Onion is, you should probably read ‘Tim Duncan Staring At Wall Right Now‘).

Over at Odenized, watch Kobe Bryant deck notorious racist (and Laker teammate) Pau Gasol, only to leave him lying on the floor like a wounded caveman. I tell you, if someone released a bootleg DVD packed with footage of the Spanish team getting dunked on, pushed to the floor and, hopefully, viciously insulted, I’d pay good money for it. Really good money. Jason Feng, are you listening?

You’ve no doubt heard Shaquille O’Neal and his comically smaller wife are back together. Good news for them, sure, but terrible for those holding out hope that O’Neal’s new found status as a single man would lead to him challenging the late Wilt’s title as ‘The World’s Greatest Pantsman.’ (Sorry, all you Errol Flynn heads ain’t got nothin’ on The Stilt).

The always enjoyable Britt Robson lays some love on the Redeem Team, including a good three paragraphs justifiably lauding the incredible play of Dwyane Wade. There are a lot of fine words there, but I must admit all I really read was ‘you should definitely pick Wade in the first round of your fantasy draft. He’s totally got first round value.’ No, Robson didn’t exactly say that — indeed, he doesn’t exactly mention fantasy basketball at all — but I’m great at reading between the lines.

Marty Burns at Sports Illustrated previews the West and the East: let’s briefly ignore just how silly and premature these rankings are, and focus on the fact that the usually excellent Burns seems to phoning it in lately.

I mean, sure, the Western Conference is loaded with tough teams, but are the Clippers really that unlikely to make the playoffs? If you put Baron Davis, Marcus Camby, and Chris ‘The German’ Kaman on a team together, you’re going to get some reasonable results, right? Unless, of course, Ricky Davis starts biting journalists during post-game locker room interviews, and demanding his teammates stay up until four each morning playing games of War.

And seriously, the Pacers are the 8th best team in the East? You reckon? Sure, they did reasonably well last year despite Jermaine O’Neal breaking both legs, spraining his jaw, and contracting syphilis, but ranking them above the presumably improved Heat and Bulls seems ludicrous.

PS Stephon Marbury says he’s still keen on heading to Italy. In other news, the residents of New York support this plan.

PPS It’s dark, but apparently this is Chuck Barkley smashing through a bottle of Patron. To paraphrase Jigga Man: ’shots of Patron / now he in the zone / I ain’t talkin’ ’bout the 2-3 / Barkley in the zone’.

Posted By: Anton

Categories: The Reading List
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Ben Gordon: ‘I’ve Got My Family To Feed’

August 17, 2008 · No Comments

'mo $$ pls.'

Ben Gordon: 'mo $$$ pls.'

He may not have children yet, but Ben Gordon seems to be taking financial advice from Latrell Sprewell.

According to the Chicago Tribune, the Gordon contract situation doesn’t look good:

In a new development, Bulls guard Ben Gordon said he wouldn’t sign the Bulls’ one-year qualifying offer of $6.4 million, setting the stage for a possible stalemate.

“I’m definitely not taking it,” Gordon said Friday night at a charity function in New York. “I’ve already expressed that to them. I mean, that’s not an option.”

Gordon still wants more than $10m a year. I’m baffled. Here’s why:

1. Why would the Bulls even want him on their team? Yes, he’s apparently a hard worker, and he practices hard, and he was their leading scorer… but even at the (generously listed) height of 6′3″, he’s ridiculously undersized, and leading a team full of serious underachievers in scoring doesn’t warrant too much praise.

Another problem: his lack of height makes him a serious defensive liability, and a classic target for teams running the high pick-and-roll.

Yet another: the Bulls lack the low-post presence required to free up a shooter like Gordon. Put him on the 76ers, where Brand and Dalembert are clogging up the key, and Ben would be in heaven. Slot him into the Phoenix starting five, with O’Neal and Stoudamire taking up space and drawing double teams, and Ben would work. But in Chicago? Not so useful.

2. Plus, the Chicago roster is absolutely stuffed with shooting guards, with Kirk Hinrich, Larry Hughes, Luol Deng, and Thabo Sefolosha all capable at the two-spot. Hughes’ grotesque contract is impossible to offload, Deng is in Chi-Town to stay, and selling the potential-rich Sefolosha for cheap would be a terrible move, so either Gordon or Hinrich have to go.

3. I can think of just one general manager who could justify spending more than $10m a year on a tiny-sized shooter who offers nothing but offense, and his name is Isiah Thomas. And, unfortunately for Ben Gordon’s pocketbook, Isiah Thomas doesn’t run a team any more.

4. Finally, and most importantly, how can Ben Gordon possibly think he’s worth so much? It seems his agent, Raymond Brothers, has pumped him too full of confidence, promising the world, demanding Gordon expect nothing less than superstar money. But Gordon isn’t a superstar: he’s not worth Antawn Jamison money; he’s not worth Josh Smith money; he’s definitely not worth Steve Nash money.

Posted By: Anton

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Categories: NBA Mysteries · Signings & Firings
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