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Entries tagged as ‘Phoenix Suns’

The Count Preview: Pacific Division

October 27, 2008 · No Comments

A rap group called Pacific Division. Probably the 18th best rap group named after an NBA division.

Rap group Pacific Division: Probably the 18th best rap group named after an NBA division.

Golden State Warriors: C.J. Watson is a surprisingly serviceable point guard… until Monta Ellis introduces him to abseiling, and he spends most of the season in hospital as a result.

Don Nelson brings his ‘grizzled alcoholic’ look, perfected during the pre-season, into the regular season. By the end of the season – with the Warriors heading towards a very high lottery spot – Don Nelson is a grizzled alcoholic.

Los Angeles Clippers: Naysayers be damned, the Clippers work.

Ricky Davis holding a kitten.

Baron Davis celebrates a great Clippers season. Not pictured: Ricky Davis holding a kitten.

Somehow, the team just clicks, the chemistry perfect. Baron has Marcus, Al, Cuttino and the boys over for Thai food at least once a week; they listen to Miles Davis records and discuss the ascension of Barack. Coach Dunleavy is relaxed and confident, joking with his players at practice, the atmosphere free and easy. Ricky Davis spends his days off doing work in local underprivileged communities.

And remarkably, the team is almost totally injury free, thanks to huge investments in the Clippers’ health and training infrastructure from owner Donald Sterling.

As this happens, the global recession eases, the United States sees GDP growth of 11.5% with no inflationary effect, Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe transforms into an intelligent, caring, financially astute leader, Sarah Palin delivers a white paper that dissolves any tension between Israel and Palestine, and Adriana Lima leaves Marko Jaric for a member of the Sport Count team.

Los Angeles Lakers: Phil Jackson keeps falling asleep on the sidelines. ‘My guys know the system, and the triangle runs itself,’ he tells the media in early November. ‘My hip has been flaring up. I’ve just been sleeping it off.’

Kobe Bryant grasps the opportunity, drapes a tie over his jersey during each time out, and calls himself ‘Coach Kobe.’ He calls a lot of plays for himself. Arguably too many.

Phoenix Suns: Shaquille O’Neal makes his first appearance on the stunningly well-produced real crime series The First 48, shot in Phoenix. He solves a crime. It’s awesome.

(And the Suns win 49 games, and lose to the Jazz in the second round. But the main thing is that Shaq solves a crime).

Sacramento Kings: With Brad Miller constantly high as a motherfucker, Spencer Hawes steps up as the Kings starting centre. Republicans love it. Basketball fans hate it.

With a playoff berth a mathematical impossibility, budding actor Quincy Douby takes February off while filming a remake of the 1979 Julius Erving classic The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh. John Salmons bores his teammates with the same joke at every practice: ‘Quincy? Should’ve been me! Salmons! That’s a fish! C’mon!’

Posted By: Anton

Categories: On The Court · Sport Count Guide
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The Starbury Stock Exchange

October 23, 2008 · 1 Comment

Posted by: James

Categories: NBA Mysteries · On The Court
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Ben Gordon: ‘I’ve Got My Family To Feed’

August 17, 2008 · No Comments

'mo $$ pls.'

Ben Gordon: 'mo $$$ pls.'

He may not have children yet, but Ben Gordon seems to be taking financial advice from Latrell Sprewell.

According to the Chicago Tribune, the Gordon contract situation doesn’t look good:

In a new development, Bulls guard Ben Gordon said he wouldn’t sign the Bulls’ one-year qualifying offer of $6.4 million, setting the stage for a possible stalemate.

“I’m definitely not taking it,” Gordon said Friday night at a charity function in New York. “I’ve already expressed that to them. I mean, that’s not an option.”

Gordon still wants more than $10m a year. I’m baffled. Here’s why:

1. Why would the Bulls even want him on their team? Yes, he’s apparently a hard worker, and he practices hard, and he was their leading scorer… but even at the (generously listed) height of 6′3″, he’s ridiculously undersized, and leading a team full of serious underachievers in scoring doesn’t warrant too much praise.

Another problem: his lack of height makes him a serious defensive liability, and a classic target for teams running the high pick-and-roll.

Yet another: the Bulls lack the low-post presence required to free up a shooter like Gordon. Put him on the 76ers, where Brand and Dalembert are clogging up the key, and Ben would be in heaven. Slot him into the Phoenix starting five, with O’Neal and Stoudamire taking up space and drawing double teams, and Ben would work. But in Chicago? Not so useful.

2. Plus, the Chicago roster is absolutely stuffed with shooting guards, with Kirk Hinrich, Larry Hughes, Luol Deng, and Thabo Sefolosha all capable at the two-spot. Hughes’ grotesque contract is impossible to offload, Deng is in Chi-Town to stay, and selling the potential-rich Sefolosha for cheap would be a terrible move, so either Gordon or Hinrich have to go.

3. I can think of just one general manager who could justify spending more than $10m a year on a tiny-sized shooter who offers nothing but offense, and his name is Isiah Thomas. And, unfortunately for Ben Gordon’s pocketbook, Isiah Thomas doesn’t run a team any more.

4. Finally, and most importantly, how can Ben Gordon possibly think he’s worth so much? It seems his agent, Raymond Brothers, has pumped him too full of confidence, promising the world, demanding Gordon expect nothing less than superstar money. But Gordon isn’t a superstar: he’s not worth Antawn Jamison money; he’s not worth Josh Smith money; he’s definitely not worth Steve Nash money.

Posted By: Anton

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Categories: NBA Mysteries · Signings & Firings
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Most Missable Games Of The 2008-2009 Schedule

August 13, 2008 · 5 Comments

Since this week’s release of the 2008-2009 NBA Schedule, the internet has been awash with guides on top games, key match ups and the contests you just can’t miss. With all of this positive swill, you’d be forgiven for thinking the entire schedule was completely unmissable.

I don't want to watch this.

Knicks Vs Bucks: I don't want to watch this.

Delving into the schedule like excited kids unwrapping a Christmas stocking, The Sport Count were saddened to see that beneath the Tonka Trucks (Cavs vs. Boston), GI Joes (Phoenix vs. New Orleans) and PSPs (LA vs. Utah) were several large and sooty lumps of coal.

Lucky for you that when The Count finds coal, we make fire, so sit back for a quick snapshot of the NBA’s Most Missable games of 2008-2009:

Wednesday, 29 October 2008: Indiana @ Detroit

The Pistons will suit up with the same unlikeable and charmless roster as last year — yes, Kwame, we’re trying to forget about you — and will offer little more than cruel efficiency and the occasional Rodney Stuckey highlight.

Rip Hamilton’s constant cutting and Phantom Of The Opera aesthetic will dominate lottery-bound Indiana. You could try cheering for the Pacers, but it might be difficult to get past the fact that Mike Dunleavy is possibly their best player.

A highlight for the neutral will be the hotly contested point guard slot for the Pacers: TJ Ford will justifiably start, and Jamaal Tinsley –- if he’s still around –- will spend his bench time working on a plan to shoot Ford right in the neck, ‘to explode the spine’.

Wednesday, 5 November 2008: Boston @ Oklahoma

If you’re keen on watching a championship team packed with superstar veterans beat the absolute christ out of a young team dealing with life in a new city, you’re in luck.

You’re also a bit of a bastard, because –- barring Kevin Garnett’s tendons snapping, Ray Allen freaking out and refusing to play because ‘there’s too much dirt in the arena’, and Paul Pierce sitting out because ‘the best player in the world can do what he wants’ — this will be an absolute bloodbath.

One positive for the Thunder? It’ll be a thorough, comprehensive introduction to total failure and substantial loss for the people of Oklahoma. And that’s a feeling they’ll have to get used to.

Monday, 23 February 2009: Indiana @ New York

Knicks and Pacer fans who remember those classic Madison Square Garden duels are in for a treat: think of Reggie Miller sparring against Spike Lee and nailing clutch 3s; think of a proud Patrick Ewing clogging the paint and giving Rik Smits nightmares.

Now, think of TJ Ford facing off against Danilo Gallinari. Think of the ball bouncing off Chris Duhon’s knee as he crosses half-court. Think of Eddy Curry and Zack Randolph sprinting the floor and establishing position on the low block, just as the shot clock ticks over to ‘8.’ That’s what the 2008-2009 rendition of this great rivalry promises the Pacer and Knick faithful.

Tuesday, 10 March 2009: New York @ Milkwaukee

Scintillating matchups. Where Amazing Happens! The most exciting league in the world!

Bobby Simmons dumps the ball into Andrew Bogut, who attempts five shots from within two feet (NBA loses eight fans), before Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry eventually grab a team rebound (NBA loses 12 fans), and Duhon throws an outlet pass to Nate Robinson which goes over his head and hits Danilo Gallinari in the face (NBA loses 15 fans, gains five clips on YouTube).

The highlight of this game will be seeing the exact moment when Richard Jefferson thinks ‘if this is the NBA, I’m going to Europe next year’.

Friday, 3 April 2009: Rockets @ LA Lakers

Back on His Hit Show in '09.
Andrew Bynum: Back On His Hit Show.

While this looks like a good game, you need to look at the date. By this point in the season, both Yao and Tracy McGrady will be riding the bench with elephantitis and chronic fatigue syndrome, respectively. Pau Gasol will have been released from the Lakers due to his incessant racism toward newly signed point guard, Sun Yue (evidenced here).

Kobe Bryant will be in hospital for attempting to jump over a helicopter in his annual marketing stunt, and Andrew Bynum will taking a sabbatical to go back to his roots as the star of Nickelodeon’s Kenan And Kel.

So this is your question: would you watch Lamar Odom play one-on-one against Ron Artest?

Posted by: James & Anton

Categories: On The Court
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The Glove Is Legal And Large

July 31, 2008 · No Comments

Gary Payton, then a member of the Seattle Supersonics, was given the nickname ‘The Glove’ when he had a scorcher of a game in 1993 against the Phoenix Suns. His cousin said ‘you’re holding [Phoenix point guard] Kevin Johnson like a baseball in a glove.’ And after that, people started calling him ‘The Glove.’

Is this seriously an acceptable standard for NBA nicknames? Ballers should have majestic nicknames — pseudonyms that lift them to the heavens, cementing them as gods of the hardcourt. Think ‘His Royal Airness,’ ‘Magic’ Johnson, or ‘The Reign Man’ (later changed to ‘The Pie Man’ after Kemp went on a strict all-pie diet a few years back).

If Gary Payton can cop such a disappointingly obvious, super-literal nickname, you’ll end up with guys named ‘The Shoehorn’ and ‘The Cork’ and ‘The Photocopier’ (although perhaps Donyell Marshall should be given that, because his shot never ever works and no one knows how to fix it! Oh, Donyell! You just got burned! But seriously, stop putting up threes).

I shouldn’t give Payton too hard a time; no nickname is as superbly obvious and shockingly retarded as Karl ‘The Mailman’ Malone. Because he delivers, right? Yeah? You get it? Oh shit, that’s genius, bitches. If Karl Malone rapped it’d be about running over immigrants in his truck and setting fire to bushland and shooting the goddamned shit out of wild geese.

I digress. Here is Gary ‘The Knee Brace’ Payton rapping. You won’t be especially surprised that it’s very silly. Though you will be surprised to find a bit of a Tracy Chapman vibe in the opening bars: Gary Payton - “Livin’ Legal And Large”.

Bonus track: a number by journeyman swingman Malik Sealy, who was tragically killed in May 2000 by a drunk driver (who was later arrested on another DUI charge; so, yes, that’s a pretty terrible human). The good news is Lost In The Sauce is one of the better rap efforts by a baller. It’s got a bit of a US3 flavour: Malik Sealy - “Lost In The Sauce”.

Posted By: Anton

Hosting credit: Music Warship

Categories: Basketball Rappers
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