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The NBA’s Top 10 Aussie Ballers: An Australia Day Tribute

January 26, 2009 · 9 Comments

Australia Day

Today is Australia Day, the 26th of January. A day in which very white people roast in the sun, sinking cold cans of beer, screaming weird obscenities in the sizzling summer heat. A day in which public drunkenness is not just accepted, but encouraged. And, of course, a day in which we celebrate basketball in Australia. And by ‘we,’ I mean Australia’s two leading NBA sites — that’s the boldest claim you’ll read today! — The Sport Count and NBA Mate.

A quick time line of basketball in Australia, just to get you prepped:

1788 – 1992: No one knew or cared about basketball.

1992 – 1998: As Michael Jordan became an international sensation, Australia began to pay attention. Basketball exploded. It was celebrated and cherished: NBA Action was a weekly fixture on Channel Ten; every school erected a hoop; kids traded Fleers for Upper Decks; Alonzo Mourning, Penny Hardaway and Shaquille O’Neal were household names. Every kid dreamed of playing in the NBL, our flourishing national league.

1998 – Current: The greatest game on earth is a niche sport, followed by dedicated few, loved by a minimal faithful. The NBL is in dire straits, wrecked by poor administration, flagging attendance, and an alarming economic climate.

With basketball struggling in our nation, two sites come together to celebrate the Top 10 Australian Ballers: those great humans who’ve shaped the roundball game down under; those exceptional athletes who’ve done their best to draw attention away from the grotesque tedium of cricket, and the big hits of rugby league. Let’s go:

1. Andrew Bogut: Before Andrew Bogut came on the scene there were essentially two types of Aussies that made it to the NBA: 1) Really tall guys (Luc Longley, Mark Bradtke, Chris Anstey) who were good at being tall and 2) Great outside shooters (Shane Heal, Andrew Gaze) who were good at shooting threes. Read more about Andrew Bogut at NBA Mate.

Michael Jordan.

A real basketball legend. Also pictured: Michael Jordan.

2. Luc Longley: 7′2″, 292lbs.

NBA Averages: 7.2 points, 4.9 rebounds, 1.0 block (1991-’92 to 2001-’01).

NBL Averages: 1.0 point, 1.5 rebounds, 0.5 assists (in two games with the Perth Wildcats, 1986).

After an impressive college career at New Mexico (he averaged 19.1 points, 9.2 rebounds and 3.6 assists in his senior year), Longley was taken by the Timberwolves with the 7th pick in the 1991 draft (ahead of All-Stars Terrell Brandon, Dale Davis and Chris Gatling. Yes, we’re surprised Chris Gatling made an All-Star squad too).

As David Stern read the Timberwolves’ pick, Australia went wild: confetti filled the streets of Melbourne and Sydney; fireworks hailed down from the Harbour Bridge; a national holiday was instituted on the date of the draft; basketball-caressing children danced; ball-loving women wept openly in the streets.

That may be a little hyperbolic. But it was an incredible day for Australian basketball.

And — in a divine synchronicity — Longley’s ridiculously successful career with the Bulls coincided with the semi-inexplicable Australian basketball boom of the mid-90s (to give an indication, literally every child in primary school at the time collected basketball cards, even if they’d never seen a game), offering Australian hoop heads the chance to follow one of their countrymen on a championship team.

Signature Move: Winning rings. Sure, Luc possessed a couple of surprisingly silky low-post moves, and he hit the boards with the effort required to consistently tease playing time from a taskmaster like Phil Jackson… but his real skill? Bringing ‘championship heart’ to the otherwise lazy and uninspired Bulls, firing his cohorts up to the tune of three consecutive Chicago titles from 1996 to 1998. (Admittedly, the fact Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen were on these teams may have helped the championship efforts. But it was mainly Luc’s championship heart).

What’s He Famous For? Being the first Australian to play in the National Basketball Association. And being the most talented baller ever with the first name ‘Lucien.’

Would He Beat Russell Crowe In A Fight? A famously easy-going fella — he’s described as a ‘free spirit’ on the famously accurate Wikipedia — it’s unlikely. Unless the three championship rings on his right hand somehow act as an effective set of brass knuckles.

3. Andrew Gaze: Andrew Gaze is the greatest basketballer in the history of Australia’s National Basketball League, and will be for all eternity… to put it simply, Andrew Gaze is the Michael Jordan of the NBL. Read more about Andrew Gaze at NBA Mate.

He's shoeless on the sideline, and yet he's still within range.

Shane Heal: shoeless on the sideline, and yet still within range.

4. Shane Heal: 6′0″, 180lbs.

NBA Averages: 2.0 points, 0.8 assists, 0.5 threes (1996-’97 with the Timberwolves, 2003-’04 with the Spurs).

NBL Averages: 20.6 points, 6.1 assists, 1.0 steal (1988 – 2009).

A top-flight local performer, the undersized Heal never gained a foothold in the NBA. Picked up by the international scouting gurus of Minnesota in the autumn of 1996, the three-point specialist faced extremely limited minutes. His best Association effort was against the Sonics in November of ‘96, when he came off the bench to drain 5 treys in 13 minutes.

Heals’ lack of stateside success was unfortunate for him, but a real boon for fans of the NBL. The Sport Count team can vividly recall the giddy excitement when we learned Shane would be moving from the Brisbane Bullets to our hometown team, the Sydney Kings, in 1996. He blew the roof off the Sydney Entertainment Centre that year, averaging 23.4 points and 5.5 dimes (and, much to our youthful delight, signing autographs after the match near the merchandise stand).

Signature Move: Draining long-range bombs from ridiculous depths. Heal is one of those rare ballers who can completely disregard the position of the three-point line, jacking up shots from 30-feet out without hesitation. His distinctive release — with the ball cocked far behind his head, like Carlos Boozer shooting from Gilbert Arenas range — was a marvel to watch.

The following clip includes brief footage of his bombing ability… and his distinctive humour, as the Australia media bores the public by getting uppity after Heal hilariously refers to his team as ‘very white’:

What’s He Famous For? It may well be his bust-up with Charles Barkley during a warm-up match at the 1996 Atlanta Olympics. After the Round Mound Of Rebound smacked Heal, the pocket-sized Australian launched himself toward’s Barkley’s enormous chest, screaming at him. After the match, Barkley referred to Shane as ‘a talkative little fellow.’

The feisty Heal also had a minor run-in with Vince Carter at the 2000 Olympics:

Shane Heal, Andrew Gaze, Vince Carter, Luc Longley, Mark Bradtke.

From left: Shane Heal, Andrew Gaze, Vince Carter, Luc Longley, Mark Bradtke.

Would He Beat Russell Crowe In A Fight? We might be surprised. Heal has a killer instinct. He could accurately peg a basketball at Crowe’s face from more than 100 metres away.

5. Chris Anstey: Anstey enjoyed reasonable success coming off the Mavericks bench, and actually started in 8 games. One of those starts turned into Anstey’s greatest NBA game — a 26 points, 8-rebound domination of the Boston Celtics. Read more about Chris Anstey at NBA Mate.

Bradtke (right) was unstoppable when it came to breaking up a fight.

Bradtke (right) was unstoppable when it came to breaking up a fight.

6. Mark Bradtke: 6′10″, 265lbs.

NBA Averages: 1.6 points and 1.9 rebounds (in 36 games with the Philadelphia 76ers, 1996-’97).

NBL Averages: 17.4 points, 11.3 rebounds, 1.4 blocks (from 1988 – 2007).

Bradtke was an absolute beast in the low post, with surprisingly quick footwork, and the upper body strength of a wombat (quick nature fact: wombats are grotesquely and disconcertingly muscular). In his lengthy Australian career, he took home four championship rings (two beside Andrew Gaze on the Melbourne Tigers), and represented his country in an incredible four Olympics (1988, 1992, 1996 and 2000).

His NBA career wasn’t as impressive, playing in short spurts. He was never quite big enough to dominate the competition like he could in his homeland. His best game came against the Charlotte Hornets on the 15th of March 1996: 8 points (on 57% shooting) and 10 boards in 23 minutes.

Signature Move: Rebounding, and scoring in the low-post. We’re not talking about a flashy man here.

What’s He Famous For? He’s the benchmark by which Australian centres are judged.

Would He Beat Russell Crowe In A Fight? By virtue of sheer physical size, probably. Though Crowe is an angry man, seething with inner turmoil, whereas Mark Bradtke just seems like a really good guy, so maybe not.

7. Lanard Copeland: Between the years of 1992 and 1999, approximately 82% of every dunk or alley-oop performed in the NBL was actually performed by Lanard Copeland. He was the guy that brought the essence of the NBA — crazy athleticism, soaring dunks, and black men — to Australia’s National Basketball League. Read more about Lanard Copeland at NBA Mate.

A rare photo of Captain Jack playing for Sydney.

Not Stephen Jackson. But it came up when I did a Google Image Search for 'Stephen Jackson NBL,' so I figure my work is done.

8. Stephen Jackson: 6′8″, 220lbs.

NBA Averages: 15.2 points, 3.8 rebounds, 3.0 assists.

NBL Averages: 6.0 points, 0.5 boards, 1.0 assists (in four games with the Sydney Kings, 1998).

Most basketball fans aren’t aware that Captain Jack has toiled in Australia; indeed, he shared a court with Shane Heal in 1998. A second-round Suns draft pick who was waived before he played a game, Jackson had done time with the La Crosse Bobcats of the Continental Basketball Association, before hopping a flight over the Atlantic to spend some time as a Sydney King.

His NBL career was, well, not especially remarkable. His ability to dominate offensively hadn’t yet developed, and the Sydney squad seemed confused about how to use him. He played just four games by the harbour, averaging 6.0 points, 0.5 boards and 1.0 assist.

It’s unclear how many strip joints he visited in Kings Cross, Sydney’s red light district, though one assumes his agent took him on at least two or three trips. Thankfully, Australia has extremely restrictive firearm laws.

Signature Move: Apart from popping off near breast-based bars, Jackson is best known for his fiery intensity, inspirational leadership abilities, and — this year at least — his appalling shot selections (.397% from the field? You’ve ruined a lot of fantasy teams, Jackson!).

What’s He Famous For? Unfortunately, it’s the shooting thing. It should be noted that someone ran him over before he let loose with a pistol, but the fact he brought a pistol to a strip club is certainly representative of poor decision-making. He also sports one of the most ridiculous tattoos the NBA has ever seen: two praying hands holding a gun.

Would He Beat Russell Crowe In A Fight? Absolutely. It would play out a little something like this:

a great baller, a great guy.

A great guy, a great baller.

9. Ricky Grace: 6′1″, 180lbs.

NBA Averages: 1.3 points, 0.3 rebounds, 0.3 assists (in three games with the Hawks, 1993-’94).

NBL Averages: 18.2 points, 7.2 assists, 1.5 steals (with the Perth Wildcats from 1990-2005).

Ricky ‘Amazing’ Grace was a serious baller, a fluid, spritely point man with deadly passing instincts and the ability to break nearly any defender down off the dribble. Unfortunately, his abilities didn’t translate to the NBA. Though his ability to penetrate was obvious in a pre-season game with the Hawks:

In Australia, Grace was an icon of the National Basketball League, remaining with his Perth club for fifteen years, taking home four champions, and a Finals MVP gong in 1993. As a newly-naturalised citizen, Grace represented Australia at the 2000 Olympics.

Signature Move: Those quick cuts to the basket, and his ability to stop on a dime and squeeze off a bullet pass to an open teammate.

What’s He Famous For? Apart from his sublime abilities with the rock, Grace is also a top-notch human; he is currently the director of Role Models WA, a non-profit organisation that provides developmental and sporting support to disadvantaged Aboriginal communities in Western Australia.

Would He Beat Russell Crowe In A Fight? No. But he could run away very quickly.

10. Luke Schenscher: Luke can be safe in the knowledge that no other NBA player with as little as 31 career games has a website named after him. Schenschational. Read more about Luke Schenscher at NBA Mate.

Posted By: Anton & Rob of NBA Mate.

Categories: Indigenous Ballers · On The Court · Sport Count Guide
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The Count Preview: Pacific Division

October 27, 2008 · 1 Comment

A rap group called Pacific Division. Probably the 18th best rap group named after an NBA division.

Rap group Pacific Division: Probably the 18th best rap group named after an NBA division.

Golden State Warriors: C.J. Watson is a surprisingly serviceable point guard… until Monta Ellis introduces him to abseiling, and he spends most of the season in hospital as a result.

Don Nelson brings his ‘grizzled alcoholic’ look, perfected during the pre-season, into the regular season. By the end of the season – with the Warriors heading towards a very high lottery spot – Don Nelson is a grizzled alcoholic.

Los Angeles Clippers: Naysayers be damned, the Clippers work.

Ricky Davis holding a kitten.

Baron Davis celebrates a great Clippers season. Not pictured: Ricky Davis holding a kitten.

Somehow, the team just clicks, the chemistry perfect. Baron has Marcus, Al, Cuttino and the boys over for Thai food at least once a week; they listen to Miles Davis records and discuss the ascension of Barack. Coach Dunleavy is relaxed and confident, joking with his players at practice, the atmosphere free and easy. Ricky Davis spends his days off doing work in local underprivileged communities.

And remarkably, the team is almost totally injury free, thanks to huge investments in the Clippers’ health and training infrastructure from owner Donald Sterling.

As this happens, the global recession eases, the United States sees GDP growth of 11.5% with no inflationary effect, Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe transforms into an intelligent, caring, financially astute leader, Sarah Palin delivers a white paper that dissolves any tension between Israel and Palestine, and Adriana Lima leaves Marko Jaric for a member of the Sport Count team.

Los Angeles Lakers: Phil Jackson keeps falling asleep on the sidelines. ‘My guys know the system, and the triangle runs itself,’ he tells the media in early November. ‘My hip has been flaring up. I’ve just been sleeping it off.’

Kobe Bryant grasps the opportunity, drapes a tie over his jersey during each time out, and calls himself ‘Coach Kobe.’ He calls a lot of plays for himself. Arguably too many.

Phoenix Suns: Shaquille O’Neal makes his first appearance on the stunningly well-produced real crime series The First 48, shot in Phoenix. He solves a crime. It’s awesome.

(And the Suns win 49 games, and lose to the Jazz in the second round. But the main thing is that Shaq solves a crime).

Sacramento Kings: With Brad Miller constantly high as a motherfucker, Spencer Hawes steps up as the Kings starting centre. Republicans love it. Basketball fans hate it.

With a playoff berth a mathematical impossibility, budding actor Quincy Douby takes February off while filming a remake of the 1979 Julius Erving classic The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh. John Salmons bores his teammates with the same joke at every practice: ‘Quincy? Should’ve been me! Salmons! That’s a fish! C’mon!

Posted By: Anton

Categories: On The Court · Sport Count Guide
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The Starbury Stock Exchange

October 23, 2008 · 1 Comment

Posted by: James

Categories: NBA Mysteries · On The Court
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Ben Gordon: ‘I’ve Got My Family To Feed’

August 17, 2008 · Leave a Comment

'mo $$ pls.'

Ben Gordon: 'mo $$$ pls.'

He may not have children yet, but Ben Gordon seems to be taking financial advice from Latrell Sprewell.

According to the Chicago Tribune, the Gordon contract situation doesn’t look good:

In a new development, Bulls guard Ben Gordon said he wouldn’t sign the Bulls’ one-year qualifying offer of $6.4 million, setting the stage for a possible stalemate.

“I’m definitely not taking it,” Gordon said Friday night at a charity function in New York. “I’ve already expressed that to them. I mean, that’s not an option.”

Gordon still wants more than $10m a year. I’m baffled. Here’s why:

1. Why would the Bulls even want him on their team? Yes, he’s apparently a hard worker, and he practices hard, and he was their leading scorer… but even at the (generously listed) height of 6′3″, he’s ridiculously undersized, and leading a team full of serious underachievers in scoring doesn’t warrant too much praise.

Another problem: his lack of height makes him a serious defensive liability, and a classic target for teams running the high pick-and-roll.

Yet another: the Bulls lack the low-post presence required to free up a shooter like Gordon. Put him on the 76ers, where Brand and Dalembert are clogging up the key, and Ben would be in heaven. Slot him into the Phoenix starting five, with O’Neal and Stoudamire taking up space and drawing double teams, and Ben would work. But in Chicago? Not so useful.

2. Plus, the Chicago roster is absolutely stuffed with shooting guards, with Kirk Hinrich, Larry Hughes, Luol Deng, and Thabo Sefolosha all capable at the two-spot. Hughes’ grotesque contract is impossible to offload, Deng is in Chi-Town to stay, and selling the potential-rich Sefolosha for cheap would be a terrible move, so either Gordon or Hinrich have to go.

3. I can think of just one general manager who could justify spending more than $10m a year on a tiny-sized shooter who offers nothing but offense, and his name is Isiah Thomas. And, unfortunately for Ben Gordon’s pocketbook, Isiah Thomas doesn’t run a team any more.

4. Finally, and most importantly, how can Ben Gordon possibly think he’s worth so much? It seems his agent, Raymond Brothers, has pumped him too full of confidence, promising the world, demanding Gordon expect nothing less than superstar money. But Gordon isn’t a superstar: he’s not worth Antawn Jamison money; he’s not worth Josh Smith money; he’s definitely not worth Steve Nash money.

Posted By: Anton

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Categories: NBA Mysteries · Signings & Firings
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Most Missable Games Of The 2008-2009 Schedule

August 13, 2008 · 5 Comments

Since this week’s release of the 2008-2009 NBA Schedule, the internet has been awash with guides on top games, key match ups and the contests you just can’t miss. With all of this positive swill, you’d be forgiven for thinking the entire schedule was completely unmissable.

I don't want to watch this.

Knicks Vs Bucks: I don't want to watch this.

Delving into the schedule like excited kids unwrapping a Christmas stocking, The Sport Count were saddened to see that beneath the Tonka Trucks (Cavs vs. Boston), GI Joes (Phoenix vs. New Orleans) and PSPs (LA vs. Utah) were several large and sooty lumps of coal.

Lucky for you that when The Count finds coal, we make fire, so sit back for a quick snapshot of the NBA’s Most Missable games of 2008-2009:

Wednesday, 29 October 2008: Indiana @ Detroit

The Pistons will suit up with the same unlikeable and charmless roster as last year — yes, Kwame, we’re trying to forget about you — and will offer little more than cruel efficiency and the occasional Rodney Stuckey highlight.

Rip Hamilton’s constant cutting and Phantom Of The Opera aesthetic will dominate lottery-bound Indiana. You could try cheering for the Pacers, but it might be difficult to get past the fact that Mike Dunleavy is possibly their best player.

A highlight for the neutral will be the hotly contested point guard slot for the Pacers: TJ Ford will justifiably start, and Jamaal Tinsley –- if he’s still around –- will spend his bench time working on a plan to shoot Ford right in the neck, ‘to explode the spine’.

Wednesday, 5 November 2008: Boston @ Oklahoma

If you’re keen on watching a championship team packed with superstar veterans beat the absolute christ out of a young team dealing with life in a new city, you’re in luck.

You’re also a bit of a bastard, because –- barring Kevin Garnett’s tendons snapping, Ray Allen freaking out and refusing to play because ‘there’s too much dirt in the arena’, and Paul Pierce sitting out because ‘the best player in the world can do what he wants’ — this will be an absolute bloodbath.

One positive for the Thunder? It’ll be a thorough, comprehensive introduction to total failure and substantial loss for the people of Oklahoma. And that’s a feeling they’ll have to get used to.

Monday, 23 February 2009: Indiana @ New York

Knicks and Pacer fans who remember those classic Madison Square Garden duels are in for a treat: think of Reggie Miller sparring against Spike Lee and nailing clutch 3s; think of a proud Patrick Ewing clogging the paint and giving Rik Smits nightmares.

Now, think of TJ Ford facing off against Danilo Gallinari. Think of the ball bouncing off Chris Duhon’s knee as he crosses half-court. Think of Eddy Curry and Zack Randolph sprinting the floor and establishing position on the low block, just as the shot clock ticks over to ‘8.’ That’s what the 2008-2009 rendition of this great rivalry promises the Pacer and Knick faithful.

Tuesday, 10 March 2009: New York @ Milkwaukee

Scintillating matchups. Where Amazing Happens! The most exciting league in the world!

Bobby Simmons dumps the ball into Andrew Bogut, who attempts five shots from within two feet (NBA loses eight fans), before Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry eventually grab a team rebound (NBA loses 12 fans), and Duhon throws an outlet pass to Nate Robinson which goes over his head and hits Danilo Gallinari in the face (NBA loses 15 fans, gains five clips on YouTube).

The highlight of this game will be seeing the exact moment when Richard Jefferson thinks ‘if this is the NBA, I’m going to Europe next year’.

Friday, 3 April 2009: Rockets @ LA Lakers

Back on His Hit Show in '09.
Andrew Bynum: Back On His Hit Show.

While this looks like a good game, you need to look at the date. By this point in the season, both Yao and Tracy McGrady will be riding the bench with elephantitis and chronic fatigue syndrome, respectively. Pau Gasol will have been released from the Lakers due to his incessant racism toward newly signed point guard, Sun Yue (evidenced here).

Kobe Bryant will be in hospital for attempting to jump over a helicopter in his annual marketing stunt, and Andrew Bynum will taking a sabbatical to go back to his roots as the star of Nickelodeon’s Kenan And Kel.

So this is your question: would you watch Lamar Odom play one-on-one against Ron Artest?

Posted by: James & Anton

Categories: On The Court
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