The Sport Count

Entries tagged as ‘Pau Gasol’

Beijing 2008: The Sport Count Awards

August 24, 2008 · 9 Comments

As the gold dust settles on Team USA’s victory over the racist Spaniards (no matter how much you slit your eyes, that medal will still be silver, bitches), we’re feeling empty.

China is about to go back to their persecuting and age falsifying ways without the glare of the world’s media scrutinising them, and The Sport Count is a little sad that there are no more medals or prizes to award for these games.

Trying to fill this void as best as we can, The Count has decided to bestow some laurel wreaths of our own on the athletes of these games past. Who will take out our top prize? The picture of the smiling man below might be a slight indicator.

"I got me a Count Award - but does Ricky Rubio?"

Most Valuable Player

Winner: Dwyane Wade | Team USA

For me, the best player should get the MVP; the person who played best, regardless of the impact on their team’s standing (hence, I would’ve voted KB24 MVP for the last 3 seasons, but they didn’t ask me). And the best player in Beijing was Dwyane Wade.

D-Wade came into the games with a whole bunch of baggage, and insisted on  being awesome. In a team focused on LeBron, Kobe, and a bit of Carmelo (yeah, we get it, he’s a prototypical international four, STFU), D-Wade was an absolute animal, showing us on fast break after fast break and front-up after front-up that he’s back, and ready to wreck in Miami (and fantasy basketball) next year.

Runner Up: Pau Gasol | Spain

I really don’t like Pau, but he was the beating heart of this Spanish team, showing why he’s regarded as a Don of the FIBA game. I’m very very glad he lost, and I hope Sun Yue puts some poison in his Orangina, or similarly freaky Euro-drink in training camp, but he certainly put up some great performances.

Most Likely Future Draft Pick

Winner: Ricky Rubio | Spain

Next Summer, Ricky will still be ineligible for the draft, which will leave him plenty of time to join best pal Frodo Baggins in a quest or two. After  that, it’s a deadset lock that this little fella will be plying his trade in the hardwood of some lucky lottery team.

Getting a start in the Olympic Finals, and dropping some nifty no-lookers in the  process, little Ricky is sure to be an NBA rotation player for at least a couple  of years to come (but that jersey name has to go).

Runner Up: Patrick Mills | Australia

In short, The Count’s favourite point guard. The future of Australian ball is in good shape, with Mills certain to join Australian bigs Andrew Bogut and Nathan Jawai in the NBA in the very near future. If he can work on his jumpshot and develop a CP3-esque runner, Mills is going to be bonkers — you heard it here first (seriously, you did).

Biggest Idiot

Winner: The Entire Spanish Team | Land of Racism

Read here. These guys are arseholes. For the first and only time, I’ll use Jason Kidd’s words (via Yahoo) to articulate a point:

‘We would’ve been already thrown out of the Olympics [...] At least, we wouldn’t have been able to come back to the U.S. There would be suspensions.’

Damn straight there would’ve been suspensions, and so there should’ve been. This was shocking behaviour from rich, grown men who should know that their cultural mimickery might have implications outside of their perceived meaning in Spain.

Runner Up: Chris Kaman | Germany (?)

From a legitimate disgrace, to a light hearted one: when your own father thinks you’re an idiot, it’s time to take a look in the mirror. Kaman can now look forward to a summer spent being called a traitor by his family, and trying to win back the love of his coalminer father.

Biggest What-ifs?

Winner: Andrew Bogut | The Boomers

Bogut’s ankle injury was the turning point of the games. (Keep in mind we’re Australian, and watching a fair amount of post-Olympic highlights packages, so we’re feeling v. patriotic). If Bogut doesn’t hobble off in the first quarter of the quarter finals against the Redeemers, I guarantee that Australia would’ve won the Gold.

I flat out guarantee it. (As we speak, I’m bidding on an Upper Deck Bogut auto and riding a Kangaroo).

Runner Up: Manu Ginobli

When Manu hobbled off in the semis against the USA, Argentina were toast. With Manu on the floor, as much a talisman as anything else, you never know how many treys and eye gouges the Argentinians would’ve thrown at the Americans, which might’ve resulted in a positive result for the Argies, and this will remain a hot topic in the post tournament wrap ups to come.

Posted by: James

Categories: Olympic Games · The Sport Count Awards
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The Reading List: Zombie Chamberlain

August 18, 2008 · No Comments

Zombie Wilt Chamberlain Leads USA Nightmare Team

Zombie Wilt Chamberlain Leads USA Nightmare Team To Victory.

Credit to The Onion for that fantastic image. (And if, like me, you’d forgotten how funny The Onion is, you should probably read ‘Tim Duncan Staring At Wall Right Now‘).

Over at Odenized, watch Kobe Bryant deck notorious racist (and Laker teammate) Pau Gasol, only to leave him lying on the floor like a wounded caveman. I tell you, if someone released a bootleg DVD packed with footage of the Spanish team getting dunked on, pushed to the floor and, hopefully, viciously insulted, I’d pay good money for it. Really good money. Jason Feng, are you listening?

You’ve no doubt heard Shaquille O’Neal and his comically smaller wife are back together. Good news for them, sure, but terrible for those holding out hope that O’Neal’s new found status as a single man would lead to him challenging the late Wilt’s title as ‘The World’s Greatest Pantsman.’ (Sorry, all you Errol Flynn heads ain’t got nothin’ on The Stilt).

The always enjoyable Britt Robson lays some love on the Redeem Team, including a good three paragraphs justifiably lauding the incredible play of Dwyane Wade. There are a lot of fine words there, but I must admit all I really read was ‘you should definitely pick Wade in the first round of your fantasy draft. He’s totally got first round value.’ No, Robson didn’t exactly say that — indeed, he doesn’t exactly mention fantasy basketball at all — but I’m great at reading between the lines.

Marty Burns at Sports Illustrated previews the West and the East: let’s briefly ignore just how silly and premature these rankings are, and focus on the fact that the usually excellent Burns seems to phoning it in lately.

I mean, sure, the Western Conference is loaded with tough teams, but are the Clippers really that unlikely to make the playoffs? If you put Baron Davis, Marcus Camby, and Chris ‘The German’ Kaman on a team together, you’re going to get some reasonable results, right? Unless, of course, Ricky Davis starts biting journalists during post-game locker room interviews, and demanding his teammates stay up until four each morning playing games of War.

And seriously, the Pacers are the 8th best team in the East? You reckon? Sure, they did reasonably well last year despite Jermaine O’Neal breaking both legs, spraining his jaw, and contracting syphilis, but ranking them above the presumably improved Heat and Bulls seems ludicrous.

PS Stephon Marbury says he’s still keen on heading to Italy. In other news, the residents of New York support this plan.

PPS It’s dark, but apparently this is Chuck Barkley smashing through a bottle of Patron. To paraphrase Jigga Man: ’shots of Patron / now he in the zone / I ain’t talkin’ ’bout the 2-3 / Barkley in the zone’.

Posted By: Anton

Categories: The Reading List
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Most Missable Games Of The 2008-2009 Schedule

August 13, 2008 · 5 Comments

Since this week’s release of the 2008-2009 NBA Schedule, the internet has been awash with guides on top games, key match ups and the contests you just can’t miss. With all of this positive swill, you’d be forgiven for thinking the entire schedule was completely unmissable.

I don't want to watch this.

Knicks Vs Bucks: I don't want to watch this.

Delving into the schedule like excited kids unwrapping a Christmas stocking, The Sport Count were saddened to see that beneath the Tonka Trucks (Cavs vs. Boston), GI Joes (Phoenix vs. New Orleans) and PSPs (LA vs. Utah) were several large and sooty lumps of coal.

Lucky for you that when The Count finds coal, we make fire, so sit back for a quick snapshot of the NBA’s Most Missable games of 2008-2009:

Wednesday, 29 October 2008: Indiana @ Detroit

The Pistons will suit up with the same unlikeable and charmless roster as last year — yes, Kwame, we’re trying to forget about you — and will offer little more than cruel efficiency and the occasional Rodney Stuckey highlight.

Rip Hamilton’s constant cutting and Phantom Of The Opera aesthetic will dominate lottery-bound Indiana. You could try cheering for the Pacers, but it might be difficult to get past the fact that Mike Dunleavy is possibly their best player.

A highlight for the neutral will be the hotly contested point guard slot for the Pacers: TJ Ford will justifiably start, and Jamaal Tinsley –- if he’s still around –- will spend his bench time working on a plan to shoot Ford right in the neck, ‘to explode the spine’.

Wednesday, 5 November 2008: Boston @ Oklahoma

If you’re keen on watching a championship team packed with superstar veterans beat the absolute christ out of a young team dealing with life in a new city, you’re in luck.

You’re also a bit of a bastard, because –- barring Kevin Garnett’s tendons snapping, Ray Allen freaking out and refusing to play because ‘there’s too much dirt in the arena’, and Paul Pierce sitting out because ‘the best player in the world can do what he wants’ — this will be an absolute bloodbath.

One positive for the Thunder? It’ll be a thorough, comprehensive introduction to total failure and substantial loss for the people of Oklahoma. And that’s a feeling they’ll have to get used to.

Monday, 23 February 2009: Indiana @ New York

Knicks and Pacer fans who remember those classic Madison Square Garden duels are in for a treat: think of Reggie Miller sparring against Spike Lee and nailing clutch 3s; think of a proud Patrick Ewing clogging the paint and giving Rik Smits nightmares.

Now, think of TJ Ford facing off against Danilo Gallinari. Think of the ball bouncing off Chris Duhon’s knee as he crosses half-court. Think of Eddy Curry and Zack Randolph sprinting the floor and establishing position on the low block, just as the shot clock ticks over to ‘8.’ That’s what the 2008-2009 rendition of this great rivalry promises the Pacer and Knick faithful.

Tuesday, 10 March 2009: New York @ Milkwaukee

Scintillating matchups. Where Amazing Happens! The most exciting league in the world!

Bobby Simmons dumps the ball into Andrew Bogut, who attempts five shots from within two feet (NBA loses eight fans), before Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry eventually grab a team rebound (NBA loses 12 fans), and Duhon throws an outlet pass to Nate Robinson which goes over his head and hits Danilo Gallinari in the face (NBA loses 15 fans, gains five clips on YouTube).

The highlight of this game will be seeing the exact moment when Richard Jefferson thinks ‘if this is the NBA, I’m going to Europe next year’.

Friday, 3 April 2009: Rockets @ LA Lakers

Back on His Hit Show in '09.
Andrew Bynum: Back On His Hit Show.

While this looks like a good game, you need to look at the date. By this point in the season, both Yao and Tracy McGrady will be riding the bench with elephantitis and chronic fatigue syndrome, respectively. Pau Gasol will have been released from the Lakers due to his incessant racism toward newly signed point guard, Sun Yue (evidenced here).

Kobe Bryant will be in hospital for attempting to jump over a helicopter in his annual marketing stunt, and Andrew Bynum will taking a sabbatical to go back to his roots as the star of Nickelodeon’s Kenan And Kel.

So this is your question: would you watch Lamar Odom play one-on-one against Ron Artest?

Posted by: James & Anton

Categories: On The Court
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Spain: Racist And Proud

August 12, 2008 · 10 Comments

Hey Pau, Yao Ming is going to beat you down.

Do you realise that? Yao is 7′6″, playing in front of his home crowd, on the world stage, and he is going to wreck you so badly. Because you went and made the above. Can we analyse this picture just briefly? It’s so mind-boggling on a number of levels:

  • The Spanish national team thinks racism fundamentally constitutes ‘humour.’
  • The Spanish national team thinks racism still constitutes humour in 2008.
  • The Spanish national team thinks racism still constitutes humour in 2008, in the context of the Olympics.
  • The Spanish national team thinks racism still constitutes humour in 2008, in the context of the Olympics, and is so convinced of this they release this photo.

Incredible, not only because 18th century attitudes are still apparently evocative of the national sense of humour, but for the stunning ignorance (read: two millenia of endemic European superiority) behind thinking the rest of the world would enjoy it too.

Fingers crossed now for a publicly released photo of the Chinese national team variously taking a siesta and sexually harassing some women.

Posted by: Alex

Categories: Off The Court · Olympic Games · Whitey Watch
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Grading The Contracts: Part 1

July 7, 2008 · No Comments

Great contract. Terrible facial hair.

Great contract. Terrible facial hair.

Just a few days into the free agency season and we’ve already seen a good amount of pen put to paper. No atrocities yet, though Kwame Brown is yet to be signed. (Hey, Philadelphia, how’d you like to drop five million a year on a small-handed, historically significant draft bust?).

Let’s grade the action so far:

Grizzlies sign Marc Gasol, the rights to whom they received in the Pau Gasol trade | Approx $3.5m | 3 years | You can’t miss here, with a wealth of positives — he’s related to Pau Gasol and that can’t hurt, the nice cheap rookie contract, Memphis PR constantly claim he’d ‘totally be a lottery pick this year’, he’s neither Kwame Brown nor Darko Milicic — and only one negative: yes, he’s totally got asshole facial hair (see above).

Grade: Doesn’t it seem like this Grizzlies team could be reasonable next year? Like, 25 wins reasonable, but really fun to watch. A-

Gilbert Arenas re-signs with the Wizards | $111m | 6 years | If you’re a Washington fan desperate for the team to add some bench depth or frontcourt strength, the close-to-max of Arenas will hurt. Not to say Arenas doesn’t deserve it — if you’re paying a guy to entertain, practice hard, keep the fans involved, and play some basketball, you may as well pay Gilbert Arenas — it’s just that you assume the Wizards could’ve kept him for less.

(Another negative: it should’ve been the Warriors. There isn’t a basketball fan alive immune to the charm of a hungry Gilbert Arenas playing with Stephen Jackson in a shoot-first-shoot-second offense).

Grade: Washington did the right thing in keeping Arenas. Unfortunately that means six more frustrating years of not quite making the conference finals, B-

Beno Udrih re-signs with the Kings | $32m | 5 years | Tough call for the Kings, with a young guy coming off one relatively strong, if not terribly efficient, season. You worry if he has plateaued. You worry that, just like when you figured Mikki Moore was worth more than five million a year, you might be paying for potential that may not be there.

Grade: Udrih will give them five serviceable years… but will serviceable be good enough for a team with (ridiculously misguided) championship aspirations? (Memo to Ron Artest: if you wanted a ring, you should’ve opted out). B-

Chris Duhon leaves the Bulls for the Knicks | Mid-Level Exception (Approx. $5.8m) | 2 years | A definite upgrade for the Knickerbockers (no, you don’t want Nate Robinson running the point), and a far sweeter situation for Duhon than the crowded Bulls backcourt.

The Knicks may have overpaid a touch — Duhon is significantly better in NBA 2K8 than in real life — but the fact we didn’t watch Isiah sign him to a $30m behemoth will make sleep a little easier for New York fans.

Grade: Assuming Duhon didn’t get his confidence shattered riding the Chicago pine, B+

Gerald Green signs with the Mavericks | minimum | one-year (probably non-guaranteed) | It never hurts to sign anyone to a non-guaranteed minimum contract*. Especially when there’s a slight chance their hyper athletic upside will pay off in a contract year scorcher in which the Governor General** averages fifteen points off the bench, most of them on breakaway dunks.

Grade: All of which is pretty unlikely to happen, but at least Dallas heads will have someone to cheer in the dunk contest, B-

Posted By: Anton

*Cuban, if you’re looking for a reality ratings winner, I’m totally willing to sign a non-guaranteed minimum wage contract and play for the Mavericks. I’ll do it.

**Gerald Green’s nickname, obviously.

Categories: Signings & Firings
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