The Atlantic. Thanks, Google Images.
Considering nearly every basketball website in the world has kindly furnished you with extensive season previews (we recommend Skeets’ efforts at Ball Don’t Lie, and John Hollinger’s terrifically geeked out team-by-team analysis at ESPN), we’re going to keep this relatively short.
Besides, we just don’t have time to dedicate 1300 words to each and every franchise. We’re far too busy with extremely important matters, like looking at the facial hair of the NBA, or rifling through players’ trashcans to find their rehab diaries.
But as serious ball freaks, we couldn’t let a fresh season kick off without a preview feature. We’ll keep things comfortably brief, so your eyeballs don’t get tired (you owe my optometrist money, Hollinger). We’ll kick things off with the Atlantic, one of the most oceanic of the six divisions:
Boston Celtics: Fearing his team may grow fat with self-congratulation, Kevin Garnett returns from an off-season spent researching new motivational techniques. He settles on Full Metal Jacket as his primary source of inspiration. Brian Scalabrine leaves the team in January with a Delonte-esque ‘mood disorder,’ after Garnett calls him an ‘orange-haired, mouse-toothed piece of jump-shootin’ shit.’
New Jersey Nets: The Nets become the richest sports team in the world, on the back of merchandise purchases from the 5.3 billion Chinese fans the NBA now boasts. (Interesting fact: there are 480 million Beijing residents watching a replay of the China-USA Olympic game right now).
David Stern further corners the Chinese market, and garners praise from Chinese president Hu Jintao, by instituting ‘the Double China rule’, whereby field goals scored by Chinese players are worth twice as much as those scored by non-Chinese players. Jintao goes wild for the idea, and insists Jianlian play at least 47 minutes a game, much to the chagrin of Lawrence Frank. Jianlian still averages just 14 points a game.
Philadelphia 76ers: Despite late-season injuries to Andre Miller and Louis Williams, the Sixers scrape into the playoffs on the back of strong frontcourt play from Elton Brand and Samuel Dalembert.
With their backcourt absolutely decimated, general manager Ed Stefanski figures disheartened Philadelphia fans would benefit from a familiar face, and brings in Donovan McNabb to man the point. McNabb is viciously booed and cruelly taunted instantly, and responds by committing 27 turnovers in his first game. He does briefly excite the crowd with a full-court alley-oop to Thaddeus Young.
'I is shooting threes! Si!'
Toronto Raptors: Shocking the naysayers, the Jermaine O’Neal and Chris Bosh frontcourt combo really works, both players averaging double-doubles, both playing the full 82 games. And notorious racist José Calderon delivers a ridiculous 5.6-1 assist-turnover ratio, nearly earning him an All-Star nod.
Unfortunately, Andrea Bargnani sabotages any playoff hopes by jacking up half-court threes, constantly screaming ‘I no go in this paint! No paint for Andrea!’ He averages 3.2 points on .071% shooting, and refuses to collect a rebound (‘Is no rebound! Mi rifiuto!’). Coach Sam Mitchell insists the Bargnani era is over, citing his wretched performances. General manager Jerry Colangelo disagrees, telling the media ‘he’s a number one pick. He’s good. I know he’s good. I drafted him. Sam will start him, and Sam will play him.’
Sam starts him, Sam plays him, and the Raptors win 21 games.
New York Knicks: With a 1-27 record, and Quentin Richardson averaging 32 field goal attempts a game at a .223% clip, the D’Antoni experiment is chalked up as a terrible failure just two months into the season.
Like a scene from an Oliver Stone-directed remake of Eddie, Rudy Guiliani is controversially named head coach, boasting that the legendary leadership skills he developed in the days and months after 9/11 will hold him in good stead. Jerome James, who spends each September eating prawn cocktails on his yacht, asks ‘what the fuck is 9/11?’
Guiliani does a much better job than Vinny Del Negro.
Posted By: Anton
