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Entries tagged as ‘Los Angeles Clippers’

How Are The Clippers So Terrible?

November 20, 2008 · 1 Comment

Clippers coach Mike Dunleavy in a relatively relaxed moment.

Clippers coach Mike Dunleavy in a relatively relaxed moment.

The Los Angeles Clippers are absolutely wretched, useless, worse than even the most cynical of commentators could have predicted. They’ve lost nine of their ten games, and only two of those matches have been away from the safety of the Staples Center.

Their sole victory was hardly inspiring, coming at home over an imploding Mavericks team caught between a desire to blood their young, and a need to win before their ageing veterans are shipped off to local nursing homes. After that lacklustre victory, Baron Davis tried to reassure the punters, and his teammates, and himself: ‘We let a couple of games get away that we had control of,’ he said. ‘But once you get that first one, it just takes the monkey of your back and you realize that you know how to win.’

Sorry Baron, but the monkey still rides. After that brief moment of Cuban-beating glory, the Clippers were wrecked by a shocking Kings squad, demolished by a Warriors team bound for the lottery, then narrowly beaten by an injury-riddled Spurs squad.

These are not good times for Los Angeles’ other team. Billy Crystal hasn’t slept in two weeks. He wanders the empty halls at the Clippers’ training centre in the dead of night, quietly weeping into a game-used Elton Brand jersey.

What’s going wrong with this team? Apart from, like, everything?

The problem lies exactly where most observers expected it would: chemistry, camraderie, the team dynamic. You wonder if this Clippers squad, so enthusiastically and haphazardly cobbled together in the off-season, can make it work, but it doesn’t look good.

Not with Marcus Camby phoning it in, as if actual games are just an unfortunate distraction, an irritating roadblock until he ends up on a team that isn’t cursed. He doesn’t look especially healthy, or motivated, and he’s clearly still disgusted at the crude manner in which the Nuggets dumped him –like a defensively-minded kidnap victim who woke up in East LA with a fat wallet and instructions to get to the arena.

Baron Davis looks like you don’t want Baron Davis to look; far too confident in his shot, too lazy to drive, bored, distracted. There’s no fire in him. He’s shooting 36.4% from the field, and going to the line just 3.4 times a game. His steals are down, and his three-point shot is wretched (23.3%). Diddy is living up to every critics’ nastiest claims: that his health last year was a contract year effort, that he isn’t a leader, that he inked a deal with the Clippers because he loves Los Angeles, not the team that goes with it.

The fact that Mike Dunleavy – a coach that, uh, seems to rub some players the wrong way (how’s the bay, Corey?) – is already butting heads with Baron doesn’t bode well. (Stephen Jackson diagnosed the problem after his Warriors beat Baron and his new team: ‘It’s kind of difficult for [Baron]. He likes playing fast and he likes having the ball a lot. They run a lot of isolation plays with the two and three guards and he doesn’t really get a chance to do his thing.’

Ugh! My team bad!

Ugh! My team bad!

Ricky Davis? His career looks all but over, jacking up ugly shots at a 32.3% clip, bludging on defense, adding nothing. Chris Kaman looks confused – more so than usual — whenever he looks around and sees Camby clogging up his paint. Al Thornton looks promising, just like he did last year. He isn’t yet the long-limbed offensive juggernaut many expected might emerge this season.

None of it is working, and it doesn’t make much sense. On paper, the Clippers should be a tenacious (albeit often ineffective) defensive squad, with Diddy gambling on steals, Camby swatting from the weakside, Kaman taking up room in the lane, and Thornton dogging the wings. On paper, the Clippers should be strong offensively, with sweet-shooting threats (Baron, Eric Gordon, Al Thornton, Ricky Davis every 4th game), a monster with surprising finesse in Chris Kaman, and a passing big man in Camby. On paper, the Clippers shouldn’t be the second-worst team in the West (only the Faux-Sonics are worse).

But games aren’t played on paper, and in the real world, this Clippers team is horrific.

Should the players go for post-game drinks? Do they need to play poker together? Would a big barbecue in Mike Dunleavy’s backyard help? We don’t know. But if the Clippers want to win, they better start talking to each other. As it is, they look like bewildered strangers bound only by contractual obligation, not a desire to win.

Posted By: Anton

Categories: On The Court
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The Count Preview: Pacific Division

October 27, 2008 · No Comments

A rap group called Pacific Division. Probably the 18th best rap group named after an NBA division.

Rap group Pacific Division: Probably the 18th best rap group named after an NBA division.

Golden State Warriors: C.J. Watson is a surprisingly serviceable point guard… until Monta Ellis introduces him to abseiling, and he spends most of the season in hospital as a result.

Don Nelson brings his ‘grizzled alcoholic’ look, perfected during the pre-season, into the regular season. By the end of the season – with the Warriors heading towards a very high lottery spot – Don Nelson is a grizzled alcoholic.

Los Angeles Clippers: Naysayers be damned, the Clippers work.

Ricky Davis holding a kitten.

Baron Davis celebrates a great Clippers season. Not pictured: Ricky Davis holding a kitten.

Somehow, the team just clicks, the chemistry perfect. Baron has Marcus, Al, Cuttino and the boys over for Thai food at least once a week; they listen to Miles Davis records and discuss the ascension of Barack. Coach Dunleavy is relaxed and confident, joking with his players at practice, the atmosphere free and easy. Ricky Davis spends his days off doing work in local underprivileged communities.

And remarkably, the team is almost totally injury free, thanks to huge investments in the Clippers’ health and training infrastructure from owner Donald Sterling.

As this happens, the global recession eases, the United States sees GDP growth of 11.5% with no inflationary effect, Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe transforms into an intelligent, caring, financially astute leader, Sarah Palin delivers a white paper that dissolves any tension between Israel and Palestine, and Adriana Lima leaves Marko Jaric for a member of the Sport Count team.

Los Angeles Lakers: Phil Jackson keeps falling asleep on the sidelines. ‘My guys know the system, and the triangle runs itself,’ he tells the media in early November. ‘My hip has been flaring up. I’ve just been sleeping it off.’

Kobe Bryant grasps the opportunity, drapes a tie over his jersey during each time out, and calls himself ‘Coach Kobe.’ He calls a lot of plays for himself. Arguably too many.

Phoenix Suns: Shaquille O’Neal makes his first appearance on the stunningly well-produced real crime series The First 48, shot in Phoenix. He solves a crime. It’s awesome.

(And the Suns win 49 games, and lose to the Jazz in the second round. But the main thing is that Shaq solves a crime).

Sacramento Kings: With Brad Miller constantly high as a motherfucker, Spencer Hawes steps up as the Kings starting centre. Republicans love it. Basketball fans hate it.

With a playoff berth a mathematical impossibility, budding actor Quincy Douby takes February off while filming a remake of the 1979 Julius Erving classic The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh. John Salmons bores his teammates with the same joke at every practice: ‘Quincy? Should’ve been me! Salmons! That’s a fish! C’mon!

Posted By: Anton

Categories: On The Court · Sport Count Guide
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Farewell, Sweet White Chocolate

September 28, 2008 · No Comments

'Hey Pat, where should I display my substantially depreciated athletic abilities?' 'Over there, on the basketball court.'

Oh Jason, it’s as if we hardly knew ye. For years, we were collectively slathered in your sweet white chocolate, and then, without notice, you up and leave.

Los Angeles Clippers point guard Jason Williams announced his retirement from the NBA today, ending his 10-year career. Signed by the Clippers as a free agent on August 7, 2008, Williams did not appear in a game for Los Angeles.

He didn’t even have a chance to contribute to the inevitably off-kilter chemistry of this new look Clippers team.

At least we have memories, right?

We’ll always remember his distinctive look; the peroxide blonde hair and high cheek bones guaranteeing Williams would always be the best early-90s twink porn star the gay porn producers of the world would never have. Noted blue movie woodsman Jeff Stryker was a real Williams fan, once proclaiming ’Jason is the model. He’s the guy. That choirboy hair? That innocent-kitten-meets-rough-trade demeanour? Yeah, he has the look we all want.’

And, of course, Williams was one of the league’s best ever racists:

According to Ching [a Warriors fan], he told Williams, ‘Get used to sitting on the bench.’

Williams responded, ‘Are you gay? Are you a fag?’

An angered Williams then pelted Ching with expletives, at one point defaming him as a ’slant-eyed motherfucker.’

Williams then pretended with his hands to shoot a machine gun toward Ching and the others, yelling, ‘I will shoot all you Asian motherfuckers,’ while imitating machine gun sounds.

What a loss to the league. David Stern must be so upset.

Posted By: Anton

Categories: Signings & Firings · Whitey Watch
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Roster Rater: Golden State Warriors

September 19, 2008 · No Comments

After running a fine-toothed comb through the champion Celtic roster, The Sport Count team heads way out west to apply its famed analytical skills to the Bay Area’s best.

B-Diddy turns his back on Golden State, just as he would in the off-season.

B-Diddy turns his back on Golden State, just as he would in the off-season.

Golden State Warriors | Total Salary: $56,133,870

Straight off the bat, $56M doesn’t seem like much to pay for a team who knocked the Western Conference champions out of the playoffs two years ago, and only just missed the post-season last year.

These past two seasons have been characterised by the excitement prompted by Golden State’s hyper-offensive plays, and their colourful team: Baron Davis’ unbelievable consistency, Monta Ellis’ breakout season, and Stephen Jackson’s fixation with handguns.

But then the off-season happened. Baron packed up bags for a town a few clicks south, Monta did something and now won’t start the season, and the Warriors’ cap space was gambled on a European (always a mistake) and a talented-but-egocentric swingman. So for now, Golden State are an unknown quantity. Can Monta fulfill his role at the point? Will Maggette fit into a team where he isn’t the first option on offence? Will Biedrins justify his obscene contract?

If so, we might see another season of upsets in the West. If not, Golden State will be the new Clippers.

Adonal Foyle | $9,750,000 | 1 year

It’s impossible not to like Adonal Foyle. He has a history degree, founded a grassroots organisation called Democracy Matters, and reviews his favourite books on his official site. He’s a genuinely fantastic human being.

Regardless, Adonal could cure cancer in the off-season and his bloated salary would still be ridiculous. Especially considering he’s not even on the Warriors roster.

Al Harrington | $9,226,250 | 2 years

Harrington has a great contract. Having a young guy who can score and play a bit of defense inside is a great commodity — particularly one who can stick with the ridiculously high-octane offense Nelly is runs.

The issue with this contract is that Harrington is being stupidly used — because the Warriors don’t do half-court sets, Harrington is constantly forced to the perimeter. So while we’ve got $9M in contract just oozing potential, who knows if we’ll ever get the chance to see if it’s worth it. Oh well, that’s Don Nelson.

Andris Biedrins | $9,000,000 | 5 years

When you’re looking at the $9M over two which Harrington is getting as a bargain, you can then look at this contract and start to think a little closer about Golden State management. They let Baron Davis go - who was only looking for a couple of million more than Biedrins - and instead signed their undersized, soft-as-tissue-paper big man for nearly $50M over five years. Well, that’s just silly.

Every time I see the pundits on ESPN or wherever talk about how ‘this is a solid signing for the Warriors,’ I laugh and cry simultaneously because, as a Knicks fan I know that, somehow, Biedrins will end up in the blue and orange before too long. In fact, this contract makes me want to instigate a new salary cap rule: Europeans are only allowed to be paid $5M or less a season. The league will thank me.

Corey Maggette | $8,600,000 | 5 years

Anyone who has owned Maggette in a fantasy team, or watched one of the two Clippers games ESPN has ever shown, would be aware of his consistently respectable offensive numbers. He is more than competent at the two position; a quality second-tier shooting guard. At Golden State, Maggette looks to benefit from having Monta (unless something drastic happens), Al Harrington and Captain Jack around, as he’s unlikely to be guarded by the opposition’s best defensive player.

At the same time, you get the feeling that no longer being the stand-out shooting option on the team could be something Corey finds it hard to adjust to. The contract this year is worth the gamble. In five years’ time though, he just might be the next Larry Hughes.

(Side note: Interestingly, when you look up the word Maggette in a French dictionary, the literal translation is ‘knee-jerk’).

a talented forward, an even more talented set thrower.

Stephen Jackson: a talented forward, an even more talented set thrower.

Stephen Jackson | $7,140,000 | 2 years

A wonderful contract, because it adheres to ‘The Artest Principle,’ whereby a hugely talented guy with ‘character issues’ will always be available cheaply.

Unless Captain Jack starts spraying bullets down by North Beach, he’ll deserve every cent he gets.

Ronny Turiaf | $4,000,000 | 4 years

When it comes to guys you want on your bench, Turiaf is in a league of his own, the French energy man constantly swiping and swishing two or three large white towels through the air. If you were paying Ronny only to psyche his teammates up — like a hulking, bearded, Sarkozy-ruled cheerleader — his contract would be worth every cent.

The fact he’s a rabid rebounder with a surprisingly soft mid-range touch who is paid less than the league average? Well, that’s a nice bonus.

Brandan Wright | $2,081,100 | 1 year

Wright will turn into a decent player, injuries notwithstanding. Tough to judge rookie contracts though, as we all know he’ll probably bolt for some silly team looking to pay him $40M over five years after he averages eight and six down the stretch in limited minutes. That’s the NBA.

Kosta Perovic | $1,944,000 | 2 years

Let’s be honest, I’ve never seen Kosta Perovic play. But I can tell you one thing… with that name, he’s certain to be absolutely worthless unless he’s unguarded from three-point range.

Anthony Randolph | $1,424,400 | 2 years

Are rookie contracts - with the exception of those offered to white guys - ever that bad? An athletic left-hander who seems to have a bunch of upside to support GSW’s sharp-shooting forwards is worth the money. The only question is whether Don Nelly will elect to ignore his inside game as he has done with Al Harrington, and keep him on the perimeter.

Marco Belinelli | $1,205,600 | 1 year

Belinelli came out firing in the 2007 summer league, putting up 37 points in his first game. Don Nelson gushed. ‘I think he’s been sensational,’ said Nellie. ‘He’s very unpredictable offensively, and that’s what I like about him.’

Then Nelson played ‘Bench The Eurobust’, playing him in just 33 games. Say it with me: ‘thank god for rookie contracts.’

Marcus Williams | $1,262,520 | 1 year

Williams posted halfway reasonable numbers in his rookie and sophomore seasons at the Nets, given his bench-heavy minutes. With Monta out, Williams will have the opportunity to demonstrate whether he can find a place at the point. Meanwhile, every player at Golden State will be leaving their laptops at home.

Monta Ellis | Apparently $66m | 6 years

If this contract was the $66M Monta was originally offered, and this was a few weeks ago, when he was healthy, the verdict would’ve been simple: you’ve just paid a good player with a load of upside the money that he’s worth.

Now, however, we have a situation where you might pay a good player what he’s worth. And you’re now in a position to justifiably say ‘Monta, you’re getting less money, because you were a douche. You went and did something we explicitly told you not to. You could do anything you wanted bar about three activities, and you chose one of them.’

Going on his form from last year though, you’d have to say any contract from $66M down is a pretty good contract for Monta.

Posted by: Alex, Anton & James

Previous Rosters Rated: New York Knicks, Boston Celtics.

Note: when expressing the years remaining on a contract, we’ve taken the team’s potential liability into account, meaning we assume a player will accept their player option. A team option is not considered a liability.

Categories: Roster Rater
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The Reading List: Zombie Chamberlain

August 18, 2008 · No Comments

Zombie Wilt Chamberlain Leads USA Nightmare Team

Zombie Wilt Chamberlain Leads USA Nightmare Team To Victory.

Credit to The Onion for that fantastic image. (And if, like me, you’d forgotten how funny The Onion is, you should probably read ‘Tim Duncan Staring At Wall Right Now‘).

Over at Odenized, watch Kobe Bryant deck notorious racist (and Laker teammate) Pau Gasol, only to leave him lying on the floor like a wounded caveman. I tell you, if someone released a bootleg DVD packed with footage of the Spanish team getting dunked on, pushed to the floor and, hopefully, viciously insulted, I’d pay good money for it. Really good money. Jason Feng, are you listening?

You’ve no doubt heard Shaquille O’Neal and his comically smaller wife are back together. Good news for them, sure, but terrible for those holding out hope that O’Neal’s new found status as a single man would lead to him challenging the late Wilt’s title as ‘The World’s Greatest Pantsman.’ (Sorry, all you Errol Flynn heads ain’t got nothin’ on The Stilt).

The always enjoyable Britt Robson lays some love on the Redeem Team, including a good three paragraphs justifiably lauding the incredible play of Dwyane Wade. There are a lot of fine words there, but I must admit all I really read was ‘you should definitely pick Wade in the first round of your fantasy draft. He’s totally got first round value.’ No, Robson didn’t exactly say that — indeed, he doesn’t exactly mention fantasy basketball at all — but I’m great at reading between the lines.

Marty Burns at Sports Illustrated previews the West and the East: let’s briefly ignore just how silly and premature these rankings are, and focus on the fact that the usually excellent Burns seems to phoning it in lately.

I mean, sure, the Western Conference is loaded with tough teams, but are the Clippers really that unlikely to make the playoffs? If you put Baron Davis, Marcus Camby, and Chris ‘The German’ Kaman on a team together, you’re going to get some reasonable results, right? Unless, of course, Ricky Davis starts biting journalists during post-game locker room interviews, and demanding his teammates stay up until four each morning playing games of War.

And seriously, the Pacers are the 8th best team in the East? You reckon? Sure, they did reasonably well last year despite Jermaine O’Neal breaking both legs, spraining his jaw, and contracting syphilis, but ranking them above the presumably improved Heat and Bulls seems ludicrous.

PS Stephon Marbury says he’s still keen on heading to Italy. In other news, the residents of New York support this plan.

PPS It’s dark, but apparently this is Chuck Barkley smashing through a bottle of Patron. To paraphrase Jigga Man: ’shots of Patron / now he in the zone / I ain’t talkin’ ’bout the 2-3 / Barkley in the zone’.

Posted By: Anton

Categories: The Reading List
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