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Entries tagged as ‘Gilbert Arenas’

The Count Preview: Southeast Division

October 28, 2008 · No Comments

citizens are currently considering a motion by Dwyane Wade to rename the beach Dwyane Wade.

Miami's South Beach: citizens are currently considering a motion by Dwyane Wade to rename the beach 'Dwyane Wade.'

Miami Heat: With Shaq out of town, crime in Miami skyrockets, and the beleagured police force call on the heightened talents of their city’s basketball team to help out: Wade is able to run down and catch any thief on foot and most any thief in cars; Beasley talks such epic trash that even hardened criminals break down in tears; and Chris Quinn spends his off-court time mixing potions that either restore the flagging energy of Miami’s police force or add +1 to Marion’s mana.

Erik Spoelstra has marginal success in his first season as coach, taking Miami to 25 wins, largely due to the answers he gets to his coaching inquiries on Yahoo! fantasy forums. His off-court time is spent blazing up with Mario Chalmers and referring to Pat Riley as “Old Father Time.”

Charlotte Bobcats: What will Larry Brown bring to the franchise this year? It’s well known that Charlotte are probably one mid-level player away from genuine play-off contention, when things are going right. If J-Rich, Gerald Wallace, Okafor and Felton can contribute for a full season, Charlotte could pull off some surprising upsets and finish the regular season with a shot at the 8th spot.

This, however, ignores the very real possibility that Felton cracks it over the decision to draft yet another point guard who will challenge for his spot, and demands a trade, thus disrupting team chemistry — which will see Adam Morrison out for three weeks with an injured tear duct.

There are at least two further major concerns: is Gerald Wallace’s brain still functioning, and will another knock render him disabled; and what will be the atrocious decision Michael Jordan makes this year?

Atlanta Hawks: The big question on everyone’s mind will be the effect Josh Childress’ absence will have on Atlanta’s depth and presence off the bench. While this will be an unknown quantity until the season starts, The Sport Count has the answer to the second biggest question on everyone’s mind: yes, there is now a huge excess of weed in Atlanta as a result of Childress’ move.

J-Smoove’s off-season signing to $58M should placate him enough to continue being ridiculous on the defensive end, and Joe Johnson should return to his marksmanship ways. With Al Horford only getting better, look for this team to still be in contention in the second round of the playoffs. Don’t look for Mike Bibby though, who will by that time have sprained both wrists, broken his neck, accidentally gnawed one of his legs off, and covered his head in so many bad tattoos he is no longer recognisable.

Washington Wizards: This is just frustrating. If Washington had their All-Star trio of Arenas, Jamison and Butler all healthy, they’d probably one of the most exciting teams to watch in the East. As it is, Antawn hurt himself before the season, Gilbert is unsurprisingly out due to his terrible rehab routine, Caron is almost as fragile as T-Mac, and starting Center Brendan Haywood is potentially out for the season. Talk about starting on the back foot. If the Wiz can overcome these injury concerns and post a reasonable record, it will be one of the great achievements of the season.

The one horrible inevitability is that injuries will mean Nick Young gets more court-time, which will result in him jacking up so many ill-advised shots that it’ll make Larry Hughes look like Ray Allen.

Orlando Magic: Is there any chance they won’t top the division? Dwight is continuing to put up the kind of numbers that destroy small towns, Turkoglu is coming off a career season that all the pundits think will be repeated, Rashard Lewis is playing well enough that you forget he gets paid as much as Kobe and 50% more than LeBron, and Jeff Van Gundy has been signed to ESPN to now Stan can stop worrying what his lovable-but-mentally-deficient brother is doing and actually concentrate on the game. All signs point to the Magic being a dominant force in the Eastern Conference.

The highlight will be when Dwight offers to correct the geological problem Oden caused on the west coast by starting his run-up in Philly and dunking the Chrysler building.

Posted by: Alex

Categories: Off The Court · Sport Count Guide
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Tyson Chandler: A Great Human

October 13, 2008 · No Comments

Tyson Chandler talks about meeting Obama in his latest blog post:

A great rebounder (left) meets a great orator (right).

A great rebounder (left) meets a great orator (right).

He’s just one of those dudes who comes off so poised, calm and just touchable. I’ve never felt like a Presidential candidate was touchable, that you could actually sit down and have a conversation with him. But with Obama, I feel like I’m in touch with him, like I understand what he’s talking about.

I’ve watched debates in the past, and I never knew what was going on. I never realized what the President was talking about. But Obama breaks it down so that I can understand, my grandparents can understand, anybody can. He bridges the gaps and brings everybody together.

I was sitting at the rally yesterday and I saw this older black gentleman with a camcorder. He had grey hair and he was recording it. I was just watching him and he looked so proud. It looked like he was gonna record it and go back, show his grandchildren and say “I was here on this day.”

And next to him were some older white ladies, who when Obama was making his speech, were jumping up, screaming and raising their hands. So, I was thinking, “Wow, look at that.” You had different nationalities there, different ages and different genders, and everybody was there for the same cause. We haven’t seen this in a long time. And it was just a great thing to be a part of.

And then talks tax:

…When Obama was giving his speech, he said he was gonna give a tax cut to 95 percent of the people. He says, “If you make under $250,000 a year, raise your hand.” And everybody there raised their hand, except for this one small section of guys. That was our section. And everybody around us was laughing.

But you know what, it’s a bigger cause. And the way I look at it is that I can afford to pay more in taxes. But my parents, my grandparents, my cousins … with what they make, they can’t afford to cut back in their household with what they’re trying to survive with. I can afford to make cuts and still survive. They can’t take that knock.

I think that’s what’s going on now and the reason why the middle class is struggling so much. The upper class, we can take that hit. Obviously, nobody wants to take it, but we still can. And we can afford to live nice lives.

I’ve lived in both situations. And not only that, I’m obviously the only one in my family that can say that I’m a millionaire. I’ve seen my entire family struggle. So, would I rather see my whole family struggle while I get a break, or have me not get a break while the rest of my family gets one? I’ll take my entire family getting a break.

Take note, Gilbert Arenas. Tyson just taught you about the fairness of a progressive tax.

Posted By: Anton

Categories: Off The Court
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The Rehab Diaries: Gilbert Arenas

September 23, 2008 · 3 Comments

The Sport Count team aren’t adverse to some opportunistic, muck-raking journalism when the occasion presents itself. We’ve got a hook up, a deep throat if you will, who gets us some of the hottest documents from the most secret locations — notably NBA players’ diaries, from NBA players’ dumpsters.

Anyone ever wondered why Gilbert has struggled so much to recover from injury? Ever wondered if it was bad luck, bad rehab processes or negligent professional counsel? Wonder no longer.

"Playing is fine, but street clothes is where your swagger shows"

"Playing is fine, but street clothes is where your swagger shows"

10:00am: Wake up, drink some Tang aka Rehab Juice. Tang actually makes your muscles heal faster. It’s a fact, one which I learned from my boy D-Wade, who drank nothing but Tang throughout the ‘07-’08 regular season.

11:00am: Call up my boy Nick Young, tell him the secret to running the point and getting paid as he enters a contract year (deep threes, baby. Contested triples). Counselling young people helps your mind, helping your mind helps your knees. I can’t see how it can’t! Everything is tied to your mind.

12:00pm: Aka the Xbox hour. Someone’s about to get fragged (I’m looking at you AndrewBynumBT). Maybe even telefragged. You never know with this baby. All this rest and mental stimulation is helping my knee like you wouldn’t believe. The Wii might be the best for fitness, but the Xbox has recuperation properties like Phoenix feathers.

4:00pm: Time for burgers and fries. The doc says that this is the perfect food for rehabilitation. I can practically feel the lettuce and mayo infiltrating the abrasions and scar tissue, breaking them down one at a time.

6:00pm: Siesta.

10:00pm: Hit the club. Crutches of course, so the structured movement helps me rehab whilst cranking that Soulja Boy ‘Tell ‘Em’ dance ’til dawn. I mean literally ’til dawn — DeShaun has paid the DJ $50,000 to not play anything else.

3:00am: Stand in front of the mirror for one hour before bed on one leg. I figure this can only help — that’s how much I’m determined to come back. That’s how much I want this, man.

I’d say I’ll be back in a month or so. The amount of things I’m doing to occupy my time… I can feel myself getting better.

Posted by: James

Categories: NBA Mysteries · Off The Court
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George Bush Doesn’t Care About Black People (Unless They’re The Celtics)

September 23, 2008 · 8 Comments

Paul Pierce, Kendrick Perkins, a terrible human.

L-R: Paul Pierce, Kendrick Perkins, a terrible human.

I know it’s not a big deal. I get that. Yeah, the Celtics went to the White House, but it wasn’t a political statement, nor a vote of confidence in an embattled, incompetent figurehead. Of course not.

It was just an obligatory photo opportunity; an easy way for an increasingly irrelevant President to score a few points with the sport fans of America. Or, for the less cynical, simply a nice bit of high-level acknowledgement for the hard-working Celtics.

But isn’t it patently ridiculous, nigh absurd, that the Celtics are forced to meet Bush?

I’m not here to make cheap Dubya zingers — they’re nearly as played out as Michael Jackson jokes — but why would a team of athletes want to meet an embarrassment to democracy like Bush? Are they forced to attend? If a politically-minded player justifiably opted to reject a Bush handshake, would they be fined or suspended?

The typical NBA player didn’t grow up rich. They didn’t grow up privileged, blessed by nepotism or undue favour. They worked ridiculously hard to be good at basketball — one of the few ways a kid from the projects, or the neglected outer suburbs of America, can get serious money. Many of them could never afford college, were it not for the scholarships granted to them. Many, had their NBA dreams shattered like the thousands before them, would not be able to afford adequate healthcare.

So why would they want to meet a man like Bush, a manifestation of the cruel ease with which a white, untalented, unintelligent, uneducated goon can get rich and powerful?

Hell, maybe some of the Celtics are die-hard Republicans. I don’t know. Maybe some Boston ballers adore the lofty tax breaks given to the rich.

Maybe some relate to Washington resident Gilbert Arenas, who recently disappointed his fans by spouting this ridiculous drivel:

It’s hard for me to vote, because since I’ve been in the NBA I’ve been in the upper class so I’ve been a Republican. If you have any type of money, you’re a Republican, period.

Whatever, Gilbert. I’m guessing most NBA players aren’t real Bush family fans. I know Rasheed Wallace isn’t. When asked about meeting Bush after the Pistons won the 2004 championship, Wallace had this to say:

I don’t have shit to say to [Bush]. I didn’t vote for him. It’s just something we have to do.

Right on, Rasheed.

Posted By: Anton

Categories: NBA Mysteries · Off The Court
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Your Guide To NBA Tattoos: Part Three

September 6, 2008 · 5 Comments

Over the past three weeks, The Sport Count has looked at the very best and very worst of NBA tattoos. Mainly the worst.

If you’ve missed Luke Walton’s dunking monkeys, Tim Duncan’s Merlin love, or Marquis Daniels’ depiction of a man shooting himself in the head with a shotgun, head over to parts one and two.

Dennis Rodman.

Who is it? Dennis Rodman, celebrated star of Geek To Freak With Dennis Rodman.

What do they appear to depict? Two angry bulls, a motorcycle blazing through the fires of hell, a crucifix, a rose, and the same ‘Celtic armband’ every young male had inked on their bicep back in ‘98 (because it’d look totally sick at the Sugar Ray gig).

Why did he get them? If we’re getting literal–and Rodman isn’t known for his love of the figurative–one assumes the Bulls are a tribute to his Chicago days.

The rose, motorcycle, and armband are easily explained: Dennis walked into his local tattoo parlour, threw a couple of hundred dollar bills at the artist, closed his eyes, spun around, and pointed at random designs on the wall.

Were they a good idea? As you know, freaks have tattoos, and geeks don’t. Dennis doesn’t want to be a geek, does he?

Who is it? DeShawn Stevenson.

DeShawn Stevenson

What does it appear to depict? It looks a whole lot like Deshawn’s surname, tattooed on his back.

Why did he get it? Stevenson’s family have a very tiny television, and were having serious problems distinguishing him from Gilbert Arenas (as if the handles, or lack thereof, weren’t a giveaway).

DeShawn solved the problem, only to realise that David Stern insists players may not be shirtless on the court. What a fascist prick.

Was it a good idea? It really depends.

No, if you plan on committing crimes shirtless. Yes, if you’re counting on an angry LeBron James coming to your house and taking every single one of your worldly possessions–including your team jerseys–on a whim.

No, if you’re in a DC nightclub trying to pick up chicks while pretending you’re Caron Butler. Yes, if you like to represent really hard while catching a tan (important if your beach needs a back-up shooting guard, and has a bunch of cap space).

Who is it? Brazil native, and noted NBA failure, Rafael Araújo. (If you’re wondering, his name is pronounced ‘Ha-fa-ew Ah-rah-oo-zhoo.’ Good news is you won’t ever have to say it, unless you land a commentary job with the Russian Basketball Super League).

What does it appear to depict? A Japanese symbol, and a dinosaur eating, um, a turkey?

Why did he get it? Brazil seems like an odd place, if you believe the internet, full of freaked out Catholics, big-arsed babes, dead baby penguins, and (according to Yahoo! Answers) ‘lots of prostitutes and transsexuals.’

If you grow up amongst that, a T-Rex hooking into a gamebird probably makes a weird kind of sense.

Was it a good idea? Calling that design an ‘idea’ may be giving it too much credit.

Who is it? Obscure Cleveland forward LeBron James.

What does it appear to depict? LeBron’s tattoo depicts the humble, but potentially apt, phrase, Chosen 1. There’s a small dot in the middle, so it looks like it could be his Diablo II character’s name (’NO SPACES ALLOWED’).

Why did he get it? When he was 15, LeBron James was a bookworm. Forget the ESPN covers and the national coverage for his high school games, the one thing that LeBron liked to do (aside from violate amateur athlete laws) was read, and his poison of choice? Harry Potter.

LeBron empathised with the central character. James was similarly blessed with remarkable skills that others did not understand, or possess. He, like Potter, was forced to live in a closet beneath the stairs. And he shared an inexplicable fondness of owls with the boy wizard. When it came time to bless the national stage with his talents, LeBron insisted on honouring his inspiration with a shout out to J.K. Rowling — the master of the literary jumpshot.

Was it a good idea? Potter references aside, it’s a bold call to put ‘Chosen 1′ on your back in enormous script.

Admittedly, it’s pretty hard to make jokes about LeBron, because he’s actually very good. But for all of that ‘humble hero’ stuff, and the ‘this is the star the NBA needed’ rhetoric (which you’re sure to hear 400 times if you start a season on NBA 2k8 with the Cavs), LeBron’s back tattoo is the most arrogant tattoo in the world.

It’s lucky he can back it up.

Posted By: Anton, Alex & James

Categories: Off The Court · Sport Count Guide · Your Guide To NBA Tattoos
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