Previously, we’ve been disappointed by injury, early returns, and re-injuries. But, this year, there is a genuine buzz and excitement building for the NBA’s forgotten superstar.

What will happen? Well, as diligent students of basketball and gambling, The Sport Count team has developed a book on potential scenarios for Gilbert’s upcoming season.

Is this the year Gilbert Arenas evolves? (Illustration: Ben Toupein)

Become an All-Star – 3:2

The odds of Arenas becoming an All-Star are pretty short, given fan voting and internationals will likely get him in there. The odds of him deserving an All-Star berth, however, are significantly slimmer.

Become an All-NBA player – 10:1

With a log-jam of talent ahead of him at guard, Arenas will struggle to dethrone some of the talent out there. Whilst barring injury, Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul, Dwyane Wade and Brandon Roy will be locks for four of the six All-NBA guard spots — leaving third team honours up for grabs.

Arenas faces very tough competition from incumbents Chauncey Billups and Tony Parker — not to mention those who didn’t make it: Deron Williams, Joe Johnson, and Devin Harris.

Shoot Better than 45% from the field – 25:1

Gilbert has done this just once in his career — as a Warrior, in his rookie campaign, when he averaged 24mpg.

Whilst there’s been a lot of hype from the Gilbert camp about him amending his role so as to become a distributor, there is little, if anything, to suggest this is more than simply bluster.

While we’d love to see a more efficient Gilbert, the odds are indicative of the realistic chances of this happening. Once the bloodlust of shooting 40-foot three pointers starts to turn his eyes yellow.

Evolve – 20:1

The odds of Gilbert Arenas evolving are long, but well worth a flutter if you’re so inclined.

Evolution can occur in Pokémon for several different reasons, the most common of which is gaining enough battle experience. There are many other factors that can determine if, when, and into what, different Pokémon will evolve.

For example, some evolutions will only occur if the Pokémon is holding a certain item; at a certain time of day; if the Pokémon’s Loyalty is high enough; if the Pokémon is a certain gender; and if it is traded to another player. The player can choose to halt evolution at any time before the animation is finished (only by level up), simply by pressing the B button, unless the evolution was purposely initiated using an evolutionary stone.

Posted by: James

Illustration: Ben Toupein

As the draft goes on, and the choices become harder, we’ll no doubt see some far more significant surprises.

Fantasy notes: we’re working with a 12-team, head-to-head league, playing with standard categories.

13. The Funston Freaks: Andre Iguodala | Philadelphia 76ers

Y’know, I’d consider Calderon here, but his 2nd most positively-impacting category (free-throw shooting) would be wasted on a team with Dwight Howard. So, Iguodala it is, a multi-stat sure thing.

Importantly, he’s durable — in the past three seasons, he’s missed just six games. And as the focal point of a developing 76ers squad, Andre will continue racking up points, dimes, and boards.
Only drawback? He’s shot at 72% from the stripe the past two seasons. But that’s exactly what drew me to him. I’m going to punt that category so hard stattracker will cry.

2008-09: 82 games played | 18.8 points | 5.7 rebounds | 5.3 assists | 47.3% field-goal | 72.4% free-throw | 1.0 threes | 1.6 steals | 0.4 blocks | 2.7 turnovers

14. John Hollinger’s W.A.S.S.U.P System: Chris Bosh | Toronto Raptors

With Brandon Roy an effective 5-cat start in either the PG or SG position, it’s probably advisable to take a quality big to pair him with.

With Bosh still on the board this late, you don’t really have a choice — his consistent 20-10 game comes with the bonus of an .800FT clip, and he’ll generally bring a steal and a block to the party. While he doesn’t have the mouth-watering FG% of Amar’e, who’s still available, he also doesn’t have the injury gamble. Not to mention it’s a contract year.

2008-09: 77 games played | 22.7 points | 10.0 rebounds | 2.5 assists | 48.7% field-goal | 81.7% free-throw | 0.2 threes | 0.9 steals | 1.0 blocks | 2.3 turnovers

15. The Buss Family All-Star Band: Amar’e Stoudemire | Phoenix Suns

I was considering Amar’e at #10 for this team, and would almost select him ahead of Nowitzki at #7. He’s the perfect big man to pair with Deron Williams for this team.

The fact he’s fallen to here obviously highlights that there are concerns about his ludicrously frightening eye injury. However, with a re-upped Steve Nash, a contract year and a mooted return to the seven-seconds-or-less era, Amar’e could represent top-5 value this year.

2008-09: 53 games played | 21.4 points | 8.1 rebounds | 2.0 assists | 53.9% field-goal | 83.5% free-throw | 0.1 threes | 0.9 seals | 1.1 blocks | 2.8 turnovers

16. Andrew Bynom Nom Noms: Devin Harris | New Jersey Nets

With Al-Jeff locking up the big man stats, it’s time to cement some dimes, and Devin’ll help that.

The fact he’ll be the undisputed go-to guy in Jersey should only help the cause; he’ll be forced into scoring more, and dishing more, with nearly every possession run through him. He dropped off at the tail-end of 2008-09, but we can chalk that up to injury issues. Bonus: His 1.7 steals will nicely complement Jefferson’s 1.7 blocks.

2008-09: 69 games played | 21.3 points | 3.4 rebounds | 6.9 assists | 43.8% field-goal | 82.0% free-throw | 0.9 threes | 1.7 steals | 0.2 blocks | 3.1 turnovers

17. On Grounds Of Vinsanity: Chauncey Billups | Denver Nuggets

I’m glad at this point that someone else gambled on Harris, who will likely up his injury risk (as well as is numbers) by being almost the only Net who can attack the basket.

But after picking up Gasol, this team needs a solid 1-man and Billups is the guy. He proved last season that he’s running Denver now, with his 2+ treys and 6+ dimes from last season also coming with a ludicrous 91%FT (on 5 attempts). His game log will attest that he barely has a night off and will sporadically explode.

2008-09: 77 games played | 17.9 points | 3.0 rebounds | 6.4 asssists | 42.0% field-goal | 91.3% free-throw | 2.1 threes | 1.2 steals | 0.2 blocks | 2.3 turnovers

18. Mark Cuban Missile Crisis: Steve Nash | Phoenix Suns

The conventional wisdom of PGs and bigs seems to be prevailing in this draft, so I’m going to go with the unfavoured Nash. He’s one of the best conditioned athletes and, as much as we expect it every year, never seems to slow down. I’m also partial to pairing him with old sparring partner, Dirk Nowitzki, so I can use [this photo] as my team’s profile picture.

2008-09: 74 games played | 15.7 points | 3.0 rebounds | 9.7 assists | 50.3% field-goal | 93.3% free-throw | 1.5 threes | 0.7 steals | 0.1 blocks | 3.4 turnovers

19. Facilitatin’ With Mr. Wallace: Josh Smith | Atlanta Hawks

Granger nearly does it all; blocks, steals, nails threes, boards, scores in bunches, but doesn’t dime. So while it may seem odd to pair him with Smith — another stat dilettante who wouldn’t pass the ball with a gun to his head — I’m viewing it as securing two of the most versatile, across-the-board players in the game.

Smith was a busted potato for much of last year, but his work in 07-08 (17 and 8, with 2.8 blocks and 1.5 steals) shows just how dangerous he can be. His poor free-throw work is made up for by Granger’s stunning 89% clip.

2008-09: 69 games played | 15.6 points | 7.2 rebounds | 2.5 assists | 49.2% field-goal | 58.8% free-throw | 0.4 threes | 1.4 steals | 1.6 blocks | 2.3 turnovers

20. That’s My Power Forward! That’s My Teammate!: Jose Calderon | Toronto Raptors

So we’ve taken an all-cat stud in Kobe and it would be tempting to go with a big here, but Calderon’s near-flawless spread is too tempting. Out-of-this world %’s from a guard (50%+ from the field and a ludicrous 98% from the line) should continue, while his 9 dimes and 1+ triple/steal from last season will likely drop off with the versatile Turkoglu in the line-up, but not too greatly. Plus, with barely 2 TO’s a game, he’s error-lite as an elite guard.

2008-09: 68 games played | 12.8 points | 2.9 rebounds | 8.9 assists | 49.7% field-goal | 98.1% free-throw | 1.2 threes | 1.1 steals | 0.1 blocks | 2.1 turnovers

Well, no longer, as the Count counts down an epic mock draft, with a round a day for the next twelve days. Today? Adhering to logic, it’s round one!

The Sport Count offices hard at work. We fired the idiots who turned up in baseball jerseys.

First, let’s introduce the teams: Kahn’t Buyout Love, Danny Aingent 007, Drinking Derrick Rosé, The Memphis SATs, That’s My Power Forward! That’s My Teammate!, Facilitatin’ With Mr. Wallace, Mark Cuban Missile Crisis, On Grounds Of Vinsanity, Andrew Bynom Nom Noms, The Buss Family All-Star Band, John Hollinger’s W.A.S.S.U.P System, and The Funston Freaks.

Fantasy notes: we’re working with a 12-team, head-to-head league, playing with standard categories.

1. Kahn’t Buyout Love: Chris Paul | New Orleans Hornets

Try as I might, I can’t go past Paul at the first overall; his ability to lock down two cats — and hard to get ones at that — is just too tantalising to pass on.

2008-09: 78 games played | 22.8 points | 5.5 rebounds | 11.0 assists | 50.3% field | 86.8% free-throw | 0.8 threes | 2.8 steals | 0.1 blocks | 3.0 turnovers

2. Danny Aingent 007:  LeBron James | Cleveland Cavaliers

While there is a legitimate concern that the depth and quality of Cleveland’s squad might see LBJ benched in blow-outs, effecting his overall minutes, his across-the-board stud numbers can form the basis of any type of team.

2008-09: 81 games played | 28.4 points | 7.6 rebounds | 7.2 assists | 48.9% field-goal | 78.0% free-throw | 1.6 threes | 1.7 steals | 1.2 blocks | 3.0 turnovers

3. Drinking Derrick Rosé: Kevin Durant | Oklahoma City Thunder

It’s between Durantula and Wade here, and I’m going with upside. Dwyane is a proven performer across multiple categories (the addition of the three-ball to his arsenal really boosted his already top-notch value last year), but he’s also a proven injury risk.

Durant boasts beautiful percentages and versatile defensive numbers. Significantly, I can only see his rebounding and assists increasing as he’s surrounded by improved players this season.

2008-09: 74 games played | 25.3 points | 6.5 rebounds | 3.0 assists | 47.6% field-goal | 86.3% free-throw | 1.3 threes | 1.3 steals | 0.7 blocks | 3.0 turnovers

4. The Memphis SATs: Dwayne Wade | Miami Heat

Wade at the 4 is almost a no-brainer based on last year’s numbers, and you’ll be lucky to see him go this low.

Whilst I don’t like his propensity towards injury, you’re potentially getting first overall numbers.

2008-09: 81 games played | 30.2 points | 5.0 rebounds | 7.5 assists | 49.1% field-goal | 76.5% free-throw | 1.1 threes | 2.2 steals | 1.3 blocks | 3.4 turnovers

5. That’s My Power Forward! That’s My Teammate!: Kobe Bryant | Los Angeles Lakers

There’s an argument for taking other players at this pick, but with the addition of Artest to spread the floor in LA, Kobe should have an even better shot selection, and will be able to conserve energy for his offensive game with Ron Ron presumably taking the opposition’s best 2- and 3-men on the defensive end. Also, it’s Kobe — he doesn’t take a day off.

2008-09: 82 games played | 26.8 points | 5.2 rebounds | 4.9 assists | 46.7% field-goal | 85.6% free-throw | 1.4 threes | 1.5 steals | 0.5 blocks | 2.6 turnovers

6. Facilitatin’ With Mr. Wallace: Danny Granger | Indiana Pacers

A tough call, as fantasy geeks will demand you take the rock solid Nowitzki, despite the fact he’s aging, and likely to deliver less than last year now he’s on a team with serious scoring depth.

So, the pick is young Danny, a lock to continue scoring 25+ on a weak team missing Mike Dunleavy. The fact Keys To The Grange showed brief flashes of an assist ability last year — alongside his usual defensive stats and long range bombing abilities — makes this pick feel good, despite his potentially worrisome knee injury.

2008-09: 67 games played | 25.8 points | 5.1 rebounds | 2.7 assists | 44.7% field-goal | 87.8% free-throw | 2.7 threes | 1.0 steals | 1.5 bocks | 2.5 turnovers

7. The Mark Cuban Missile Crisis: Dirk Nowitzki | Dallas Mavericks

Dirk is the safe pick here. They guy has never played fewer than 76 regular season games, which is the stability you want with a first rounder. You have to be happy with him at #7, although the possibility of his off-court issues effecting his output is a vague concern.

2008-09: 81 games played | 25.9 points | 8.4 rebounds | 2.4 assists | 47.9% field-goal | 89% free-throw | 0.8 threes | 0.8 steals | 0.8 blocks | 1.9 turnovers

8. On Grounds Of Vinsanity: Pau Gasol | Los Angeles Lakers

I considered Al-Jeff or STAT here, but I’m wary of the injuries, and Bosh’s softness means limited D stats. Pau is a 19/9 guy, who shoots at 56% and averages 3.5 dimes — incredible from a C-eligible player. If he can get his blocks back up around 2, he’s looking at Best Big numbers. Unless Bynum is healthy — and has seriously addressed his foul troubles — Pau’s minutes are a lock.

2008-09: 81 games played | 18.9 points | 9.6 rebounds | 3.5 assists | 56.7% field-goal | 78.1% free-throw | 0.0 threes | 0.6 steals | 1.0 blocks | 1.9 turnovers

9. Andrew Bynom Nom Noms: Al Jefferson | Minnesota Timberwolves

It’s always risky taking a big man coming off a season-ending injury. Just ask anyone who drafted Elton Brand in the first round last year. They’ll be the ones crying in a corner, bunched up in the foetal position.

But in the case of Jefferson, the risk is worth it. Assuming he’s healthy, you’re locking in a double-double monster on a weak team. All offensive roads run through Al in the twin cities. He gives you near-Dwight numbers without the wrecking ball effect Howard has on your charity stripe percentage.

2008-09: 50 games played | 23.1 points | 11.0 rebounds | 1.6 assists | 49.7% field-goal | 73.8% free-throw |  0.0 threes | 0.8 steals | 1.7 blocks | 1.8 turnovers

10. The Buss Family All-Star Band: Deron Williams | Utah Jazz

Owners might be soured on Williams’ injury plagued beginning of the season last year, but his end of season numbers were nothing short of top ten value.

I see Williams as the 2nd best PG in the league (not including Wade’s eligibility in some leagues) and I have no reservations about taking him here. He has the keys to the franchise, and with Boozer almost certainly on the way out, don’t expect Williams to defer too much to his partner in the paint.

2008-09: 68 games played | 19.4 points | 2.9 rebounds | 10.7 assists | 47.1% field-goal | 84.9% free-throw | 1.0 threes | 1.1 steals | 0.3 blocks | 3.4 turnovers

11. John Hollinger’s W.A.S.S.U.P System: Brandon Roy | Portland Trail Blazers

Roy has improved every season and contributes across the board. He wears himself out and can miss games in the back-end of a season, but he should be a lock for 25-5-5 with at least a triple and a steal, on very solid percentages (48%FG, 5/6FTA). As the backbone of this young Portland squad, his minutes shouldn’t dip below the 37mpg he averaged last season.

2008-09: 78 games played | 22.6 points | 4.7 rebounds | 5.1 assists | 48.0% field-goal | 82.4% free-throw | 1.1 threes | 1.1 steals | 0.3 blocks | 2.0 turnovers

12. The Funston Freaks: Dwight Howard | Orlando Magic

Here it is. The choice that decides the entire draft strategy from here on. Yes, fantasy geeks will claim this is a reach — who knows when the other managers would pull the trigger on Howard? — but the man is a genuine statistical monster. In roto, Howard’s charity shooting will kill you, and his turnovers will kick the corpse. But in H2H, picking up top-5 fantasy value with the last pick of the 1st round is a huge steal.

20 blocks, 14 boards, 3 blocks, and a stupendous FG% (57.2% on 12.4 shots last season)? Yep, I’ll live with the bad free-throw shooting. And I’ll relish the chance to punt the category, freeing me up to draft high on other free-throw liabilities, like Rajon Rondo.

2008-09: 79 games played | 20.6 points | 13.8 rebounds | 1.4 assists | 57.2% field-goal | 59.4% free-throw | 0.0 threes | 1.0 steals | 2.9 blocks | 3.0 turnovers

Round 2 is up.

Posted By: Anton, James & Alex

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Because of the superstar (right) the rarely-used veteran (left) gets stacks of cash (middle)

Last season, Cleveland Cavaliers back-up centre Lorenzen Wright was paid $1,262,275. It’s fair to say he didn’t earn that money.

He played in just seventeen games, at a pay rate of $74,251.47 per appearance. Only once did he play more than 25 minutes: in the last game of the season, a loss to Philadelphia in which coach Mike Brown gave the Cleveland starters a  pre-playoff rest.

Lorenzen Wright is a classic bench warmer, a semi-serviceable veteran with a pulse, and the ability to play a few minutes if  a) the Cavaliers are up by 30 with three minutes to go or b) the four big men ahead of him die just before the game.

So, when Wright contributes so little — beyond a beating heart — why is he paid so well? Why is such an easily replaceable player compensated so handsomely?

The faces of the NBA keep veteran salaries high.

The answer is simple, but it involves a lot of big names: Kobe Bryant. LeBron James. Dwyane Wade. Yao Ming. Dwight Howard. The genuine superstars of the league. The international juggernauts of the game. The names that sell bulk jerseys, draw in television viewers, and populate the wet dreams of the NBA’s marketing department.

They’re the reason the yeoman class of the league can command such rich pay cheques.

Basketball is — more than baseball, football, or hockey — a game of implied personality. The  inner character of a player is construed, whether accurately or not, through tight camera shots; their reactions, celebrations, and frustrations unobscured by a helmet or baseball cap.

Humans like seeing faces, reading emotions, making judgements based on expressions. We want to believe that we understand how an athlete feels. We want to read their minds, and that’s tough to do through a chunky football helmet. When Kobe switches gear in the fourth quarter, ESPN zooms into his hyperfocused, animalistic countenance (Kobe is an intense guy, the viewer assumes). When Wade nails a long-range bomb, we see him smile (he’s a good-natured guy!) and look to the heavens (he’s a Christian!). When Kevin Garnett gets frustrated, we see his face contort, filled with impassioned agony.

Because of how close we are to the action — how able we are to feel an intimate understanding of the psyche of NBA superstars — basketball is the most star-dependent of the four major American leagues, a sport where fans love the players more than they love the game. As a result, the Players Association is the most powerful union of professional athletes. Without the stars, the league would have nothing. Jerseys wouldn’t sell, seats would be left empty, and the cultural cache of the Association would dissipate instantly.

That leverage ensures players are given guaranteed contracts, unlike the NFL, where the sheer bulk of players on a squad renders most individuals easily replaceable. It also leads to heavily inflated minimum wage levels. These fully guaranteed, fully fat pay cheques ensure that the back end of NBA benches are weak, and boring.

Imagine if completely replaceable veterans weren’t paid so well. If Lorezen Wright wasn’t guaranteed $1.2m,  and instead was paid $10k per bench appearance (a healthy pay rate by anyone’s standards, but a substantial cut to what he made last season) would the Cavaliers keep him all season? If teams weren’t forced to field a minimum of 12 fully-contracted active players, would Lorenzen even get a look in?

If Lorenzen Wright, and the other veterans raking in big cash for doing nothing, was a casual employee — able to be cut and re-signed whenever needed — it could only help the game. D-League players would get more looks. Free agents could be signed for a game or two at a time, based on specific team needs.

If teams weren’t forced to sign someone after two 10-day contracts, the end of the bench would be constantly in play. You’d see teams gambling on upside, calling in energy guys, scouting Europe and Australia and South America during the season. It would do wonders for the D-League, taking it a step closer to its rightful place as a feeder league.

At least, these outcomes are a possibility. The current system — whereby the ridiculous importance of superstars dictates such sublime working conditions for the sub-par players of the league — is flawed. In almost any other industry, one could be impressed by the work of the union in securing the livelihoods of bench warmers, but this isn’t a typical industry — we’re talking about players who do very little making, at the minimum, hundreds of thousands of dollars. We don’t need to worry that they’re going hungry.

So, why not free up the end of the bench? Why not give teams the option of having two casual, but active, roster spots at any time? It would save teams money. It’d give young players a better chance of cracking the NBA.

There are flaws in this proposal, sure. Non-contributing veterans would still be given long-term, high-paying contracts for no good reason by foolhardy GMs. That won’t ever change. And younger players might struggle flitting so often between the NBA and their D-League team or home country.

But it’s an idea. To encourage a dynamism too often lacking in the front offices of the league. To give us younger players with something to prove. To make the D-League matter.

The current system rewards veterans for doing very little. Their roster spots would be better filled with raw youngsters desperate for a full-time gig.

Posted By: Anton

Over the lengthy and well-deserved holiday break, The Sport Count team were yukking it up on a poker tour of the Bahamas with Michael Jordan and Phil Hellmuth. After about 40 hands and an almost equivalent number of Piña Coladas, Phil would inevitably start ribbing Michael about how he was the “male Martha Stewart” – Phil’s logic being that at one point both Michael and Martha had been hyper-popular and the apple of a nation’s eye, but were now just as likely to be ridiculed for their shocking business acumen.

Michael typically responded by ashing his Montecristo in whatever stupid liquer-based cocktail Hellmuth happened to be on, and the conversation would swing to current NBA players, and the women they could be most associated with.

In between rolling on the floor at Michael’s lacklustre pop culture knowledge, and being not-so-quietly disgusted at the crass suggestions Hellmuth would make, The Sport Count team did their best to document the findings of these discussions. So without further ado, and making no apologies for the blatant pun in the title, The Sport Count presents your guide to the The National Babe Association:

Dwyane Wade is Beyoncé Knowles

Much like D-Wade’s efforts to bounce back from injury, and his ability to come up with magic from anywhere on the court, Beyoncé managed to bounce back from releasing that “to the left, to the left” junk with Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It), and manages to look hot from anywhere in the world.

Phil Says: All I heard was junk. We’re talking the trunk, yeah? I want to ride the Knowles train. She’s like the ace you need on the river… you just want it to touch your bits.

Mario Chalmers is Solange Knowles.

Mario is to Dwyane as Solange is to Beyoncé.

Phil Says: Both should be to Phil as I am to chip leader. Heaps. I mean the girls, I’m not gay. I’m Phil Hellmuth.

Kevin Durant is Megan Fox.

Huge things were promised in the form of KD35’s rookie year and Megan Fox’s blockbusting turn in Transformers. Neither blew minds — Durant jacked up a lot of ridiculous long-range bombs, while Fox succeeded only in inspiring the jacking off of some ridiculous pant bombs — but both have redeemed themselves: Durant with a ridiculous sophomore year, and Fox with that GQ shoot.

Phil Says: Pant bombs? If we’re talking pant bombs, call me Pearl Harbour. I’m not talking movie Pearl Harbour either, I’m talking making love with women Pearl Harbour.

Louis Amundson is Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Neither has succeeded through convention: the strikingly attractive Gyllenhaal defies the limited standards of Hollywood beauty, whilst Amundson defies the unfair expectation that a professional basketballer should be able to dribble the ball more than three seconds without it bouncing off your foot.

Both have hustled throughout their career: Gyllenhaal through dubious television dramas like 1999’s Shake, Rattle & Roll: An American Love Story, Amundson through sub-par stints in Utah and Philadelphia, during which he played less than 100 minutes over the course of three season.

Both share the same hairdresser.

Phil Says: Maggie makes me wish I was still a baby with a sexy mom. I’d suckle all day long, and then she’d change my dirty pants. And I wouldn’t pay her a goddamned dime! Poker isn’t a job? Argue with the money inside me, mom!

Shaquille O'Neal is Helen Mirren.

They’re veterans. True legends of their craft. Shaquille has been toiling in the NBA since 1992, whilst Dame Helen had her breakout role as Hermia in 1967’s production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Both have been written off, forgotten, and overlooked; the Big Diesel due to his age, and often questionable level of physical fitness, Mirren because the film industry refuses to accept a woman above 50 can still draw in the crowds.

They’ve proven the doubters wrong. Shaquille has been dominating the paint in Phoenix this year (to the tune of 17.7 points and 8.9 boards), whilst the beautiful and talented Helen took home a Golden Globe and an Oscar for her turn in 2006’s The Queen. And looked preposterously hot in a bikini at the age of 63.

Phil Says: The only queen I care about is the one that wins me my next tournament. Or the one that loves to ride the whip. Think about it.

Kobe Bryant is Angelina Jolie.

Some stars are so ubiquitous, and so good, that you almost forget about them.

Kobe has been carrying the torch of The Best ever since it was passed to him by Michael Jordan, enjoying threepeat success in the early 00’s, but following that with some recent seasons mired on a mediocre Lakers team. Angelina exploded onto the scene, earning the title of Sexiest Woman In The World, but then started adopting children and seemed to fade.

Then Kobe claims the MVP, and Angelina does Wanted, and it makes you go “Oh yeaaah. That’s why they’re on top.”

Phil Says: I’ve always been on top, as my WSP bracelet will attest, and I’d always be on top of Angie — hell, if I found myself in a dark room with Kobe, I wouldn’t mind being a ‘top’ there either. Hahahahahaha!

Greg Oden is Denise Richards.

Promising youthful careers that were hampered by one bad move: in Oden’s case, the injury that led to heavy microfracture surgery; in Richards’ case, getting knocked up by a hooker-addicted Sheen. Now they both just look ancient.

Phil Says: I remember blowing rails off a girl’s chest who looked like Denise Richards after winding up chip leader one night in the ‘96 series. But I would never do coke off Greg Oden.

J.J. Redick is Pink.

How many time have we heard Pink declare that she will be herself, and doesn’t care what you think? How many times have we heard that JJ Redick is the greatest shooter the league has seen in modern history, but doesn’t get the minutes? How much whinging can we put up with?

Constant cries for more attention and more chances haven’t made up for the fact this pair have precisely none of the talent they need to back up their demands.

Phil Says: I’ve always wanted to introduce Pink to my Red-dick. Hahahahaha! But seriously, who the fuck is J.J. Redick? He looks like he should be selling cereal.

Posted By: Alex, Anton & world poker champion Phil Hellmuth.

Miami's South Beach: citizens are currently considering a motion by Dwyane Wade to rename the beach 'Dwyane Wade.'

Miami Heat: With Shaq out of town, crime in Miami skyrockets, and the beleagured police force call on the heightened talents of their city’s basketball team to help out: Wade is able to run down and catch any thief on foot and most any thief in cars; Beasley talks such epic trash that even hardened criminals break down in tears; and Chris Quinn spends his off-court time mixing potions that either restore the flagging energy of Miami’s police force or add +1 to Marion’s mana.

Erik Spoelstra has marginal success in his first season as coach, taking Miami to 25 wins, largely due to the answers he gets to his coaching inquiries on Yahoo! fantasy forums. His off-court time is spent blazing up with Mario Chalmers and referring to Pat Riley as “Old Father Time.”

Charlotte Bobcats: What will Larry Brown bring to the franchise this year? It’s well known that Charlotte are probably one mid-level player away from genuine play-off contention, when things are going right. If J-Rich, Gerald Wallace, Okafor and Felton can contribute for a full season, Charlotte could pull off some surprising upsets and finish the regular season with a shot at the 8th spot.

This, however, ignores the very real possibility that Felton cracks it over the decision to draft yet another point guard who will challenge for his spot, and demands a trade, thus disrupting team chemistry — which will see Adam Morrison out for three weeks with an injured tear duct.

There are at least two further major concerns: is Gerald Wallace’s brain still functioning, and will another knock render him disabled; and what will be the atrocious decision Michael Jordan makes this year?

Atlanta Hawks: The big question on everyone’s mind will be the effect Josh Childress’ absence will have on Atlanta’s depth and presence off the bench. While this will be an unknown quantity until the season starts, The Sport Count has the answer to the second biggest question on everyone’s mind: yes, there is now a huge excess of weed in Atlanta as a result of Childress’ move.

J-Smoove’s off-season signing to $58M should placate him enough to continue being ridiculous on the defensive end, and Joe Johnson should return to his marksmanship ways. With Al Horford only getting better, look for this team to still be in contention in the second round of the playoffs. Don’t look for Mike Bibby though, who will by that time have sprained both wrists, broken his neck, accidentally gnawed one of his legs off, and covered his head in so many bad tattoos he is no longer recognisable.

Washington Wizards: This is just frustrating. If Washington had their All-Star trio of Arenas, Jamison and Butler all healthy, they’d probably one of the most exciting teams to watch in the East. As it is, Antawn hurt himself before the season, Gilbert is unsurprisingly out due to his terrible rehab routine, Caron is almost as fragile as T-Mac, and starting Center Brendan Haywood is potentially out for the season. Talk about starting on the back foot. If the Wiz can overcome these injury concerns and post a reasonable record, it will be one of the great achievements of the season.

The one horrible inevitability is that injuries will mean Nick Young gets more court-time, which will result in him jacking up so many ill-advised shots that it’ll make Larry Hughes look like Ray Allen.

Orlando Magic: Is there any chance they won’t top the division? Dwight is continuing to put up the kind of numbers that destroy small towns, Turkoglu is coming off a career season that all the pundits think will be repeated, Rashard Lewis is playing well enough that you forget he gets paid as much as Kobe and 50% more than LeBron, and Jeff Van Gundy has been signed to ESPN to now Stan can stop worrying what his lovable-but-mentally-deficient brother is doing and actually concentrate on the game. All signs point to the Magic being a dominant force in the Eastern Conference.

The highlight will be when Dwight offers to correct the geological problem Oden caused on the west coast by starting his run-up in Philly and dunking the Chrysler building.

Posted by: Alex

China is about to go back to their persecuting and age falsifying ways without the glare of the world’s media scrutinising them, and The Sport Count is a little sad that there are no more medals or prizes to award for these games.

Trying to fill this void as best as we can, The Count has decided to bestow some laurel wreaths of our own on the athletes of these games past. Who will take out our top prize? The picture of the smiling man below might be a slight indicator.

Most Valuable Player

Winner: Dwyane Wade | Team USA

For me, the best player should get the MVP; the person who played best, regardless of the impact on their team’s standing (hence, I would’ve voted KB24 MVP for the last 3 seasons, but they didn’t ask me). And the best player in Beijing was Dwyane Wade.

D-Wade came into the games with a whole bunch of baggage, and insisted on  being awesome. In a team focused on LeBron, Kobe, and a bit of Carmelo (yeah, we get it, he’s a prototypical international four, STFU), D-Wade was an absolute animal, showing us on fast break after fast break and front-up after front-up that he’s back, and ready to wreck in Miami (and fantasy basketball) next year.

Runner Up: Pau Gasol | Spain

I really don’t like Pau, but he was the beating heart of this Spanish team, showing why he’s regarded as a Don of the FIBA game. I’m very very glad he lost, and I hope Sun Yue puts some poison in his Orangina, or similarly freaky Euro-drink in training camp, but he certainly put up some great performances.

Most Likely Future Draft Pick

Winner: Ricky Rubio | Spain

Next Summer, Ricky will still be ineligible for the draft, which will leave him plenty of time to join best pal Frodo Baggins in a quest or two. After  that, it’s a deadset lock that this little fella will be plying his trade in the hardwood of some lucky lottery team.

Getting a start in the Olympic Finals, and dropping some nifty no-lookers in the  process, little Ricky is sure to be an NBA rotation player for at least a couple  of years to come (but that jersey name has to go).

Runner Up: Patrick Mills | Australia

In short, The Count’s favourite point guard. The future of Australian ball is in good shape, with Mills certain to join Australian bigs Andrew Bogut and Nathan Jawai in the NBA in the very near future. If he can work on his jumpshot and develop a CP3-esque runner, Mills is going to be bonkers — you heard it here first (seriously, you did).

Biggest Idiot

Winner: The Entire Spanish Team | Land of Racism

Read here. These guys are arseholes. For the first and only time, I’ll use Jason Kidd’s words (via Yahoo) to articulate a point:

‘We would’ve been already thrown out of the Olympics [...] At least, we wouldn’t have been able to come back to the U.S. There would be suspensions.’

Damn straight there would’ve been suspensions, and so there should’ve been. This was shocking behaviour from rich, grown men who should know that their cultural mimickery might have implications outside of their perceived meaning in Spain.

Runner Up: Chris Kaman | Germany (?)

From a legitimate disgrace, to a light hearted one: when your own father thinks you’re an idiot, it’s time to take a look in the mirror. Kaman can now look forward to a summer spent being called a traitor by his family, and trying to win back the love of his coalminer father.

Biggest What-ifs?

Winner: Andrew Bogut | The Boomers

Bogut’s ankle injury was the turning point of the games. (Keep in mind we’re Australian, and watching a fair amount of post-Olympic highlights packages, so we’re feeling v. patriotic). If Bogut doesn’t hobble off in the first quarter of the quarter finals against the Redeemers, I guarantee that Australia would’ve won the Gold.

I flat out guarantee it. (As we speak, I’m bidding on an Upper Deck Bogut auto and riding a Kangaroo).

Runner Up: Manu Ginobli

When Manu hobbled off in the semis against the USA, Argentina were toast. With Manu on the floor, as much a talisman as anything else, you never know how many treys and eye gouges the Argentinians would’ve thrown at the Americans, which might’ve resulted in a positive result for the Argies, and this will remain a hot topic in the post tournament wrap ups to come.

Posted by: James

Zombie Wilt Chamberlain Leads USA Nightmare Team To Victory.

Credit to The Onion for that fantastic image. (And if, like me, you’d forgotten how funny The Onion is, you should probably read ‘Tim Duncan Staring At Wall Right Now‘).

Over at Odenized, watch Kobe Bryant deck notorious racist (and Laker teammate) Pau Gasol, only to leave him lying on the floor like a wounded caveman. I tell you, if someone released a bootleg DVD packed with footage of the Spanish team getting dunked on, pushed to the floor and, hopefully, viciously insulted, I’d pay good money for it. Really good money. Jason Feng, are you listening?

You’ve no doubt heard Shaquille O’Neal and his comically smaller wife are back together. Good news for them, sure, but terrible for those holding out hope that O’Neal’s new found status as a single man would lead to him challenging the late Wilt’s title as ‘The World’s Greatest Pantsman.’ (Sorry, all you Errol Flynn heads ain’t got nothin’ on The Stilt).

The always enjoyable Britt Robson lays some love on the Redeem Team, including a good three paragraphs justifiably lauding the incredible play of Dwyane Wade. There are a lot of fine words there, but I must admit all I really read was ‘you should definitely pick Wade in the first round of your fantasy draft. He’s totally got first round value.’ No, Robson didn’t exactly say that — indeed, he doesn’t exactly mention fantasy basketball at all — but I’m great at reading between the lines.

Marty Burns at Sports Illustrated previews the West and the East: let’s briefly ignore just how silly and premature these rankings are, and focus on the fact that the usually excellent Burns seems to phoning it in lately.

I mean, sure, the Western Conference is loaded with tough teams, but are the Clippers really that unlikely to make the playoffs? If you put Baron Davis, Marcus Camby, and Chris ‘The German’ Kaman on a team together, you’re going to get some reasonable results, right? Unless, of course, Ricky Davis starts biting journalists during post-game locker room interviews, and demanding his teammates stay up until four each morning playing games of War.

And seriously, the Pacers are the 8th best team in the East? You reckon? Sure, they did reasonably well last year despite Jermaine O’Neal breaking both legs, spraining his jaw, and contracting syphilis, but ranking them above the presumably improved Heat and Bulls seems ludicrous.

PS Stephon Marbury says he’s still keen on heading to Italy. In other news, the residents of New York support this plan.

PPS It’s dark, but apparently this is Chuck Barkley smashing through a bottle of Patron. To paraphrase Jigga Man: ’shots of Patron / now he in the zone / I ain’t talkin’ ’bout the 2-3 / Barkley in the zone’.

Posted By: Anton

LeBron James: A very good basketball player.

We’ve learned something tonight: if you’re going to run a 2-3 zone against Team USA — and unless you’re nuts, you will — it really helps to have 7-footers blocking the paint. As great basketball thinker Daniel Plainview once said, ‘if you have a key, and you need to defend driving isolation plays from LeBron, Carmelo, Wade and Paul, then you need to block the paint with a 2-3 zone… block it up!‘ (Do FIBA rules not include ‘three in the key’? Or is Yao Ming given special dispensation due to being the size of three normal humans?).

Another thing: It helps to have the largest population in the world pumping you up constantly. It gives you confidence, and the inexplicable, if temporary, ability to exceed your usual range. ‘Yao Ming opens the scoring by hitting a three’? Seriously? Yes, a young Brent Barry could probably dunk from the international trey line, but that doesn’t mean your 7′6″ centre should be capable of raining bombs from outside. How do you defend that?

In fact — and yes, I know you know this — when Yao Ming has working limbs, how do you stop him? Is it possible? The footwork and the height combined with the surprisingly nice variety of shots… well, that’s tough to defend. Kwame Brown has nightmares about this, even when he’s awake.

Usually you’d blame Team USA for relying on their (often awkward) outside shots instead of driving the ball. Lord knows they’re constantly happy to rest on their jumpshot laurels, presumably figuring a 40% strike rate will be enough to wreck the opposition. But, as aforementioned, there was nowhere for the Americans to go tonight, at least in the opening 12 minutes. Turns out ‘The Great Wall Of China’ isn’t a nickname — it’s a gameplan. By filling the paint with such tall, surprisingly strong big men, China pulled the basketball equivalent of sending the world’s fattest man in to guard the ice hockey net.

We’re at the second quarter, and it’s still completely inexplicable and unexplainable why Jason Kidd is on the team, let alone burning up game time. The basketball IQ is still there, sure — besides, Chris Paul may score higher on that test anyway — but the speed isn’t. Nor the confidence. Nor the ability. Barring Kidd dropping an Oscar Robertson effort in the second half, he needs to ride the bench for the rest of his time in Beijing.

Hey, did you hear eight billion people watched the game? That’s the actual figure. Eight billion. I know, that’s a lot, but it was literally the biggest, most anticipated sporting event in written history, so it kind of makes sense. Eight billion televisions.

End of the half, and it’s clear Team USA’s Olympic and pre-Olympic campaign has followed much the same pattern in every game; the other team comes out fearless, strong, and fast. They run a full court press in the opening minute, then tight halfcourt traps and, of course, some zone. The defense works.

The Americans, looking totally disjointed, rely too heavily on their jumpshots, and we hear the commentator say ‘even though each member dedicated three years to the team — and you have to commend Team USA for that — you have to remember these international teams often grow up together, living together, eating together, often genetically related, often dispensed from the very same womb… so they tend to have good chemistry.’

The other team looks to the scoreboard early in the second quarter, and it’s a tie. ‘A tie against the Americans?’ They feel confident. Then they look to the US bench, and they see Carlos Boozer there, alongside Deron Williams, and Michael Redd. And the other team starts getting tired from all the full court press they’ve been playing, and they share the vague, terrible feeling that ‘the worst player on the American team is better than the best player on our team. Jesus.’

They look up minutes later, and they’re down by 20. Kobe Bryant has hit two three-pointers in a row, and LeBron James is playing fullcourt defense so tenacious that you’re seriously, consistently worried about the 8-second halfcourt rule.

The Australian coverage cuts to a special on Stephanie Rice. Sport Count editor Alex Vitlin claims she’s ‘the world’s hottest gold medalist ever.’ I agree with him, and Google Image Search does too.

Steph Rice, Right: If President, would be Baberaham Lincoln.

The coverage cuts to a boxing match. Unfortunately, an Australian  is participating, meaning Seven — the dumb bastards showing the Olympics down under — will probably cross back to the Team USA game somewhere around the middle of the fourth quarter.

Thank goodness, the Australian is getting beaten like a dog. Seven loves Australian content, but if it wounds our collective dignity too severely, they’ll mercifully cut away.

And, yes, we’re back — I love, Seven! — and Carmelo Anthony looks fired up, and ready to push the accelerator down a little. We must be about due for ‘Carmelo Anthony is the classic European power forward’ — huh, when did Team USA start aspiring to play like the Europeans?

Two predictable things happen: First, Yao Ming injures his ankle (Rocket fans, your championship odds just went long. Like, 13-1 to 50-1). Second, Wade throws down yet another ridiculous dunk, and thousands, maybe millions, think ’seriously, should I draft him the first round or not? Should I? What do I do?!’

Apparently Yao isn’t too injured, and he’s proving it by hitting the court again, so betting freaks will have to wait until Artest is suspended for those odds to lengthen. In score news, Team USA is up by 50 or something, and China has unfortunately forgotten the magic of the 2-3 zone, and how to play transition defense. And how to play basketball.

Twice in thirty seconds, Dwight Howard is blocked (the first time by Yao Ming, right before he left the floor to an extremely large ovation). I wonder ‘if I was jumping from a 2-foot high platform, with a run-up, could I dunk on Dwight Howard, or would he block me easily?’ Dwight Howard has biceps as big as my head, but I figure I could stuff it over him. But then The Manchild stuffs home the ball, and the ring aches under the strain, and I think ‘maybe I’m overconfident on this.’

Tayshaun Prince was congratulated by Andrew Gaze earlier for ‘high-fiving everyone despite not playing a single minute.’ I guess if you’re not going to provide the interior defensive presence Tyson Chandler should’ve been offering the team, it’s nice to help morale out by high-fiving.

Gaze spends a good minute heaping praise on Yao for ‘leading the charge’, as Yao walks up and down the sidelines pumping his fist and yelling, spurring his teammates on despite the unfortunate scoreline, and the lonely two minutes left on the clock. I agree with Gaze on that; if Yao Ming cheered on the Sacramento Kings like that, they’d win a championship this year. Or at least 20 games.

Final score: 101-70. I guess that’s why Centrebet had Team USA at 1.002-1 to win. The punters who dropped a million on the Redeem Team will really enjoy that $2000.

Posted By: Anton

]]> http://thesportcount.com/2008/08/11/notes-from-the-game-china-vs-team-usa/feed/ 0 Anton Trees A great basketball player. If President, would be Baberaham Lincoln. http://thesportcount.com/2008/08/02/wade-is-back/ http://thesportcount.com/2008/08/02/wade-is-back/#comments Sat, 02 Aug 2008 03:24:08 +0000 Anton Trees http://thesportcount.wordpress.com/?p=423 ]]> In the immortal words of NBA Jam-era Marv Albert: ‘Boomshakalaka!’

That’s got to feel good, Heat fans. When your franchise guy — who has recently been plagued by substantial injuries — can successfully pull off a windmill alley-oop (seriously, a windmill alley-oop), that’s a good sign for the future. I think we can say Dwyane is healthy.

Indeed, that dunk alone has probably vaulted Dwyane straight back into the first round of your upcoming fantasy draft.

Posted By: Anton