Being an NBA GM is tough. Unlike the rest of us, who have studied at university or (at least) high school to achieve the requisite qualifications for our job, NBA GMs inevitably come from backgrounds as former sharp-shooters, low-post threats or dotcom billionaires. It must be tough to be so ill-qualified to run a basketball team/business — which is why the Count has provided the Cliff notes for the 2009-2010 off-season:
Sometimes flowcharts speak louder than words (click to enlarge).
Quite frankly, we at The Sport Count have been waiting for the offseason for some time.
After the Cavs got booted and we grinded toward the inevitability of the Lakers overmatching an under-performing and overwhelmed Orlando, my fingers were itching for trades, draft chatter, and General Manager fuck-ups galore.
The issue was… it didn’t begin. With one of the most baffling and boring draft classes of all time (with genuine confusion from journalists, fans and the all-important blogosphere as to where key players would end up), and GMs seemingly reluctant to make the trades we’ve been begging for since the deadline, I was beginning to think that this offseason would be as boring as the Buss family’s victory speech after Game 5.
Going to the Spurs, it's like going to the dark side.
Then… it all transformed. All of sudden, I awaken to news of Richard Jefferson being traded to the Spurs for Bruce Bowen and some other unlikeables who’ll likely be back with the Spurs by November. Andrew Bogut grudgingly accepts it:
Sad to see RJ go. He was a fun guy to be around and could play. We are building for the future, slow and steady. Patience grasshopper.
But for the rest of us, the glow of the third season has finally begun. Even if it restores the Spurs as championship contenders and makes us all hate the world a little bit more, finally, there’s something to read about.
Almost as soon as this happenned, the ridiculous trade between the Celtics and the Pistons, involving Rondo, Ray Allen, Stuckey, Prince and Hamilton, began to come to light. All of a sudden, Rondo is being proactively shopped and we’re starting to think that a major trade will be made prior to the next season.
Then we start to get some meaningful talk of the Knicks trading up (via sending Larry Hughes back to Washington and turning #5 and #8 into #2) in order to get little Ricky Rubio — all of a sudden making draft day moves and rookies swapping hats is a tangible possibility.
All of a sudden, the excitement has hit us again: ESPN has more than one item on the NBA per day; True Hoop is talking; Twitter is alight and the NBA’s third season has well and truly got us hooked, hoping and praying that it tides us over until October.
Today is Australia Day, the 26th of January. A day in which very white people roast in the sun, sinking cold cans of beer, screaming weird obscenities in the sizzling summer heat. A day in which public drunkenness is not just accepted, but encouraged. And, of course, a day in which we celebrate basketball in Australia. And by ‘we,’ I mean Australia’s two leading NBA sites — that’s the boldest claim you’ll read today! — The Sport Count and NBA Mate.
A quick time line of basketball in Australia, just to get you prepped:
1788 – 1992: No one knew or cared about basketball.
1992 – 1998: As Michael Jordan became an international sensation, Australia began to pay attention. Basketball exploded. It was celebrated and cherished: NBA Action was a weekly fixture on Channel Ten; every school erected a hoop; kids traded Fleers for Upper Decks; Alonzo Mourning, Penny Hardaway and Shaquille O’Neal were household names. Every kid dreamed of playing in the NBL, our flourishing national league.
1998 – Current: The greatest game on earth is a niche sport, followed by dedicated few, loved by a minimal faithful. The NBL is in dire straits, wrecked by poor administration, flagging attendance, and an alarming economic climate.
With basketball struggling in our nation, two sites come together to celebrate the Top 10 Australian Ballers: those great humans who’ve shaped the roundball game down under; those exceptional athletes who’ve done their best to draw attention away from the grotesque tedium of cricket, and the big hits of rugby league. Let’s go:
1. Andrew Bogut: Before Andrew Bogut came on the scene there were essentially two types of Aussies that made it to the NBA: 1) Really tall guys (Luc Longley, Mark Bradtke, Chris Anstey) who were good at being tall and 2) Great outside shooters (Shane Heal, Andrew Gaze) who were good at shooting threes. Read more about Andrew Bogut at NBA Mate.
A real basketball legend. Also pictured: Michael Jordan.
2. Luc Longley: 7′2″, 292lbs.
NBA Averages: 7.2 points, 4.9 rebounds, 1.0 block (1991-’92 to 2001-’01).
NBL Averages: 1.0 point, 1.5 rebounds, 0.5 assists (in two games with the Perth Wildcats, 1986).
After an impressive college career at New Mexico (he averaged 19.1 points, 9.2 rebounds and 3.6 assists in his senior year), Longley was taken by the Timberwolves with the 7th pick in the 1991 draft (ahead of All-Stars Terrell Brandon, Dale Davis and Chris Gatling. Yes, we’re surprised Chris Gatling made an All-Star squad too).
As David Stern read the Timberwolves’ pick, Australia went wild: confetti filled the streets of Melbourne and Sydney; fireworks hailed down from the Harbour Bridge; a national holiday was instituted on the date of the draft; basketball-caressing children danced; ball-loving women wept openly in the streets.
That may be a little hyperbolic. But it was an incredible day for Australian basketball.
And — in a divine synchronicity — Longley’s ridiculously successful career with the Bulls coincided with the semi-inexplicable Australian basketball boom of the mid-90s (to give an indication, literally every child in primary school at the time collected basketball cards, even if they’d never seen a game), offering Australian hoop heads the chance to follow one of their countrymen on a championship team.
Signature Move: Winning rings. Sure, Luc possessed a couple of surprisingly silky low-post moves, and he hit the boards with the effort required to consistently tease playing time from a taskmaster like Phil Jackson… but his real skill? Bringing ‘championship heart’ to the otherwise lazy and uninspired Bulls, firing his cohorts up to the tune of three consecutive Chicago titles from 1996 to 1998. (Admittedly, the fact Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen were on these teams may have helped the championship efforts. But it was mainly Luc’s championship heart).
What’s He Famous For? Being the first Australian to play in the National Basketball Association. And being the most talented baller ever with the first name ‘Lucien.’
Would He Beat Russell Crowe In A Fight? A famouslyeasy-going fella — he’s described as a ‘free spirit’ on the famously accurate Wikipedia — it’s unlikely. Unless the three championship rings on his right hand somehow act as an effective set of brass knuckles.
3. Andrew Gaze: Andrew Gaze is the greatest basketballer in the history of Australia’s National Basketball League, and will be for all eternity… to put it simply, Andrew Gaze is the Michael Jordan of the NBL. Read more about Andrew Gaze at NBA Mate.
Shane Heal: shoeless on the sideline, and yet still within range.
4. Shane Heal: 6′0″, 180lbs.
NBA Averages: 2.0 points, 0.8 assists, 0.5 threes (1996-’97 with the Timberwolves, 2003-’04 with the Spurs).
A top-flight local performer, the undersized Heal never gained a foothold in the NBA. Picked up by the international scouting gurus of Minnesota in the autumn of 1996, the three-point specialist faced extremely limited minutes. His best Association effort was against the Sonics in November of ‘96, when he came off the bench to drain 5 treys in 13 minutes.
Heals’ lack of stateside success was unfortunate for him, but a real boon for fans of the NBL. The Sport Count team can vividly recall the giddy excitement when we learned Shane would be moving from the Brisbane Bullets to our hometown team, the Sydney Kings, in 1996. He blew the roof off the Sydney Entertainment Centre that year, averaging 23.4 points and 5.5 dimes (and, much to our youthful delight, signing autographs after the match near the merchandise stand).
Signature Move: Draining long-range bombs from ridiculous depths. Heal is one of those rare ballers who can completely disregard the position of the three-point line, jacking up shots from 30-feet out without hesitation. His distinctive release — with the ball cocked far behind his head, like Carlos Boozer shooting from Gilbert Arenas range — was a marvel to watch.
The following clip includes brief footage of his bombing ability… and his distinctive humour, as the Australia media bores the public by getting uppity after Heal hilariously refers to his team as ‘very white’:
What’s He Famous For? It may well be his bust-up with Charles Barkley during a warm-up match at the 1996 Atlanta Olympics. After the Round Mound Of Rebound smacked Heal, the pocket-sized Australian launched himself toward’s Barkley’s enormous chest, screaming at him. After the match, Barkley referred to Shane as ‘a talkative little fellow.’
The feisty Heal also had a minor run-in with Vince Carter at the 2000 Olympics:
From left: Shane Heal, Andrew Gaze, Vince Carter, Luc Longley, Mark Bradtke.
Would He Beat Russell Crowe In A Fight? We might be surprised. Heal has a killer instinct. He could accurately peg a basketball at Crowe’s face from more than 100 metres away.
5. Chris Anstey: Anstey enjoyed reasonable success coming off the Mavericks bench, and actually started in 8 games. One of those starts turned into Anstey’s greatest NBA game — a 26 points, 8-rebound domination of the Boston Celtics. Read more about Chris Anstey at NBA Mate.
Bradtke (right) was unstoppable when it came to breaking up a fight.
6. Mark Bradtke: 6′10″, 265lbs.
NBA Averages: 1.6 points and 1.9 rebounds (in 36 games with the Philadelphia 76ers, 1996-’97).
Bradtke was an absolute beast in the low post, with surprisingly quick footwork, and the upper body strength of a wombat (quick nature fact: wombats are grotesquely and disconcertingly muscular). In his lengthy Australian career, he took home four championship rings (two beside Andrew Gaze on the Melbourne Tigers), and represented his country in an incredible four Olympics (1988, 1992, 1996 and 2000).
His NBA career wasn’t as impressive, playing in short spurts. He was never quite big enough to dominate the competition like he could in his homeland. His best game came against the Charlotte Hornets on the 15th of March 1996: 8 points (on 57% shooting) and 10 boards in 23 minutes.
Signature Move: Rebounding, and scoring in the low-post.We’re not talking about a flashy man here.
What’s He Famous For? He’s the benchmark by which Australian centres are judged.
Would He Beat Russell Crowe In A Fight? By virtue of sheer physical size, probably. Though Crowe is an angry man, seething with inner turmoil, whereas Mark Bradtke just seems like a really good guy, so maybe not.
7. Lanard Copeland:Between the years of 1992 and 1999, approximately 82% of every dunk or alley-oop performed in the NBL was actually performed by Lanard Copeland. He was the guy that brought the essence of the NBA — crazy athleticism, soaring dunks, and black men — to Australia’s National Basketball League. Read more about Lanard Copeland at NBA Mate.
Not Stephen Jackson. But it came up when I did a Google Image Search for 'Stephen Jackson NBL,' so I figure my work is done.
8. Stephen Jackson: 6′8″, 220lbs.
NBA Averages: 15.2 points, 3.8 rebounds, 3.0 assists.
NBL Averages: 6.0 points, 0.5 boards, 1.0 assists (in four games with the Sydney Kings, 1998).
Most basketball fans aren’t aware that Captain Jack has toiled in Australia; indeed, he shared a court with Shane Heal in 1998. A second-round Suns draft pick who was waived before he played a game, Jackson had done time with the La Crosse Bobcats of the Continental Basketball Association, before hopping a flight over the Atlantic to spend some time as a Sydney King.
His NBL career was, well, not especially remarkable. His ability to dominate offensively hadn’t yet developed, and the Sydney squad seemed confused about how to use him. He played just four games by the harbour, averaging 6.0 points, 0.5 boards and 1.0 assist.
It’s unclear how many strip joints he visited in Kings Cross, Sydney’s red light district, though one assumes his agent took him on at least two or three trips. Thankfully, Australia has extremely restrictive firearm laws.
Signature Move: Apart from popping off near breast-based bars, Jackson is best known for his fiery intensity, inspirational leadership abilities, and — this year at least — his appalling shot selections(.397% from the field? You’ve ruined a lot of fantasy teams, Jackson!).
What’s He Famous For? Unfortunately, it’s the shooting thing. It should be noted that someone ran him over before he let loose with a pistol, but the fact he brought a pistol to a strip club is certainly representative of poor decision-making. He also sports one of the most ridiculous tattoos the NBA has ever seen: two praying hands holding a gun.
Would He Beat Russell Crowe In A Fight? Absolutely. It would play out a little something like this:
A great guy, a great baller.
9. Ricky Grace: 6′1″, 180lbs.
NBA Averages: 1.3 points, 0.3 rebounds, 0.3 assists (in three games with the Hawks, 1993-’94).
NBL Averages: 18.2 points, 7.2 assists, 1.5 steals (with the Perth Wildcats from 1990-2005).
Ricky ‘Amazing’ Grace was a serious baller, a fluid, spritely point man with deadly passing instincts and the ability to break nearly any defender down off the dribble. Unfortunately, his abilities didn’t translate to the NBA. Though his ability to penetrate was obvious in a pre-season game with the Hawks:
In Australia, Grace was an icon of the National Basketball League, remaining with his Perth club for fifteen years, taking home four champions, and a Finals MVP gong in 1993. As a newly-naturalised citizen, Grace represented Australia at the 2000 Olympics.
Signature Move: Those quick cuts to the basket, and his ability to stop on a dime and squeeze off a bullet pass to an open teammate.
What’s He Famous For? Apart from his sublime abilities with the rock, Grace is also a top-notch human; he is currently the director of Role Models WA, a non-profit organisation that provides developmental and sporting support to disadvantaged Aboriginal communities in Western Australia.
Would He Beat Russell Crowe In A Fight? No. But he could run away very quickly.
10. Luke Schenscher: Luke can be safe in the knowledge that no other NBA player with as little as 31 career games has a website named after him. Schenschational. Read more about Luke Schenscher at NBA Mate.
Ladies and gentlemen of San Antonio, meet your new championship point guard. Should work out well.
In case you haven’t noticed, the NBA press kind of likes rumours. Sometimes they come up with ones that won’t ever happen. Like, ever:
Several GMs doubt that Stephon Marbury will eventually make his way to Boston because he could mess with the chemistry. “They’d be risking too much,” said one executive. But the Spurs, struggling to score without Manu Ginobili, could use Marbury and might have strong enough leadership to take a flier. “Remember, they once brought in Vernon Maxwell,” said an Eastern Conference GM. “Marbury isn’t that bad.”
Arguably the best-operated franchise in the NBA going for a hail mary move like signing a busted, cancerous idiot who appears to be either a) genuinely mentally ill b) disconcertingly religious c) high as a motherfucker d) a combination of the above. Yeah, that sounds likely.
You can only assume a defensively-minded lover of fundamentals like Big Poppa will absolutely adore Starbury. The Damon Stoudamire experiment last year would have gotten him all giddy about the prospect of having yet another undersized shoot-first defensive liability on the roster.
Considering nearly every basketball website in the world has kindly furnished you with extensive season previews (we recommend Skeets’ efforts at Ball Don’t Lie, and John Hollinger’s terrifically geeked out team-by-team analysis at ESPN), we’re going to keep this relatively short.
Besides, we just don’t have time to dedicate 1300 words to each and every franchise. We’re far too busy with extremely important matters, like looking at the facial hair of the NBA, or rifling through players’ trashcans to find their rehab diaries.
But as serious ball freaks, we couldn’t let a fresh season kick off without a preview feature. We’ll keep things comfortably brief, so your eyeballs don’t get tired (you owe my optometrist money, Hollinger). We’ll kick things off with the Atlantic, one of the most oceanic of the six divisions:
Boston Celtics: Fearing his team may grow fat with self-congratulation, Kevin Garnett returns from an off-season spent researching new motivational techniques. He settles on Full Metal Jacket as his primary source of inspiration. Brian Scalabrine leaves the team in January with a Delonte-esque ‘mood disorder,’ after Garnett calls him an ‘orange-haired, mouse-toothed piece of jump-shootin’ shit.’
New Jersey Nets: The Nets become the richest sports team in the world, on the back of merchandise purchases from the 5.3 billion Chinese fans the NBA now boasts. (Interesting fact: there are 480 million Beijing residents watching a replay of the China-USA Olympic game right now).
David Stern further corners the Chinese market, and garners praise from Chinese president Hu Jintao, by instituting ‘the Double China rule’, whereby field goals scored by Chinese players are worth twice as much as those scored by non-Chinese players. Jintao goes wild for the idea, and insists Jianlian play at least 47 minutes a game, much to the chagrin of Lawrence Frank. Jianlian still averages just 14 points a game.
Philadelphia 76ers: Despite late-season injuries to Andre Miller and Louis Williams, the Sixers scrape into the playoffs on the back of strong frontcourt play from Elton Brand and Samuel Dalembert.
With their backcourt absolutely decimated, general manager Ed Stefanski figures disheartened Philadelphia fans would benefit from a familiar face, and brings in Donovan McNabb to man the point. McNabb is viciously booed and cruelly taunted instantly, and responds by committing 27 turnovers in his first game. He does briefly excite the crowd with a full-court alley-oop to Thaddeus Young.
'I is shooting threes! Si!'
Toronto Raptors: Shocking the naysayers, the Jermaine O’Neal and Chris Bosh frontcourt combo really works, both players averaging double-doubles, both playing the full 82 games. And notorious racist José Calderon delivers a ridiculous 5.6-1 assist-turnover ratio, nearly earning him an All-Star nod.
Unfortunately, Andrea Bargnani sabotages any playoff hopes by jacking up half-court threes, constantly screaming ‘I no go in this paint! No paint for Andrea!’ He averages 3.2 points on .071% shooting, and refuses to collect a rebound (‘Is no rebound! Mi rifiuto!’). Coach Sam Mitchell insists the Bargnani era is over, citing his wretched performances. General manager Jerry Colangelo disagrees, telling the media ‘he’s a number one pick. He’s good. I know he’s good. I drafted him. Sam will start him, and Sam will play him.’
Sam starts him, Sam plays him, and the Raptors win 21 games.
New York Knicks: With a 1-27 record, and Quentin Richardson averaging 32 field goal attempts a game at a .223% clip, the D’Antoni experiment is chalked up as a terrible failure just two months into the season.
Like a scene from an Oliver Stone-directed remake of Eddie, Rudy Guiliani is controversially named head coach, boasting that the legendary leadership skills he developed in the days and months after 9/11 will hold him in good stead. Jerome James, who spends each September eating prawn cocktails on his yacht, asks ‘what the fuck is 9/11?’
Guiliani does a much better job than Vinny Del Negro.
@docktora Roy Hibbert is a surething for a massive breakout, right? He'll get starts, stacks of minutes, and he can score, board AND block. 9 hours ago
@Daniel_Artest You still hitting New Zealand soon? You should write up some diaries of your trip. Start a blog. Or write for us? 9 hours ago
If the Raps can pick up Jarrett, that's a great Calderon back-up. Doesn't make up for the terrible Hedo signing though. 9 hours ago
@docktora best case scenario is just sub-Ariza without the steals. He'll be a perpetual 8th man, classic energy guy. 17 hours ago
