Miami's South Beach: citizens are currently considering a motion by Dwyane Wade to rename the beach 'Dwyane Wade.'
Miami Heat: With Shaq out of town, crime in Miami skyrockets, and the beleagured police force call on the heightened talents of their city’s basketball team to help out: Wade is able to run down and catch any thief on foot and most any thief in cars; Beasley talks such epic trash that even hardened criminals break down in tears; and Chris Quinn spends his off-court time mixing potions that either restore the flagging energy of Miami’s police force or add +1 to Marion’s mana.
Erik Spoelstra has marginal success in his first season as coach, taking Miami to 25 wins, largely due to the answers he gets to his coaching inquiries on Yahoo! fantasy forums. His off-court time is spent blazing up with Mario Chalmers and referring to Pat Riley as “Old Father Time.”
Charlotte Bobcats: What will Larry Brown bring to the franchise this year? It’s well known that Charlotte are probably one mid-level player away from genuine play-off contention, when things are going right. If J-Rich, Gerald Wallace, Okafor and Felton can contribute for a full season, Charlotte could pull off some surprising upsets and finish the regular season with a shot at the 8th spot.
This, however, ignores the very real possibility that Felton cracks it over the decision to draft yet another point guard who will challenge for his spot, and demands a trade, thus disrupting team chemistry — which will see Adam Morrison out for three weeks with an injured tear duct.
There are at least two further major concerns: is Gerald Wallace’s brain still functioning, and will another knock render him disabled; and what will be the atrocious decision Michael Jordan makes this year?
Atlanta Hawks: The big question on everyone’s mind will be the effect Josh Childress’ absence will have on Atlanta’s depth and presence off the bench. While this will be an unknown quantity until the season starts, The Sport Count has the answer to the second biggest question on everyone’s mind: yes, there is now a huge excess of weed in Atlanta as a result of Childress’ move.
J-Smoove’s off-season signing to $58M should placate him enough to continue being ridiculous on the defensive end, and Joe Johnson should return to his marksmanship ways. With Al Horford only getting better, look for this team to still be in contention in the second round of the playoffs. Don’t look for Mike Bibby though, who will by that time have sprained both wrists, broken his neck, accidentally gnawed one of his legs off, and covered his head in so many bad tattoos he is no longer recognisable.
Washington Wizards: This is just frustrating. If Washington had their All-Star trio of Arenas, Jamison and Butler all healthy, they’d probably one of the most exciting teams to watch in the East. As it is, Antawn hurt himself before the season, Gilbert is unsurprisingly out due to his terrible rehab routine, Caron is almost as fragile as T-Mac, and starting Center Brendan Haywood is potentially out for the season. Talk about starting on the back foot. If the Wiz can overcome these injury concerns and post a reasonable record, it will be one of the great achievements of the season.
The one horrible inevitability is that injuries will mean Nick Young gets more court-time, which will result in him jacking up so many ill-advised shots that it’ll make Larry Hughes look like Ray Allen.
Orlando Magic: Is there any chance they won’t top the division? Dwight is continuing to put up the kind of numbers that destroy small towns, Turkoglu is coming off a career season that all the pundits think will be repeated, Rashard Lewis is playing well enough that you forget he gets paid as much as Kobe and 50% more than LeBron, and Jeff Van Gundy has been signed to ESPN to now Stan can stop worrying what his lovable-but-mentally-deficient brother is doing and actually concentrate on the game. All signs point to the Magic being a dominant force in the Eastern Conference.
The highlight will be when Dwight offers to correct the geological problem Oden caused on the west coast by starting his run-up in Philly and dunking the Chrysler building.
Posted by: Alex
