Clippers coach Mike Dunleavy in a relatively relaxed moment.

The Los Angeles Clippers are absolutely wretched, useless, worse than even the most cynical of commentators could have predicted. They’ve lost nine of their ten games, and only two of those matches have been away from the safety of the Staples Center.

Their sole victory was hardly inspiring, coming at home over an imploding Mavericks team caught between a desire to blood their young, and a need to win before their ageing veterans are shipped off to local nursing homes. After that lacklustre victory, Baron Davis tried to reassure the punters, and his teammates, and himself: ‘We let a couple of games get away that we had control of,’ he said. ‘But once you get that first one, it just takes the monkey of your back and you realize that you know how to win.’

Sorry Baron, but the monkey still rides. After that brief moment of Cuban-beating glory, the Clippers were wrecked by a shocking Kings squad, demolished by a Warriors team bound for the lottery, then narrowly beaten by an injury-riddled Spurs squad.

These are not good times for Los Angeles’ other team. Billy Crystal hasn’t slept in two weeks. He wanders the empty halls at the Clippers’ training centre in the dead of night, quietly weeping into a game-used Elton Brand jersey.

What’s going wrong with this team? Apart from, like, everything?

The problem lies exactly where most observers expected it would: chemistry, camraderie, the team dynamic. You wonder if this Clippers squad, so enthusiastically and haphazardly cobbled together in the off-season, can make it work, but it doesn’t look good.

Not with Marcus Camby phoning it in, as if actual games are just an unfortunate distraction, an irritating roadblock until he ends up on a team that isn’t cursed. He doesn’t look especially healthy, or motivated, and he’s clearly still disgusted at the crude manner in which the Nuggets dumped him –like a defensively-minded kidnap victim who woke up in East LA with a fat wallet and instructions to get to the arena.

Baron Davis looks like you don’t want Baron Davis to look; far too confident in his shot, too lazy to drive, bored, distracted. There’s no fire in him. He’s shooting 36.4% from the field, and going to the line just 3.4 times a game. His steals are down, and his three-point shot is wretched (23.3%). Diddy is living up to every critics’ nastiest claims: that his health last year was a contract year effort, that he isn’t a leader, that he inked a deal with the Clippers because he loves Los Angeles, not the team that goes with it.

The fact that Mike Dunleavy – a coach that, uh, seems to rub some players the wrong way (how’s the bay, Corey?) – is already butting heads with Baron doesn’t bode well. (Stephen Jackson diagnosed the problem after his Warriors beat Baron and his new team: ‘It’s kind of difficult for [Baron]. He likes playing fast and he likes having the ball a lot. They run a lot of isolation plays with the two and three guards and he doesn’t really get a chance to do his thing.’

Ugh! My team bad!

Ricky Davis? His career looks all but over, jacking up ugly shots at a 32.3% clip, bludging on defense, adding nothing. Chris Kaman looks confused – more so than usual — whenever he looks around and sees Camby clogging up his paint. Al Thornton looks promising, just like he did last year. He isn’t yet the long-limbed offensive juggernaut many expected might emerge this season.

None of it is working, and it doesn’t make much sense. On paper, the Clippers should be a tenacious (albeit often ineffective) defensive squad, with Diddy gambling on steals, Camby swatting from the weakside, Kaman taking up room in the lane, and Thornton dogging the wings. On paper, the Clippers should be strong offensively, with sweet-shooting threats (Baron, Eric Gordon, Al Thornton, Ricky Davis every 4th game), a monster with surprising finesse in Chris Kaman, and a passing big man in Camby. On paper, the Clippers shouldn’t be the second-worst team in the West (only the Faux-Sonics are worse).

But games aren’t played on paper, and in the real world, this Clippers team is horrific.

Should the players go for post-game drinks? Do they need to play poker together? Would a big barbecue in Mike Dunleavy’s backyard help? We don’t know. But if the Clippers want to win, they better start talking to each other. As it is, they look like bewildered strangers bound only by contractual obligation, not a desire to win.

Posted By: Anton

It was said –- in fact we said it with one of the loudest voices (here, here, here and here) –- but Mike D’Antoni didn’t listen! When NBA fans and scouts alike feverishly typed Danilo Gallinari into Babelfish this past summer, only to see Fettucine Bustaola come up, the Count could smell a rat. And when recent news informed us that the Big Bustamental was going down for the rest of the season, we were neither surprised, shocked, nor sad.

On a recent fact-finding trip to NYC (where the Count saw Danilo’s one and only hit-out in an NBA game; 0/2 from the field and 1 foul in a heady 3 minutes, 32 seconds) we managed to pilfer the Italian Stallion’s iPhone, and came across his rehab schedule for that day.

10:00am – Hit the gym for rehab. D’Antoni has implemented the Italian system, meaning I will jump rope for 20 minutes, and smoke four cigarettes each time my back hurts. Working well, but chest is sore.

11:00am – Place call to Mr. Dolan, try and coordinate upfront payment of months’ salary in cash.

12:00pm – Look into the mirror, burst into tears.

14:00pm – Stephon calls me. I don’t pick up. He wants to go and see Quantum of Solace tonight; I bought it in China Town.

15:00pm – Head into Macy’s, I’m surprised that they don’t have a Street Clothes sections, as many websites say this is what I will wear for one year. Spend $2,000 on ties.

17:00pm – Note to self; Maccaroni in USA = different, but also good.

19:00pm – Watch The Godfather, part three. I can’t believe American’s don’t get the Andy Garcia / Sofia Coppola love story.

23:00pm - Switch to BET. I didn’t know that’s what Wilson meant when he was saying skeet the other day.

23:30pm - TiVO is a handy alternative for the time poor consumer.

24:00pm – Note to self: Hookers in America = different, but also good.

Posted by: James

Yesterday, we were drinking cappuccinos at Starbucks on Bellaire & Wilcrest with Houston Rockets shooting guard Tracy McGrady and small forward Ron Artest. Just a few coffees between friends.

When Ron The Don and T-Mac wandered off to take a conference call from a tired Yao Ming — still a little drunk from the previous night’s ‘veteran’s meeting’ at The Yao Restaurant And Bar — we snuck a peak at the laptop they share, and screencapped their respective Safari histories.

First, it’s Tracy:

And Ron:

Posted By: Anton & Alex

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen. The one millionth reason to like Steve Nash:

And just in case you missed the 932738th:

Posted By: Anton

Ladies and gentlemen of San Antonio, meet your new championship point guard. Should work out well.

In case you haven’t noticed, the NBA press kind of likes rumours. Sometimes they come up with ones that won’t ever happen. Like, ever:

Several GMs doubt that Stephon Marbury will eventually make his way to Boston because he could mess with the chemistry. “They’d be risking too much,” said one executive. But the Spurs, struggling to score without Manu Ginobili, could use Marbury and might have strong enough leadership to take a flier. “Remember, they once brought in Vernon Maxwell,” said an Eastern Conference GM. “Marbury isn’t that bad.”

Arguably the best-operated franchise in the NBA going for a hail mary move like signing a busted, cancerous idiot who appears to be either a) genuinely mentally ill b) disconcertingly religious c) high as a motherfucker d) a combination of the above. Yeah, that sounds likely.

You can only assume a defensively-minded lover of fundamentals like Big Poppa will absolutely adore Starbury. The Damon Stoudamire experiment last year would have gotten him all giddy about the prospect of having yet another undersized shoot-first defensive liability on the roster.

Posted By: Anton

Derrick Rose: evidently quite good at basketball.

As real Obama freaks, The Sport Count team have been in Chicago all week. But we figured it was worth a trip out to Cleveland to see the The President’s Own Team in action. Here are some brief notes from the game:

Look at this photo while blasting Coolio. It works.

- Turns out cornrows are back, if they ever left at all. Both Delonte West and Thabo Sefolosha have them; both look like extras from Dangerous Minds. Then there’s Drew Gooden’s Pirates Of The Caribbean effort. He’s calling it ‘The Johnny’ for reasons I’m too physically disgusted to discuss.

- In other follicular news, Mike Brown clearly worked on a tight little goatee in the off-season. It’s my second favourite off-season beard change, just after — who else? — Big Poppa Popovich.

- Derrick Rose can get to the hoop. Quickly. It’s preternatural, all instinct, like the five defenders he’s just beaten aren’t there. And he doesn’t need tricks to do it either; no killer crossover, or pre-drive pump fake, nor Tony Parker-esque circus shots. Like Monta Ellis and Chris Paul, he just sees the ring, attaches the ball to an invisible string, and takes a couple of easy steps forward. Rose ends the night with 20 points and seven assists.

- It remains difficult to believe that Anderson Varejao is good at basketball; he looks too ridiculous, like a 1970s soccer star, or a flip flop-sporting exchange student visiting Southern California. Or Pablo Escobar’s second-best bodyguard. n some ways, I guess he isn’t particularly good at basketball. His shot-taking instincts remain fairly comical, and his passing game is non-existent at best, grotesque at worst. But the energy and intensity is palpable, and the Cavaliers look much stronger with him out there.

Ben Wallace: only scores points by accident.

- It’s been written, said or sung so very many times before, but if Ben Wallace wasn’t on such a brutally fat contract, would he seriously be getting more than 10 minutes a game? Yes, okay, he can still put on the occasional rebounding clinic — he grabs 14 boards tonight, including a memorable series in which Busted Ben rises above every single Bull to bring down two consecutive offensive boards.

But it kills your team when you give a big man 28 minutes and he rewards you with zero points on 0-2 shooting. In fact, he’s averaging 2.0 points for the season. In other words, the Cavaliers are playing four-on-five on offense (and three-on-five when Wally Szczerbiak isn’t firing). Unacceptable. It has to end.

- In the second quarter, we see Ben Gordon fire a pinpoint pass straight to no one. Just one of many manifestations of a Bulls team that remains confused and disorganised. (Gordon, however, was one of the bright spots for Chicago tonight, putting up 31 points on 11-19. Cue fantasy owners figuring Ben is back in form, only to be rewarded by 6 points at 16% in his next game).

- Have the Bulls given up on Joakim Noah? He’s played just 23 minutes total in the past three games, and his efforts haven’t exactly made the case for more — he’s had four points and four caroms in that time. Ugly. You figure he could still be sold high, considering his length, and rawness (general managers love rawness — it means they can talk about ‘development’ a lot), and his fairly recent glory days in Florida. Time to hit the phones, John Paxson. Try the Bobcats. They’re in need of power forward who isn’t 18% pie, and Michael Jordan is easily fleeced.

- After his sub-par last season, and a terrible one point (on 0-8 shooting) effort against the Magic two nights ago, Luol Deng (18 points, seven boards) seems to have semi-remembered how basketball works. Key facts he has been reminded of: put the ball in the hoop, pass to players dressed in the same colour as you, don’t just stand there when a loose ball is nearby.

- LeBron James has developed a low-post game. Jesus christ. He’s still getting better!

- End score: 107-93. It briefly seemed like the Bulls might make a game of it… and then LeBron came in, sank a lay-up (plus one), tipped in a miss, and hit a jumper. He finished with 41.

‘That’s me,’ Bron Bron told the media. ‘When it’s time for me to go out and close a game, that’s what I’m capable of doing.’ He’s a self-aware guy.

Posted By: Anton

Totally unrelated, but if you’d like to see the best jersey in the world, as seen at the Nuggets-Warriors game, click on.

The perfect Christmas gift. Seriously. Please.

A great leader and incredible speaker, with a beautiful finger roll.

Finally, the day has come. America decides. Do they want a blacktop on the white house lawn? Plus miniature basketball rings over every trashcan in the Pentagon? And a senate that takes a fifteen-minute ‘hoops break’ each day? Let’s hope so.

For unnervingly awkward polling news, you’ve got Wolf Blitzer in the Situation Room. Need a man who hasn’t slept since the primaries offering analysis with a childlike giddiness? Watch Chris Matthews over at NBC. If you want a complete run-down of what this election means for the world of basketball, you’ve got The Sport Count.

Sarah Palin: A Pro-Life Baller, Clutch From The Free Throw Line, But Not In Elections.

Palin is on the right. In this picture, I mean.

We’ve reported in the past that Sarah Palin was a serious baller in high school, seemingly casting her as a key figure in the world of politicobasketball:

Palin attended Wasilla High School in Wasilla, Alaska, where she was the head of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes chapter at the school and the point guard and captain of the school’s basketball team.

She helped the team win the Alaska small-school basketball championship in 1982, hitting a critical free throw in the last seconds of the game, despite having an ankle stress fracture at the time. She earned the nickname “Sarah Barracuda” because of her intense play and was the leader of team prayer before games.

Unfortunately, the fact she’s a genuine moron who was selected by a desperate McCain team as a hail mary effort to court naïve women and sad-eyed, ill-thinking families kind of detracts from her otherwise attractive basketball credentials.

Barack Obama Loves Basketball:

As I write, CNN is reporting that Barack Obama, the great hope of American politics, will spend some of the day shooting hoops. Makes sense. Serious blacktop users often speak of the meditative effects of ball; the world fades away to reveal just a cement court and a free throw line, just you and a ball and a ring to put it in, the only sounds the squeak of your sneaker and the swish of the net.

If you’re wondering, Barack has a beautiful jumpshot, his shoulders always square to the basketball, his release textbook:

Tracy McGrady And Kevin Garnett Love Obama:

And they’re expressing that love with their feet. Adidas have ignored the perverted anti-partisan false logic spewed by Michael Jordan — ‘Republicans buy sneakers too’ — by producing some beautiful Change kicks for Tracy McGrady and Kevin Garnett.

Shoes that love Barack Obama? I'm throwing out my Air Force Ones.

McGrady is a committed Obama fan. ‘[My shoes] say A Change Is Needed,’ McGrady has said, ‘because we definitely need the kind of change that Barack Obama represents. A lot of people are suffering in this country and we need to take a step back and look at how we can help them.’ McGrady was lucky enough to meet the man he’ll be voting for today:

When Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama was through Houston on the campaign trail recently he had an unusual request: he really wanted to meet Houston Rockets superstar Tracy McGrady.

‘I got word from his campaign that he wanted to meet me,’ recalls McGrady. ‘So I went to his hotel and had a chance to talk with him. I’ve been a supporter for a long time, and it was an honor for me. He’s such an intelligent man, and he’s very down-to-earth, as well. I was also surprised by how tall he is!’

Baron Davis Loves Obama As Well:

A great point guard, and a great voter.

He really, really loves Obama. From his blog on Yardbarker:

OK. Hope ya’ll watched Barack Obama’s acceptance speech Thursday night. If he didn’t move you maybe the sound was turned down. When it was over I felt like I was ready to go out to Venice Beach and start registering people to vote right then at 9pm. We’ve got to show up on Nov. 4th to vote this man into the White House!!! FOR REAL!

So Does Tyson Chandler:

From his blog:

He’s just one of those dudes who comes off so poised, calm and just touchable. I’ve never felt like a Presidential candidate was touchable, that you could actually sit down and have a conversation with him. But with Obama, I feel like I’m in touch with him, like I understand what he’s talking about.

I’ve watched debates in the past, and I never knew what was going on. I never realized what the President was talking about. But Obama breaks it down so that I can understand, my grandparents can understand, anybody can. He bridges the gaps and brings everybody together.

Everyone Who Likes Basketball Should Love Obama As Well:

Because basketball fans aren’t idiots, right? You can’t love this beautiful game called basketball and not love this beautiful man named Obama.

Basketball is about individual brilliance in the name of the collective, the submersion of personal greed — forced shots and ill-advised stat-stuffing — in the interests of a greater good. Basketball is about hustling and working hard, knowing your teammate will do the same for you. Basketball is about the small gestures and seemingly tiny gains — a point or two here, two or three there — building to a greater good.

You want Obama on your team. He’ll hustle for you.

Posted By: Anton

The Answer: bringing personality to Motown.

Just 48 hours ago, basketball fans led an easy life. We knew who we liked and who we disliked. Things were black and white in the NBA. Now Detroit and Denver have gone and muddied the waters, by setting off the first blockbuster trade of the season.

With Allen Iverson set to pack his bags and head to Motown, and Chauncey Billups and Antonio McDyess heading back to Colorado, basketball fans will have to reconsider their opinions. Over here at The Sport Count, we thought we had Detroit figured. We were happy to consider them a faceless, coldly-efficient franchise. Rip Hamilton is an unlikable, pesky defender; Chauncey is a highly-competent but less-than-exciting point guard; Tayshaun Prince isn’t unlikable, but he’s not electrifying; and Sheed is a big angry moron. They were the team of second-tier NBA identities who were consistently able to bring teams down to their slow grind of play, and suck the fun out of just about any game.

No longer is this true. In Iverson, Detroit have picked up one of the most colorful NBA identities ever, and perhaps more annoyingly, a genuinely exciting, explosive talent who is a joy to watch. The Count is displeasd about this, because we had already planned which games to watch and had efficiently discounted any match-up involving San Antonio or Detroit. So now we’ll have to figure out whether or not it’s worth committing a few hours to watching one of the least likable teams in basketball for the sporadic moments of brilliance from AI. Worse, basketball fans now have to think about whether Detroit just picked up the offensive talent they needed to translate their conference finals form into genuine championship contention.

On the other side of the coin, Denver also becomes less likable. Nothing against Chauncey and McDyess, but between Iverson, Melo and Andersen, there was an enjoyably large number of criminal charges at Denver. The move is probably a good one for Denver, as they now have a genuine point guard and perimeter threat in Billups, which will give Melo room to move as the number one option on the offensive end. But for anyone not a Denver fan, we’ve lost the nightly buzz generated by the possibility that Melo and AI combine to choke an entire opposing team in a violent 12 second melee. And that, as an NBA fan, is a sad thing to lose.

Posted by: Alex

Pau Gasol.

Are you posing for Rembrandt right now? Because if you aren’t, get that that Renaissance-man germination off your face. You play ball, you don’t hang in the Louvre.

Rasheed Wallace.

If basketball was high school, this guy would be voted ‘most likely to bang hot, African-American TV stars,’ right? The knuckles give it all away. Why? Because sports tape tightly bound around men’s parts turns me on. So judge me. It’s not like I want to masturbate with feet.

Drew Gooden.

Oh, forget all the obvious ‘towelhead’ calls right now, we’ve found our Allah. Just as we imagine the Christian God may look like Sam Elliott, Drew Gooden and his chin mane can be our Arab Guy In The Sky. Because if the Muslim God runs around paradise with virgins, this is who I want to imagine doing it.

Moses Malone And Julius Erving.

It really kills me that these hairy bros aren’t related, because I’d like to imagine a super rich, comfortably overweight mama sitting in her mansion polishing this picture in its frame. And now I have something in my eyes.

Scot Pollard.

What, so you’re the funny guy? Whoa, relax. So are most retarded, drunk, Irish people with beards.

Posted By: Brie

Read part one of your guide to NBA beards here.

Bruce Bowen is thinking "Can I get away with biting into his neck?"

Houston Rockets: Any real basketball fan hopes that this is the season T-Mac shakes the monkey and gets his team through the first round of the playoffs. T-Mac, Yao and Artest with a great supporting cast: it should be a return to Houston’s former glory of only about a decade ago.

It’s just so sad though. We know what’s going to happen, and it crushes our collective heart. T-Mac will break down. Yao will once again be defeated by the laws of physics and crush his fragile feet. Maybe they can hit say, 40 wins, bench these two for the rest of the regular season, and hope the role players can wrangle the next 10 or so wins that gets them 8th spot in the West. If Houston can stay healthy, the toughest division in the league just got even tougher.

Hang on, no. Because that would mean Ron Artest becomes the de facto team leader, which is questionable for two reasons: one, he’d have to not be suspended, which is only ever a 50% chance with the Don; and two, even if he isn’t suspended, do you let Ron Artest give advice to your younger players?

San Antonio Spurs: Who cares? The team is basically unchanged, so my prediction remains unchanged — they will challenge for the conference final, in yet another victory for stupidly boring basketball and bad sportsmanship.

Bar Spurs fans, is there anyone out there who doesn’t hope the entire team gets brought up on charges of bringing the game into disrepute and booted to the D-league? Is there a less enjoyable team to watch (okay, maybe Detroit)? Is there a less likable group of players, even given the fact they’ve ditched Horry? Is there anyone who doesn’t hope Bruce Bowen hard fouls Ron Artest and gets repaid with a straight shot to the chin like Ron-Ron landed on that Turtle-looking-fella at Auburn Hills?

Memphis Grizzlies: How could you dislike the Grizz this season? They’re basically a bunch of young kids who were playing pick-up and sent a letter to David Stern saying “mind if we have a crack at the NBA?”

O.J. Mayo proved in the preseason that he’s not daunted by playing in the NBA. Rudy Gay is one of the most electrifying, and dominant, young talents in the league. This alone should make the team likable. But then they’ve got an upside-laden young point guard in Conley, who will be amazing if he ever stops gaming, the brother of a proud racist and a centre with genuine hustle in Marc Gasol, and rookie power forward Darrell Arthur, who slipped too far in the draft due to concerns about a heart condition. Someone will one day make a movie about the 2008-2009 Grizzlies, who will only just scrape over twenty wins, but through the adversity will learn the true meaning of friendship.

Dallas Mavericks: Let’s not skirt around the issue. Dallas are too old now. They’re just too old. Their time has passed, and they’re irrelevant. You can imagine them all standing around when electricity was invented going “pfft — nothing will ever replace the good old steam engine.”

Jerry Stackhouse, Jason Kidd, Jason Terry, Eric Dampier, and Devean George are all ancient. Even if they’re still functional, they’ll get injured, or will spend too much time thinking about how they’re going to spend their millions when they retire in the next two years.

Moreover, how much confidence would you have in the coming years? Your GM has just traded a potential All-Star point guard (Devin Harris) away for a wife-beating grey hair (Jason Kidd), and then signed DeSagana Diop to almost $30M worth of contract. WTF. Did Cuban green-light that contract based on how many blocks Diop gets in fantasy leagues? It’s all just bad news at Dallas.

New Orleans Hornets: Unbelievably, everyone’s second favourite team managed to only get better over the off-season with the signing of ring-magnet James Posey. Adding his long range threat and clutch abilities to the talents of Chris Paul, David West, Tyson Chandler and Peja Stojakovic makes the Hornets the team to beat in the West. Yes, better than the Lakers.

Posted by: Alex