THE SPORT COUNT

Stay with me here.

Professional basketball players work hard. Not quite ‘digging in a mine shaft’ hard, but they’re not given their stacks of cash for nothing. Very late nights, constant scrutiny and insult, tough practice sessions, tedious media engagements. Not to mention the thousands of shots put up in practice before making the league, the cumulative months spent on playground courts honing the game.

But for most ballers, there is an overwhelming element of luck involved in their success. For some, it’s almost all luck.

These are the tall and unskilled of the NBA; the players blessed by genetics, their arms long, their legs able to move quickly. They are paid for their length and height, not their jumpshot or court vision. They are paid for their genetic make-up.

They are congratulated financially and socially for having the right parents.

In other words, they have a big cock.

Tyrus Thomas: a very gifted athlete.

Let me explain. Take Tyrus Thomas: an athletic wonder, long arms, blistering speed, electric calves. He can really run, and he can really jump. That’s the skillset of the 4th pick in the 2006 NBA draft. But those aren’t skills — they’re gifts. They were bestowed upon Tyrus by his parents. But those gifts came late. In his early years, the game of basketball was cruel to Tyrus.

A relatively average 5′10″ as a freshman, Thomas couldn’t even make the varsity team at McKinley High School in Baton Rouge. He wasn’t a playmaker, couldn’t shoot, lacked defensive intensity. By his junior year, he’d gained eight inches in height, but his game hadn’t improved. 6′6″ and 190 pounds, Thomas was recruited by Louisiana State University, but never offered a scholarship. He just wasn’t that good. It took a fellow recruit getting booted off the team for Tyrus to pick up a paid-for spot on the team’s roster.

Tyrus came on to campus relatively free of hype, recruits concerned the raw youngster couldn’t contribute. They were wrong. As a freshman, Thomas put up averages of 12.3 points, 9.2 rebounds and 3.1 blocks. Impressive numbers. But not many skills to go with it.

Tyrus is a sub-par NBA shooter, with a sporadic mid-range jumpshoot and awkward technique. His post game is underdeveloped. His defense can be both startling (for his ability to swat shots and poke away balls) and pathetic (his tendency to take breaks when he isn’t feeling inspired). He’s an athletic marvel, a gazel on the open floor, a high-flying genetic oddity. But if he was just four inches shorter, he wouldn’t be a top lottery pick. He wouldn’t even be in the league.

Those inches make the difference. That’s not where the schlong analogy comes in, though the difference between ‘mocked on Sex & The City’ and Dirk Diggler is just a few inches. No, the similarities lie in how people respond to an achievement you haven’t worked for.

Having a large penis requires little ability. You can help the cause, sure: don’t smoke, lest your cardiovascular system lose the ability to send blood where you want it; keep in shape, so your member isn’t hidden by flesh; shave, to ensure Jonah Hill curls don’t cloak your junk. But no pumps ordered from the internet, or wishful thinking, or desperate surgical inquiries will give you a giant wang. It comes down to your parents, and luck.

That doesn’t stop society — and, more acutely, producers and consumers of internet pornography — from fawning over oversized schlongs, as if the owner were somehow imbued with mystical properties and an inarguable masculine power. There’s an implied strength in the size, as if the bonus inches were an outward manifestation of an inner greatness.

Castro Supreme: a very gifted penis owner.

Watch one of the, uh, short films over at Monsters of Cock. The plots don’t run complex. The driving narrative forces are: a) the man involved has an enormous cock and b) the woman involved is amazed, delighted, and obsessed with that fact. The other attributes of the male are so diminished as to be invisible: the aesthetics of his face mean nothing; his work isn’t important (he’s not a deliveryman, or a pool cleaner); his personality is non-existent, beyond the fulfilment he clearly gains from having a monster cock.

Take Castro Supreme, a regular actor — perhaps ‘participant’ is a better word — in the films of MoC. Nothing is known about him. He speaks in a dull monotone, often appears bored, smiles only when a flattering comment is made about his penis. He has no perceivable ability, beyond staying erect — a testament more to his blood supply than hard work. Supreme doesn’t seem to be a particularly skilled sexual partner, nor does he exude any charisma. And yet, thanks to the preposterously large cock gifted to him, he’s carved out a career.

Castro has more than 1500 fans on Facebook. These are people impressed not by his humour, or knowledge, or even his ability to nail an 18-footer jumper under pressure. They’re impressed by his penis and, by extension, they’re impressed by him.

His job appears relatively easy, demanding just punctuality and a willingness to let any feminist inclinations fall to the wayside. In essence, he cashes cheques that his genitals have banked.

The difference between Castro Supreme and Tyrus Thomas? The 5′8″, 160 pound Castro never had a growth spurt. At least, the rest of his body didn’t. Supreme was born with a genetic aberration rewarded by society (an 11-inch johnson), whereas Tyrus was born with complex grouping of them (long arms, natural athleticism, and height).

Their respective prizes in the genetic lucky dip lend them different rewards: Castro receives $1000 per video, while Tyrus received $3,749,880 last season. But the scale of their success is the only real difference — the process is the same. They were simply born with attributes others admire.

This isn’t to devalue Supreme, nor Thomas, as people. If you don’t mind the work involved, one would be foolish not to capitalise on one’s parent-given gifts.

It is only to take notice of the sometimes strange ways society sets up its reward system. Hard work counts for a lot — look at Kobe Bryant, who works tirelessly to elevate his natural abilities, or a relatively unathletic gym rat like Chris Mullin — but it only goes so far. Unattractive people tend to be paid less than hotties; the taller of two presidential candidates tends to win the election; pornographers want males with big members; NBA scouts demand length and height. Genetic luck dictates outcome.

Tyrus Thomas didn’t work tirelessly for his success, but it doesn’t matter. He is tall. He is long. He can jump. He can run.

He didn’t earn these gifts. Like a big penis, he was given it… and he learnt how to use it.

Posted By: Anton

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