THE SPORT COUNT

Over the lengthy and well-deserved holiday break, The Sport Count team were yukking it up on a poker tour of the Bahamas with Michael Jordan and Phil Hellmuth. After about 40 hands and an almost equivalent number of Piña Coladas, Phil would inevitably start ribbing Michael about how he was the “male Martha Stewart” – Phil’s logic being that at one point both Michael and Martha had been hyper-popular and the apple of a nation’s eye, but were now just as likely to be ridiculed for their shocking business acumen.

Michael typically responded by ashing his Montecristo in whatever stupid liquer-based cocktail Hellmuth happened to be on, and the conversation would swing to current NBA players, and the women they could be most associated with.

In between rolling on the floor at Michael’s lacklustre pop culture knowledge, and being not-so-quietly disgusted at the crass suggestions Hellmuth would make, The Sport Count team did their best to document the findings of these discussions. So without further ado, and making no apologies for the blatant pun in the title, The Sport Count presents your guide to the The National Babe Association:

Dwyane Wade is Beyoncé Knowles

Much like D-Wade’s efforts to bounce back from injury, and his ability to come up with magic from anywhere on the court, Beyoncé managed to bounce back from releasing that “to the left, to the left” junk with Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It), and manages to look hot from anywhere in the world.

Phil Says: All I heard was junk. We’re talking the trunk, yeah? I want to ride the Knowles train. She’s like the ace you need on the river… you just want it to touch your bits.

Mario Chalmers is Solange Knowles.

Mario is to Dwyane as Solange is to Beyoncé.

Phil Says: Both should be to Phil as I am to chip leader. Heaps. I mean the girls, I’m not gay. I’m Phil Hellmuth.

Kevin Durant is Megan Fox.

Huge things were promised in the form of KD35’s rookie year and Megan Fox’s blockbusting turn in Transformers. Neither blew minds — Durant jacked up a lot of ridiculous long-range bombs, while Fox succeeded only in inspiring the jacking off of some ridiculous pant bombs — but both have redeemed themselves: Durant with a ridiculous sophomore year, and Fox with that GQ shoot.

Phil Says: Pant bombs? If we’re talking pant bombs, call me Pearl Harbour. I’m not talking movie Pearl Harbour either, I’m talking making love with women Pearl Harbour.

Louis Amundson is Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Neither has succeeded through convention: the strikingly attractive Gyllenhaal defies the limited standards of Hollywood beauty, whilst Amundson defies the unfair expectation that a professional basketballer should be able to dribble the ball more than three seconds without it bouncing off your foot.

Both have hustled throughout their career: Gyllenhaal through dubious television dramas like 1999’s Shake, Rattle & Roll: An American Love Story, Amundson through sub-par stints in Utah and Philadelphia, during which he played less than 100 minutes over the course of three season.

Both share the same hairdresser.

Phil Says: Maggie makes me wish I was still a baby with a sexy mom. I’d suckle all day long, and then she’d change my dirty pants. And I wouldn’t pay her a goddamned dime! Poker isn’t a job? Argue with the money inside me, mom!

Shaquille O'Neal is Helen Mirren.

They’re veterans. True legends of their craft. Shaquille has been toiling in the NBA since 1992, whilst Dame Helen had her breakout role as Hermia in 1967’s production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Both have been written off, forgotten, and overlooked; the Big Diesel due to his age, and often questionable level of physical fitness, Mirren because the film industry refuses to accept a woman above 50 can still draw in the crowds.

They’ve proven the doubters wrong. Shaquille has been dominating the paint in Phoenix this year (to the tune of 17.7 points and 8.9 boards), whilst the beautiful and talented Helen took home a Golden Globe and an Oscar for her turn in 2006’s The Queen. And looked preposterously hot in a bikini at the age of 63.

Phil Says: The only queen I care about is the one that wins me my next tournament. Or the one that loves to ride the whip. Think about it.

Kobe Bryant is Angelina Jolie.

Some stars are so ubiquitous, and so good, that you almost forget about them.

Kobe has been carrying the torch of The Best ever since it was passed to him by Michael Jordan, enjoying threepeat success in the early 00’s, but following that with some recent seasons mired on a mediocre Lakers team. Angelina exploded onto the scene, earning the title of Sexiest Woman In The World, but then started adopting children and seemed to fade.

Then Kobe claims the MVP, and Angelina does Wanted, and it makes you go “Oh yeaaah. That’s why they’re on top.”

Phil Says: I’ve always been on top, as my WSP bracelet will attest, and I’d always be on top of Angie — hell, if I found myself in a dark room with Kobe, I wouldn’t mind being a ‘top’ there either. Hahahahahaha!

Greg Oden is Denise Richards.

Promising youthful careers that were hampered by one bad move: in Oden’s case, the injury that led to heavy microfracture surgery; in Richards’ case, getting knocked up by a hooker-addicted Sheen. Now they both just look ancient.

Phil Says: I remember blowing rails off a girl’s chest who looked like Denise Richards after winding up chip leader one night in the ‘96 series. But I would never do coke off Greg Oden.

J.J. Redick is Pink.

How many time have we heard Pink declare that she will be herself, and doesn’t care what you think? How many times have we heard that JJ Redick is the greatest shooter the league has seen in modern history, but doesn’t get the minutes? How much whinging can we put up with?

Constant cries for more attention and more chances haven’t made up for the fact this pair have precisely none of the talent they need to back up their demands.

Phil Says: I’ve always wanted to introduce Pink to my Red-dick. Hahahahaha! But seriously, who the fuck is J.J. Redick? He looks like he should be selling cereal.

Posted By: Alex, Anton & world poker champion Phil Hellmuth.