THE SPORT COUNT

A fourth way to fix the All-Star Game. Wait, are we still doing Donaghy jokes?

The busy holiday season kept The Sport Count team out of action. Personally, I was in Memphis a) buying Mayo and Gay jerseys in bulk, safe in the knowledge they’ll be worth a tonne when the Grizzlies take home the championship in 2012 and b) smashing grits on the daily at Corky’s Bar-B-Q on Poplar Avenue (my review? Nom nom nom).

Now we’re back, we’ll address a subject close to our hearts: the increasing irrelevancy of the All-Star Game.

Such a sentiment is hardly earth-shattering. Serious basketball heads have decried the comically terrible team selections and stark tedium of the three-point contest for years. Even the dunk contest cops it; only Dwight Howard’s sublimely odd Superman effort last year could revive interest in a set-up that hasn’t delivered much electricity since Spud Webb popped off decades ago.

But the real problem with the All-Star game isn’t the novelty events, nor the spectacularly terrible voting patterns (Tracy McGrady has received the second most guard votes in the west, strongly implying hundreds of thousands of voters haven’t watched a single game this season). No, the real problem is the arbitrary and semi-preposterous nature of the game itself. And so, we present three ways to improve it:

1. Forget the conferences. It’s America Versus The World:

America's New Favourite Mascot!

We’re not the first to suggest it, and we won’t be the last, but it remains genuinely baffling that David Stern and his international playboys haven’t pulled the trigger on such a showcase of global talent.

The conference-versus-conference system is ridiculous and arbitrary, unless we’re somehow willing to believe that LeBron James and his Eastern cohorts have an inexplicable affinity for the Atlantic Ocean, and consider it a point of pride to beat down those traitorous douchebags representing the Pacific shores. In the current set-up, there’s no pride on the line.

That changes when you mix the entertaining and consistently irritating patriotism of the United States of America with the uppity underdogs of Europe, China, and the rest of the world.

Just imagine: shaking your head in disbelief as thousands of fans chant ‘USA! USA! USA!’, much to the chagrin of soft-spoken liberals everywhere; Dirk Nowitzki screaming ’sieg für Deutschland!’ while he nails a three; racist Spaniards like José Calderon and the Gasol brothers trying to tolerate playing with Yi Jianlian and Yao Ming; Eva Longoria’s confusion as she weighs up her nationalism against her romantic love for the Belgium-born Ankle Breaker.

That’s television at its racially-charged best, and the worldwide ratings would be explosive. Indeed, by our calculations, approximately 132.9 billion Chinese would tune in through the peer-to-peer Sopcast network alone.

2. Speaking Of The Chinese, Ban Them From Voting:

A government-sponsored rally to encourage votes for Yi Jianlian.

It’s a cruel and genuinely racist betrayal of the internationally-minded ideals of the NBA, but — like so many segregationist policies of the past — it can be supported by transparent euphemism: ‘we need to do this for the good of the game.’

Yi Jianlian hasn’t quite leap-frogged to the top of the Eastern conference forwards, but all it would take is Hu Jintao redirecting the country’s vast labor force into All-Star voting for two minutes to make it happen. The Chinese population — fantastic humans, yes, and genuine basketball fans, sure — have already undermined the value of democracy by voting a hobbled liability like McGrady into the West starting five.

Can Stern truly countenance the possibility of Lakers guard Sun Yue making the cut? Because if the Chinese government can successful censor the internet, it can definitely cobble together an automatic voting widget.

3. Let Obama Decide The Line-Up For The American Team:

'We, the American people, must have a serious wing shooter coming off the bench.'

Obviously, the World’s Greatest President is currently quite busy, what being sworn in and reading documents and all. But as a serious baller — and a man with the confidence and intelligence to make executive decisions — Barack is better positioned than anyone to decide who should be representing American basketball.

Of course, he’ll need help. Which is why John Hollinger will be promoted to Obama’s cabinet, and his daily-updated PER rankings will be faxed to the President each day, keeping him abreast of Vince Carter’s surprisingly strong season, and Josh Smith’s ongoing problems. And Rahm Emanuel will be tasked with deciding whether Danny Granger is the second-best small forward in the game.

As for the international team? I’d suggest the United Nations decide, but not even a gifted peacemaker like Kofi Annan could decide whether José Calderon or Steve Nash is the more deserving International Team starter.

Posted By: Anton