THE SPORT COUNT

Spencer Hawes, pictured yesterday after kicking an underprivileged child.

It goes without saying that draft day is the most important day of your fantasy season. As well as being a perfect excuse for eight grown men to drunkenly convene and intimately discuss statistics, the draft represents the sweet and sour few hours during which your fantasy foundation is cobbled together.

But – in a real boon for advocates of workplace ineffiency — that sweet day in October does not decide your fantasy fate. No, it’s the trades you pull the trigger on, and the waivers you work, that will bring you that pixelated trophy.

And so, in the interests of ‘wire freaks’ everywhere, let us examine key guys who are most likely available in your leagues.

Spencers Hawes | Sacramento Kings | PF/C: Hawes has been impressive in his sophomore year, defying the ‘law of the timeshare’ — whereby two players splitting time will both be rendered totally impotent for fantasy purposes — by averaging 11.2 points, 8.5 rebounds, 1 steal and 1 block through six December games.

But in spite of those clearly useful statistics, Hawes may still be available… assuming you, like me, play in a league stacked with die-hard liberals, university graduates, and Slate readers. Yes, Hawes is a serious Bush advocate, and also — by virtue of that fact, and self-evidently – a genuine moron.

In fact, Hawes would definitely be on the waivers in my major league — all proud softcock liberals —  if it weren’t for the terrifcally horrific fact we have a team named The Euro, comprised solely of white players. (The Euro, owned and operated by The Sport Count’s art director, is actually a pretty good team. Unfortunately).

No matter how sweet Hawes’ numbers may be, nor how high his upside, I will never draft — or trade for, or pick up — a Republican athlete. His defensive numbers are tainted by his support for the Iraq offensive. His reasonable field-goal percentage (47% for the season) is counteracted by his unreasonable politics. His energy on the boards is nothing compared to his energy stuffing barrels full of pork in the senate.

My anti-Republican fantasy stance lead to me bypassing Jeremy Shockey in my least NFL draft, instead taking Chris Cooley as my tight-end, and that worked well. Shit, I’ll take a lightly stuffed statistical box from a serious bonghead like Brad Miller before I allow my team to be dragged down by partisan squabbling from a Republican goon like Hawes.

Advice: If you were ‘totally bummed’ about Obama taking the presidency home, by all means pull the trigger on a Hawes pick up. Just to be sure to remember that your waiver move is an implicit vote for the betrayal of the Constitution.

J.R. Smith | Denver Nuggets | SG: It takes a brave general manager to chance J.R. Smith, the most inconsistent of performers, a man who is streaky even when he orders food from a drive-through (sometimes he just drives straight through after paying, leaving two double cheeseburgers in the hands of a confused Colorado fast food worker).

On the season, he’s averaging 12.9 points, 1.7 threes, and 0.8 steals, appearing for all the world like a Raja Bell clone (with extra upside) who’ll carry treys for your deep-league team.

But even owners in eight-team leagues start paying attention when explodes, as he is sporadically wont to do; yesterday against Dallas, he put up 25 points, with two treys, a steal, and five boards.

It’s just that George Karl seems to view J.R. Smith as an illegitimate child, a tedious afterthought who needs to be lavished with attention every now and then so the government doesn’t step in and demand child support. As a result, you get games where J.R. plays seven minutes — November 29th, against Minnesota, the kind of defensively inept squad that Smith could really exploit — and contributes a solitary turnover to the stat sheet.

Advice: Unless you’re privy to the inexplicable workings of George Karl’s rotations — that is, you’re Coby Karl, and you can ring your dad for advice when scouring the Yahoo waivers — you should avoid Smith. Like a beautiful woman with a cruel soul, you’ll swoon at his feet, only to have him dig his high heels right into your neck.

The original caption was 'Marcin Gortat wraca do NBA,' which I think means 'funny waiver pick-up' in Polish. Or maybe 'murder the children.' I don't know.

Marcin Gortat | Orlando Magic | C: With fantasy juggernaut Dwight Howard sidelined, Polish seven-footer Gortat has been capitalising. In his past two games, he’s averaged 3.5 blocks and 8.5 boards, more than acceptable numbers from a third-tier centre. (Is he third-tier? If there are fifteen tiers, he’d have to be fourteenth-tier, right?).

This surprising spray of  hustle numbers sets the scene for a classic fantasy pick up, whereby you hit the waivers, add Gortat, then inundate your league with fantastical, comically ill-advised proclamations concerning ‘Gortat’s great play in theFrench leagues’ or ‘his incredible wingspan, which I think Stan Van Gundy loves.’

Advice: If you’ve got a spare roster spot, by all means pick him up. Not for the numbers, of course — you’re just doing your league a public service by embarrassing yourself so profoundly when you slot this great Polish lump into your starting line-up, only to be rewarded with three minutes of garbage time, and three fouls.

We’ll have more waiver wire pick-ups next week.

Posted By: Anton