THE SPORT COUNT

"These are yellow. Monsters can't live in yellow."

In breaking news shocking people the world over, Shawn Kemp’s return to pro basketball has died an early death. Sports Illustrated has reported that, following three pre-season games with Italian club Premiata Montegranaro, Kemp returned to the States to check the damage to his Houston home after Hurricane Ike. Shortly after, the club’s website ran a release from Kemp saying he would not return.

The details of Kemp’s premature departure were vague, until now. The Sport Count spoke with Kemp in the early hours of this morning, from his brightly lit kitchen, where he explained the real reason behind his shock exit.

“They didn’t let me sleep with the goddamned light on,” said the 6′10″ power forward. “Everyone knows monsters live in the dark, and I’m sensible. I keep my lights on all night. No [expletive] monsters getting me. But those Italians, they crazy. They sleep in the dark.”

The Count has long suspected Kemp’s neurosis has been the cause behind his many aborted comeback attempts, and the former All-Star confirmed the troubles had started following his training camp with Dallas before the 05-06 season.

“Avery made me go down there, train with them for months, and every night the Texan bogeyman would wake me in my sleep. It was horrible. I knew it was coming every night, because the Mavericks, they have a ‘lights out at 10′ policy, so I had no defence against it — I had no luminescence, which is its weakness.” Kemp then added “y’know, it looked a lot like Avery Johnson with a bag on his head. The image still haunts me today.”

The troubled forward further suggested that this paralysing fear becoming public was the reason that the Denver Nuggets lost interest in signing him in June 2006.

“In Colorado, they don’t have electricity. So when they found out I was going to need candles all night, they got worried I would burn the town down. They never told me that, but I know.”

With Kemp exhausted from his tumultuous day, The Count left the NBA’s greatest ever dunker to whatever bizarre sleep pattern he keeps. Kemp fans around the world might feel slighted that, yet again, we miss out on his return, but at least we have an insight into what a delicate, complex man he is. Shawn Kemp, human after all.

Posted by: Alex