THE SPORT COUNT

Last week, The Roster Rater examined the toilet that is the collective salaries of the New York Knicks. This week, focus shifts to their Atlantic Division competition, and reigning NBA champions, the Boston Celtics.

The Big Three: contracts justified by the humour alone.

The Boston Celtics | Total Salary: $80,046,767

Kevin Garnett | $24,750,000 | 4 years

Yes, sure, this is a great deal; KG brought glory back to Boston, finally ridding the Garden of the Ghost of Len Bias, and he’s the reigning Defensive Player Of The Year. We get it!

My issue is the future. You’ve got a guy who is literally anti-clutch, who has dedicated the last 31 years of his life to getting a ring, and now he’s got one. So what happens next? Does he fire up for next year? Does he go missing for the next three years like he did in throughout much of the playoffs? Does he throw in his jersey, preparing himself for a serious run at next year’s World Series of Poker?

Now that he has that ring, will the desire still be there?

Paul Pierce | $18,077,903 | 3 years

Do you pay $18M to a guy who out-performed the MVP to become the Finals MVP, went clutch to make up for KG’s inability to do so, and consequently captained his team to an NBA Championship? Do you spend this money on athlete described by LeBron as having the second best footwork in the game?

Everyone in the world: ‘Yes.’

Ray Allen | $17,388,430 | 2 years

The good news: Ray is a shooter, and shooters age better than most.

Unlike point guards, spot-up shooters aren’t constantly copping big hits in the lane. Unlike big men, they don’t have 250+ pounds bearing down on their fragile little ankles. Indeed, a shooter can remain effective as long as his wrists aren’t broken, and his eyeballs work.

The bad news? Ray is, for the most part, only a shooter. You’re paying him big money to sink big buckets, and if he isn’t hitting them, you’re wasting cash. Cut to the post-season just past, games six and seven against Cleveland, both series clinchers: Ray goes 4-14 in seventy minutes. That hurts.

It comes down to this: as his age creeps upwards, can Ray stay hot more often than not?

Kendrick Perkins | $4,078,880 | 3 year

Our buddies over at PerkisaBeast.com got it right with their URL. This a great contract for a dude who is more than a great role player — he’s a solid starter. When KG goes missing, Perk is the man, and you can conceivably see him linking up with a Rondo to form a poor man’s Hornets when the Big Three start nodding off in their armchairs.

A white man, yesterday.

Brian Scalabrine | $3,206,897 | 2 years

Look at these averages from last season:

• 6.2 points
• 5.6 rebounds
• 2.8 assists

Most people would agree that such solid numbers are easily worth $3M to a championship winning side. Those figures are exactly the sort of output you want from your role guys. Only, ah, hmmm… the catch is, those are per-36 minute averages. Brian averaged 10 minutes per game last season, so in reality, his averages were more like this

• 1.8 points @ .309 FG%
• 1.6 rebounds

That’s disgusting.

We’ll have to assume the humour of having a big idiot idiot redhead on an Irish-influenced team makes up for his lack of performance

Eddie House | $2,650,000 | 2 years

On a bad team, House would be a liability. Imagine him signed to the Isiah-era Knicks, where players signed contracts first, shot second, and played defense last — he’d be called on to carry the offense, and grotesque inefficiency would ensue.

Place him on a good team, however, and House is a serious asset. He’s energetic, spreading the floor, shooting without thinking, contributing short bursts of hustle and gusto. He’s a classic 8th or 9th option — unpredictable, but sporadically deadly. And he’s paid accordingly (take note, Jannero Pargo).

Rajon Rondo | $1,646,784 | 1 Year

You’ve got to love rookie contracts. At this price, Rondo is an absolute steal.

He’ll no doubt be appropriately compensated when his contract is up, but until then Rondo is doing alright: he has more than enough gold coins to buy bows, elixirs, and extra mana.

JR Giddens | $957,120 | 2 years

Some things to know about JR Giddens:

• In 2005, he was stabbed in the calf in a bar fight, requiring 30 stitches
• He has his first initial – J – tattooed on his left tricep, and his last initial – G – tattooed on his right tricep.
• He was selected 26 June this year with the 30th overall pick, and just weeks later declined to train with the Celts at their mini-camp because he hadn’t signed a contract.

Stupid tattoos, a violent history and a bad attitude? Those are the makings of an NBA superstar.

Darius Miles | $1,070,118 | 1 years

No one expected to hear these words used to describe a contract signed by Darius Miles: not bad.

Not bad at all. At such a low price, Miles could spend training camp punching cones, playing Madden ‘08, and bathing in cough syrup, and he’d still be reasonable value. Despite the ‘career-ending injury’ which sent Darius packing from Portland, scouts and NBA heads claim Miles still has gas in the tank.

Worst case scenario? He’s a busted embarrassment, too unfit to make it through the ten games necessary to kill Kevin Pritchard’s soul (and the Blazers’ salary cap), and Ainge waives him. Best case? He’s a cheap, easy James Posey replacement, capable of attacking defenses, freeing up the wings, and inspiring the team with his relentless hustle. The reality is likely to be somewhere in the middle.

Patrick O’Bryant | $1,500,000 | 2 years

The Celtics would have signed Patrick Fitzgerald O’Bryant on his name alone. The actual figure he receives is completely arbitrary — if it took a max contract to get him, that’s what they would have paid. This was their opportunity to buy a mascot, to buy the essence of the what the Celtics are. In fact, they almost launched legal proceedings against Golden State for ‘drafting players whose parents named them for the sole purpose of playing for the Celtics.‘

When Patrick turned up in Beantown and his African-American heritage became evident, David Angell immediately flew in to develop a hit sitcom about it.

Tony Allen | $2,500,000 | 2 years

The good thing about Tony Allen is that he has the most Irish sounding name of all time, so having him on the Celtics just makes sense. I’d question whether that’s worth $2.5M, but if he gets injured he’ll be the perfect person to step into the mascot suit when Patrick O’Bryant’s actually getting some court time.

Leon Powe | $797, 581 | 1 year

Leon Powe’s personal story is actually worth $800k a year — if I had the money, I’d pay him that each year just so he could tell it to me each night on the team bus.

Gabe Pruitt | $711,517 | 1 year

Poor Gabe. After a pretty reasonable college career with the Trojans, you get drafted 32nd overall and are forced to play 4th-string point guard behind Rajon Rondo, Sam Cassell and Tony Allen. While you fight for minutes, Boston drops you to their D-League team, meaning you spend most of the season in Utah. Meanwhile, your college teammate Nick Young goes to Washington, where’s he’s given free reign to take atrocious triple attempts and to drive to the hoop in clutch-time to jack up worse lay-ups than DeShawn Stevenson.

If Gabe’s given more than 6 minutes a game, and is allowed to play more than 15 games, we’ll see what that $700k is really worth. With Sam Cassell gone and less competition for minutes at the point, I suspect it might be a bargain.

Glen Davis | $711,517 | 1 year

We like ‘Big Baby’. If you’re going to have a guy play less than two minutes a game, you want him to be on the minimum, and you want him to be able to step in when called upon. And you like the possibility he’ll one day develop into a starter. I think ‘Big Baby’ covers all of those bases with his gigantic bulbous ass.

One other thing that can be said about Big Baby’s contract: he’s better value than former LSU teammate Tyrus Thomas.

Posted by: Alex, Anton & James

Note: when expressing the years remaining on a contract, we’ve taken the team’s potential liability into account, meaning we assume a player will accept their player option. A team option is not considered a liability.