THE SPORT COUNT

If you’ve got a bank account full of cash just begging to be spent on top-notch NBA gear, you could order from the NBA store, or Mitchell & Ness. Or, like most ball freaks, you could take a visit to the Bay.

Last time The Sport Count visited our favourite auction site, we found a bargain-priced Steve Blake bobblehead, a Ron Artest jersey for your kids, and a Wilt Chamberlain autographed shoe. Let’s see what September has in store:

Michael Jordan: nom nom nom.

Edible Michael Jordan Chocolate Heads | No Bids: $20.00

As if you need any, here are some reasons to make a bid: a) You’re a real Space Jam fan b) You’re one of the many fanatical Jordan memorabilia collectors c) You’re hungry. Nom nom nom.

Ray Allen Supersonics Jersey… For The Ladies | Buy It Now: $19.99

She’ll love the pink. The diamante-studded jersey number will delight. And the stretch fabric means it’ll hug her curves like Josh Howard racing his Ferrari through the streets of suburban Dallas.

Unfortunately, she might resent you when she discovers a) the Supersonics don’t exist any more b) Ray Allen was traded long ago and c) you bought the jersey for less than twenty bucks from ‘some dude in Chicago.’

Samaki had one. Now you can too, Barkley.

Samaki Walker’s 2002 NBA Championship Ring | Buy It Now: $10,000

Well, this is depressing.

Samaki Walker had an unimpressive league career, playing for six teams in ten years, rarely contributing anything but an arse to warm the bench.

Considering his rough trot through the NBA, the championship ring he was gifted as a member of the 2002 Lakers squad must have represented a high water mark in his basketball career, if not his life. Sweetly, he passed that ring on to his father.

And now, less sweetly, his dad is offering you the chance to have it. You hope there’s a reasonable justification for the sale; vital medical treatment, helping to pay off a house or, at the very least, a great night out involving fourteen prostitutes and a baggie full of speed.

The bad news for those ready to bid? Once Charles Barkley hears about the low price, there’s no way the round and ringless mound of rebound isn’t winning this auction. It won’t cost that much to get ‘Walker’ changed to ‘Barkley,’ right?

George Karl Autographed 8×10 Photo | No Bids: $9.99

Hmmm.

If you’re going to sell fake autographs–and c’mon, do you think players and coaches spend that much time signing glossies for the power sellers of the world?–George Karl seems like an odd choice.

He’s a successful coach, sure. But is there really a market for budget George Karl memorabilia? Unless you can convince him to sign ‘JR Smith ain’t shit to me, George Karl’, a lack of bids seems a certainty.

Brand New Wilt Chamberlain Figurine | No Bids: $20.00 Canadian

When the Stilt sadly passed in 1999, so too did any chance of him marking any more notches on his already-very-notched bed. But now, with this little plasticine love maker, that can change.

If she’s the kind of woman who’ll forgive you gifting her an outdated and cheap Sonics jersey, it’s possible she’ll also ‘make love’ to Little Wilt while you film*. Best to ask on your birthday.

Posted By: Anton

*I know, gross. Soz.