THE SPORT COUNT

Since this week’s release of the 2008-2009 NBA Schedule, the internet has been awash with guides on top games, key match ups and the contests you just can’t miss. With all of this positive swill, you’d be forgiven for thinking the entire schedule was completely unmissable.

Knicks Vs Bucks: I don't want to watch this.

Delving into the schedule like excited kids unwrapping a Christmas stocking, The Sport Count were saddened to see that beneath the Tonka Trucks (Cavs vs. Boston), GI Joes (Phoenix vs. New Orleans) and PSPs (LA vs. Utah) were several large and sooty lumps of coal.

Lucky for you that when The Count finds coal, we make fire, so sit back for a quick snapshot of the NBA’s Most Missable games of 2008-2009:

Wednesday, 29 October 2008: Indiana @ Detroit

The Pistons will suit up with the same unlikeable and charmless roster as last year — yes, Kwame, we’re trying to forget about you — and will offer little more than cruel efficiency and the occasional Rodney Stuckey highlight.

Rip Hamilton’s constant cutting and Phantom Of The Opera aesthetic will dominate lottery-bound Indiana. You could try cheering for the Pacers, but it might be difficult to get past the fact that Mike Dunleavy is possibly their best player.

A highlight for the neutral will be the hotly contested point guard slot for the Pacers: TJ Ford will justifiably start, and Jamaal Tinsley –- if he’s still around –- will spend his bench time working on a plan to shoot Ford right in the neck, ‘to explode the spine’.

Wednesday, 5 November 2008: Boston @ Oklahoma

If you’re keen on watching a championship team packed with superstar veterans beat the absolute christ out of a young team dealing with life in a new city, you’re in luck.

You’re also a bit of a bastard, because –- barring Kevin Garnett’s tendons snapping, Ray Allen freaking out and refusing to play because ‘there’s too much dirt in the arena’, and Paul Pierce sitting out because ‘the best player in the world can do what he wants’ — this will be an absolute bloodbath.

One positive for the Thunder? It’ll be a thorough, comprehensive introduction to total failure and substantial loss for the people of Oklahoma. And that’s a feeling they’ll have to get used to.

Monday, 23 February 2009: Indiana @ New York

Knicks and Pacer fans who remember those classic Madison Square Garden duels are in for a treat: think of Reggie Miller sparring against Spike Lee and nailing clutch 3s; think of a proud Patrick Ewing clogging the paint and giving Rik Smits nightmares.

Now, think of TJ Ford facing off against Danilo Gallinari. Think of the ball bouncing off Chris Duhon’s knee as he crosses half-court. Think of Eddy Curry and Zack Randolph sprinting the floor and establishing position on the low block, just as the shot clock ticks over to ‘8.’ That’s what the 2008-2009 rendition of this great rivalry promises the Pacer and Knick faithful.

Tuesday, 10 March 2009: New York @ Milkwaukee

Scintillating matchups. Where Amazing Happens! The most exciting league in the world!

Bobby Simmons dumps the ball into Andrew Bogut, who attempts five shots from within two feet (NBA loses eight fans), before Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry eventually grab a team rebound (NBA loses 12 fans), and Duhon throws an outlet pass to Nate Robinson which goes over his head and hits Danilo Gallinari in the face (NBA loses 15 fans, gains five clips on YouTube).

The highlight of this game will be seeing the exact moment when Richard Jefferson thinks ‘if this is the NBA, I’m going to Europe next year’.

Friday, 3 April 2009: Rockets @ LA Lakers

While this looks like a good game, you need to look at the date. By this point in the season, both Yao and Tracy McGrady will be riding the bench with elephantitis and chronic fatigue syndrome, respectively. Pau Gasol will have been released from the Lakers due to his incessant racism toward newly signed point guard, Sun Yue (evidenced here).

Kobe Bryant will be in hospital for attempting to jump over a helicopter in his annual marketing stunt, and Andrew Bynum will taking a sabbatical to go back to his roots as the star of Nickelodeon’s Kenan And Kel.

So this is your question: would you watch Lamar Odom play one-on-one against Ron Artest?

Posted by: James & Anton