He has a championship ring. Now he needs a wedding ring.
Considering the ridiculous reality themes Bravo laps up — a hairdressing competition? A show about the day-to-day running of a hotel? C’mon! — it’s a travesty that we don’t have a ball-related show. (The And 1 Mix Tape Tour comes close, but a guy screaming ‘baby! baby!’ in between footage of young men practicing Tim Hardaway-esque ankle breakers does not a reality smash make).
To save the executive producers of the world a bit of thinking time, here are some surefire ratings winners:
A Jump Shot At Love | VH1: He’s tall. He’s rich. He’s a world champion. And this fall, Brian Scalabrine will be looking for love.
The lanky redhead will meet fifteen lucky girls, eliminating them one by one in a series of exciting challenges set to test their affections… and their jumpshots. In this Adults Only series, you’ll see all the hot, steamy action; if you’re wondering, yes, Brian’s carpet matches his drapes.
At the end of each show, one girl will hear ‘Veal’ utter those terrible words: ‘you’ve missed your open fifteen-foot jump shot… of love.’
Life Isn’t Telfair | E!: Follow volatile point guard Sebastian Telfair as he deals with the ups and downs of life in Minnesota. In the first episode, Sebastian skips practice to fire his guns wildly into a nearby forest; will Kevin McHale sweep the incident under the rug, or risk the wrath of the national media by disclosing it? Later, Sebastian’s agent needs to deal with the fallout after Telfair takes a handgun into the T.G.I. Friday’s on White Bear Avenue.
Dennis The Menace | HDNet: Following the success of Geek To Freak With Dennis Rodman, we follow ‘The Worm’ as he wreaks havoc on his Hollywood friends. Test audiences called it ‘Punk’d, except a lot creepier.’
Delight at Carmen Electra’s tears when Dennis turns up at her door feigning suicidal thoughts. Laugh as Dennis calls Joe Dumars at five minute intervals in the dead of night, whispering crude obscenities and horrific threats — including the call the censors wanted banned! Giggle as Dennis ‘helicopters’ his penis at an Ivy lunch with Tara Reid.
Reign In Europe | Discovery Travel & Living: Join Shawn Kemp as he travels the Italian countryside in the most controversial series Discovery has run since Andrew Zimmern Tastes A Human. Kemp juggles three girlfriends, and the temptations of liquor, in the show critics are calling ‘Big Love meets The Thirsty Traveler.’
Gilbert & Friends | Bravo: In the pilot, Gilbert builds a $500k swimming pool… and hires Ron Artest’s personal assistant to find out ‘how many dolphins you can legally put in a pool.’
Posted By: Anton
6 responses so far ↓
James Wright // August 4, 2008 at 5:50 pm
What about Portrait of the Artest As A Young Man - a making the band style feature behind the some of the masterworks coming out of Tru Warrior Records.
I’m laying claim right there to the world’s first Ron Artest / James Joyce joke.
Anton Trees // August 4, 2008 at 7:48 pm
I’d love it. Every week we follow Ron on different projects. We see Ron rap. We see Ron set up businesses. We see Ron confronted by mushrooms.
James Wright // August 5, 2008 at 2:09 pm
I’d like to hear Ron Artest read from Ulysses. I’d pay a lot of money to hear him do it.
Alexander Vitlin // August 5, 2008 at 5:46 pm
I’d like to see a Rocky Balboa-esque simulated rendering of Ron Artest playing one-on-one with James Joyce. Because the rumour is, Joyce was a stone balla.
James // August 5, 2008 at 6:39 pm
He is the only ever Nobel Prize to drain a 23footer (although Obama’s working on it, and I hear that the Grameen Bank guy has got a mean post up game).
James // August 5, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Kerouac could flat out break ankles.
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