The Sport Count

How Are The Clippers So Terrible?

November 20, 2008 · 1 Comment

Clippers coach Mike Dunleavy in a relatively relaxed moment.

Clippers coach Mike Dunleavy in a relatively relaxed moment.

The Los Angeles Clippers are absolutely wretched, useless, worse than even the most cynical of commentators could have predicted. They’ve lost nine of their ten games, and only two of those matches have been away from the safety of the Staples Center.

Their sole victory was hardly inspiring, coming at home over an imploding Mavericks team caught between a desire to blood their young, and a need to win before their ageing veterans are shipped off to local nursing homes. After that lacklustre victory, Baron Davis tried to reassure the punters, and his teammates, and himself: ‘We let a couple of games get away that we had control of,’ he said. ‘But once you get that first one, it just takes the monkey of your back and you realize that you know how to win.’

Sorry Baron, but the monkey still rides. After that brief moment of Cuban-beating glory, the Clippers were wrecked by a shocking Kings squad, demolished by a Warriors team bound for the lottery, then narrowly beaten by an injury-riddled Spurs squad.

These are not good times for Los Angeles’ other team. Billy Crystal hasn’t slept in two weeks. He wanders the empty halls at the Clippers’ training centre in the dead of night, quietly weeping into a game-used Elton Brand jersey.

What’s going wrong with this team? Apart from, like, everything?

The problem lies exactly where most observers expected it would: chemistry, camraderie, the team dynamic. You wonder if this Clippers squad, so enthusiastically and haphazardly cobbled together in the off-season, can make it work, but it doesn’t look good.

Not with Marcus Camby phoning it in, as if actual games are just an unfortunate distraction, an irritating roadblock until he ends up on a team that isn’t cursed. He doesn’t look especially healthy, or motivated, and he’s clearly still disgusted at the crude manner in which the Nuggets dumped him –like a defensively-minded kidnap victim who woke up in East LA with a fat wallet and instructions to get to the arena.

Baron Davis looks like you don’t want Baron Davis to look; far too confident in his shot, too lazy to drive, bored, distracted. There’s no fire in him. He’s shooting 36.4% from the field, and going to the line just 3.4 times a game. His steals are down, and his three-point shot is wretched (23.3%). Diddy is living up to every critics’ nastiest claims: that his health last year was a contract year effort, that he isn’t a leader, that he inked a deal with the Clippers because he loves Los Angeles, not the team that goes with it.

The fact that Mike Dunleavy – a coach that, uh, seems to rub some players the wrong way (how’s the bay, Corey?) – is already butting heads with Baron doesn’t bode well. (Stephen Jackson diagnosed the problem after his Warriors beat Baron and his new team: ‘It’s kind of difficult for [Baron]. He likes playing fast and he likes having the ball a lot. They run a lot of isolation plays with the two and three guards and he doesn’t really get a chance to do his thing.’

Ugh! My team bad!

Ugh! My team bad!

Ricky Davis? His career looks all but over, jacking up ugly shots at a 32.3% clip, bludging on defense, adding nothing. Chris Kaman looks confused – more so than usual — whenever he looks around and sees Camby clogging up his paint. Al Thornton looks promising, just like he did last year. He isn’t yet the long-limbed offensive juggernaut many expected might emerge this season.

None of it is working, and it doesn’t make much sense. On paper, the Clippers should be a tenacious (albeit often ineffective) defensive squad, with Diddy gambling on steals, Camby swatting from the weakside, Kaman taking up room in the lane, and Thornton dogging the wings. On paper, the Clippers should be strong offensively, with sweet-shooting threats (Baron, Eric Gordon, Al Thornton, Ricky Davis every 4th game), a monster with surprising finesse in Chris Kaman, and a passing big man in Camby. On paper, the Clippers shouldn’t be the second-worst team in the West (only the Faux-Sonics are worse).

But games aren’t played on paper, and in the real world, this Clippers team is horrific.

Should the players go for post-game drinks? Do they need to play poker together? Would a big barbecue in Mike Dunleavy’s backyard help? We don’t know. But if the Clippers want to win, they better start talking to each other. As it is, they look like bewildered strangers bound only by contractual obligation, not a desire to win.

Posted By: Anton

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The Rehab Diaries: Danilo Gallinari

November 19, 2008 · No Comments

It was said –- in fact we said it with one of the loudest voices (here, here, here and here) –- but Mike D’Antoni didn’t listen! When NBA fans and scouts alike feverishly typed Danilo Gallinari into Babelfish this past summer, only to see Fettucine Bustaola come up, the Count could smell a rat. And when recent news informed us that the Big Bustamental was going down for the rest of the season, we were neither surprised, shocked, nor sad.

Que?
Que?

On a recent fact-finding trip to NYC (where the Count saw Danilo’s one and only hit-out in an NBA game; 0/2 from the field and 1 foul in a heady 3 minutes, 32 seconds) we managed to pilfer the Italian Stallion’s iPhone, and came across his rehab schedule for that day.

10:00am – Hit the gym for rehab. D’Antoni has implemented the Italian system, meaning I will jump rope for 20 minutes, and smoke four cigarettes each time my back hurts. Working well, but chest is sore.

11:00am – Place call to Mr. Dolan, try and coordinate upfront payment of months’ salary in cash.

12:00pm – Look into the mirror, burst into tears.

14:00pm – Stephon calls me. I don’t pick up. He wants to go and see Quantum of Solace tonight; I bought it in China Town.

15:00pm – Head into Macy’s, I’m surprised that they don’t have a Street Clothes sections, as many websites say this is what I will wear for one year. Spend $2,000 on ties.

17:00pm – Note to self; Maccaroni in USA = different, but also good.

19:00pm – Watch The Godfather, part three. I can’t believe American’s don’t get the Andy Garcia / Sofia Coppola love story.

23:00pm - Switch to BET. I didn’t know that’s what Wilson meant when he was saying skeet the other day.

23:30pm - TiVO is a handy alternative for the time poor consumer.

24:00pm – Note to self: Hookers in America = different, but also good.

Posted by: James

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Ballers Who Surf: Ron Artest & Tracy McGrady

November 15, 2008 · 4 Comments

Yesterday, we were drinking cappuccinos at Starbucks on Bellaire & Wilcrest with Houston Rockets shooting guard Tracy McGrady and small forward Ron Artest. Just a few coffees between friends.

When Ron The Don and T-Mac wandered off to take a conference call from a tired Yao Ming — still a little drunk from the previous night’s ‘veteran’s meeting’ at The Yao Restaurant And Bar — we snuck a peak at the laptop they share, and screencapped their respective Safari histories.

First, it’s Tracy:

And Ron:

Ron Artest Internet History

Posted By: Anton & Alex

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The One Millionth Reason To Like Steve Nash

November 14, 2008 · No Comments

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen. The one millionth reason to like Steve Nash:

And just in case you missed the 932738th:

Posted By: Anton

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Things That Won’t Happen: Marbury To The Spurs

November 11, 2008 · 2 Comments

Ladies and gentlemen of San Antonio, meet your new championship point guard.

Ladies and gentlemen of San Antonio, meet your new championship point guard. Should work out well.

In case you haven’t noticed, the NBA press kind of likes rumours. Sometimes they come up with ones that won’t ever happen. Like, ever:

Several GMs doubt that Stephon Marbury will eventually make his way to Boston because he could mess with the chemistry. “They’d be risking too much,” said one executive. But the Spurs, struggling to score without Manu Ginobili, could use Marbury and might have strong enough leadership to take a flier. “Remember, they once brought in Vernon Maxwell,” said an Eastern Conference GM. “Marbury isn’t that bad.”

Arguably the best-operated franchise in the NBA going for a hail mary move like signing a busted, cancerous idiot who appears to be either a) genuinely mentally ill b) disconcertingly religious c) high as a motherfucker d) a combination of the above. Yeah, that sounds likely.

You can only assume a defensively-minded lover of fundamentals like Big Poppa will absolutely adore Starbury. The Damon Stoudamire experiment last year would have gotten him all giddy about the prospect of having yet another undersized shoot-first defensive liability on the roster.

Posted By: Anton

→ 2 CommentsCategories: Signings & Firings
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